do you feel sad for your partner?

mistywillow

trustymick wrote:

mistywillow wrote:

Hi all
Iam very lucky i have a very supportive and loving hubby. we met when we were 16. We travelled and did lots together before arthur but now we have such a restricted lifestyle. Even going out with friends can be too difficult sometimes and we don't really do holidays anymore either as sleeping in a different bed without all my bits etc and all the extra activity causes me to be too flared up to enjoy it.( He knows me too well if i pretend i'm having a great time.) I really feel for him though. I might be the one in pain but his life has been so changed as well and i feel really guilty for this. We do discuss it and he is cool with it all and says he has just made the psychological adjustments necessary!
Of course he can and does sometimes do his own thing but I am so sorry he has the side effects of arthur. (don't think arthur deserves a capital letter ) Does any one else feel like this :?:
Hi
Me and my wife have been together for 30years
3years ago she ( I dont like calling he she but thats the way it has to be) started with r/a and what you are going through sound the same as us,
I have a lot more to do now in the house but who cares as long as we are together and love each other
belive me dont feel sorry for me, I can get out and about,
But it has taken me some time to adjust psycholoicaly to she my wife being so fit then r/a to take over has been very hard
When my wife was was at her lowest and want to die (as she thought it would be easer for me, and how porly she was) I said what about me you cannot leave me alone, and when I went into this marrage, my vows were in sickness and in health
so dont be so hard on yourself
hope you have a good day

Hi Trustymick
its good to hear from the other side too. We are blessed those of us who have loving partners despite our arthritis.

Gill

colinb

as the partner of someone with arthritis, yes of course i have had to make plenty of changes to help my wife cope, even recently cut my work hours so i could be at home more- but like others have said...what else could i do? we are partners, both in sickness and health. thats it..simple as that
perhaps more fortunate than some other husbands, i had been well used to being chief cook and bottlewasher to fit around our work commitments etc, so not so much adjustment there for me.
other than that, what have done to "fill in " all the extra time i spend at home was to learn as much as i could about old arthur, so i could understand better what my wife goes through, and if lucky, be better positioned to help her. I found this place while searching around the net looking for info..and what a godsend it has been to both of us for support, help and ideas. we have met some fantastic people through AC, and i now even find myself working as a volunteer for AC...lol

Yes there are things i miss about life pre-arthur, like travel, socialising,..lol...money, etc etc...but that cant be helped..so just no point dwelling on it i feel. we still have each other and thats what counts.
don't feel sad for your partner....like me, they still have the single most inportant thing...you!!
Colin

mistywillow

colinb wrote:

as the partner of someone with arthritis, yes of course i have had to make plenty of changes to help my wife cope, even recently cut my work hours so i could be at home more- but like others have said...what else could i do? we are partners, both in sickness and health. thats it..simple as that
perhaps more fortunate than some other husbands, i had been well used to being chief cook and bottlewasher to fit around our work commitments etc, so not so much adjustment there for me.
other than that, what have done to "fill in " all the extra time i spend at home was to learn as much as i could about old arthur, so i could understand better what my wife goes through, and if lucky, be better positioned to help her. I found this place while searching around the net looking for info..and what a godsend it has been to both of us for support, help and ideas. we have met some fantastic people through AC, and i now even find myself working as a volunteer for AC...lol

Yes there are things i miss about life pre-arthur, like travel, socialising,..lol...money, etc etc...but that cant be helped..so just no point dwelling on it i feel. we still have each other and thats what counts.
don't feel sad for your partner....like me, they still have the single most inportant thing...you!!
Colin

Hi Colinb
What a lovely post. As I said above we may have arthur but we are blessed in other ways. 8)

Gill

jaspercat

Hi Everyone, I do feel sorry for Malcolm, my hubby, he has put up with alot with my RA and other problems, but he is fantastic and will help in every way he can, he also stands my corner and helps me handle my Rheumy better. When we took our vows in 1993 we took them very seriously and still do, Malcolm is ill himself and has epilepsy, so we have both learned to deal with everything that comes along love Jaspercatxx

debatat

Hi all

I have followed this post with interest. My hubby and I were only discussin this the other day. I feel guilty as he has to help me up stairs, do the shopping, do dinner, help me out of chair etc etc. He said that none of this bothers him, its my emotional rollercoaster that he finds the hardest :oops:

I found it interesting others had mentioned the 'in sickness and in health' bit. I had never considered that before. He has arthur as well and his is becoming more troublesome now, I think we are going to make a right pair

I have often wondered how I would have managed on my own, so do have great empathy for those on their own. I consider myself fortunate to have children, as hard as it is to care for them at least I have a motivation to keep going amd something to aim for. Even if I didn't manage to make it camping last year, that's what hotels are for!!!!

Interesting thread.

Deb

hezmarie25

mistywillow wrote:

Hi all
Iam very lucky i have a very supportive and loving hubby. we met when we were 16. We travelled and did lots together before arthur but now we have such a restricted lifestyle. Even going out with friends can be too difficult sometimes and we don't really do holidays anymore either as sleeping in a different bed without all my bits etc and all the extra activity causes me to be too flared up to enjoy it.( He knows me too well if i pretend i'm having a great time.) I really feel for him though. I might be the one in pain but his life has been so changed as well and i feel really guilty for this. We do discuss it and he is cool with it all and says he has just made the psychological adjustments necessary!
Of course he can and does sometimes do his own thing but I am so sorry he has the side effects of arthur. (don't think arthur deserves a capital letter ) Does any one else feel like this :?:
Hope you have all had a pain free day (well i can hope can't i)
Gill

Hi all
I only found this site yesterday but I am already addicted and have found some helpful stuff on here. After reading this post I felt like I wanted to share my experiences and feelings with you all and I hope yo dont mind. I am 40 years old and have oa in my kness, hips and back. At 31 I was diagnosed with angina and then had a heart attack 6 month later. The angina has led to chronic kidney disease but thats managed with the same pills that I take for the angina. Now I have butran patches for my oa. I have two kids, both girls aged nearly 18 and 15 and they have had to put up with a mum that couldn't even get to the park when they were younger because of the angina. Now the angina is under control but the oa has over taken my life to a certain degree. My husband is a saint and so are my kids. I always feel as if I am spoiling things for them. When we go on holiday it takes me ages to get from a to b. We used to all be avid walkers, walking for miles and miles but all that has stopped. At first my husband wouldn't go out because he did not want me to miss out but then I told him that if I couldn't do it that did not mean that he couldnt. He now walks our dog for miles nearly every day to keep himself fit. At parties, I feel like a party pooper because everyone is up dancing and I really want to but the oa in my knees and hips is so painful and I get out of breath due to the angina. Yes, at times I feel very low but then I kick myself up the bum and tell myself that there is always someone out there who is in worse shape than me or has a worse life than me. I have the love of my family, my girls and husband are my strength. Yes, at times I feel resentful because they can do stuff that I cant and I am only 40 and at times I feel guilty because I feel I am spoiling their fun! It so difficult. My husband would take the girls mountain climbing up Mount Snowdon a few years back and he would say he felt "tight" leaving me, I would encourage them to go and then be miserable until they got back. I never showed it to them, never told them because then they would not have gone anymore and that would be totally unfair.
I make myself do things every day, I spurn myself on and want to stay strong but I am glad that I have read this post and that others feel the same. One thing I can still do is smile and laugh. Yes, the pain is awful and I think that people who dont suffer with oa just dont understand how painful it is.
Sorry for going on and on
Keep smiling and laughing only if you can only manage it once a day. Its good for you and makes you feel "normal".
Love Heather

jemima

mistywillow wrote:

Hi Jemima
somehow i didn't see your post before adding mine last night and so my response seemed so out of place. I am so sorry that you are having to go it alone, it just must be so very difficult for you having to cope with all the things arthur throws at you without the support of a partner. I do apologise if my last post seemed insensitive and did not take into account your very moving post :oops:

Gillx

Hi Gillx

Please, it's no problem, life's too short!

Everyone has their own life problems and somehow or another we all get over, under or around problems. Sometimes it just helps to talk about problems, then put them into perspective against others who are far worse off than Mum and myself...

We may not be ecstatic with the situation (who with arthritis is?) but we manage in our own, sometimes amusing, way. Mum and I think that it's just as well sometimes that we're not being filmed or we'd end up on the World's Funniest Movies for sure!

mistywillow

hezmarie25 wrote:

mistywillow wrote:

Hi all
Iam very lucky i have a very supportive and loving hubby. we met when we were 16. We travelled and did lots together before arthur but now we have such a restricted lifestyle. Even going out with friends can be too difficult sometimes and we don't really do holidays anymore either as sleeping in a different bed without all my bits etc and all the extra activity causes me to be too flared up to enjoy it.( He knows me too well if i pretend i'm having a great time.) I really feel for him though. I might be the one in pain but his life has been so changed as well and i feel really guilty for this. We do discuss it and he is cool with it all and says he has just made the psychological adjustments necessary!
Of course he can and does sometimes do his own thing but I am so sorry he has the side effects of arthur. (don't think arthur deserves a capital letter ) Does any one else feel like this :?:
Hope you have all had a pain free day (well i can hope can't i)
Gill

Hi all
I only found this site yesterday but I am already addicted and have found some helpful stuff on here. After reading this post I felt like I wanted to share my experiences and feelings with you all and I hope yo dont mind. I am 40 years old and have oa in my kness, hips and back. At 31 I was diagnosed with angina and then had a heart attack 6 month later. The angina has led to chronic kidney disease but thats managed with the same pills that I take for the angina. Now I have butran patches for my oa. I have two kids, both girls aged nearly 18 and 15 and they have had to put up with a mum that couldn't even get to the park when they were younger because of the angina. Now the angina is under control but the oa has over taken my life to a certain degree. My husband is a saint and so are my kids. I always feel as if I am spoiling things for them. When we go on holiday it takes me ages to get from a to b. We used to all be avid walkers, walking for miles and miles but all that has stopped. At first my husband wouldn't go out because he did not want me to miss out but then I told him that if I couldn't do it that did not mean that he couldnt. He now walks our dog for miles nearly every day to keep himself fit. At parties, I feel like a party pooper because everyone is up dancing and I really want to but the oa in my knees and hips is so painful and I get out of breath due to the angina. Yes, at times I feel very low but then I kick myself up the bum and tell myself that there is always someone out there who is in worse shape than me or has a worse life than me. I have the love of my family, my girls and husband are my strength. Yes, at times I feel resentful because they can do stuff that I cant and I am only 40 and at times I feel guilty because I feel I am spoiling their fun! It so difficult. My husband would take the girls mountain climbing up Mount Snowdon a few years back and he would say he felt "tight" leaving me, I would encourage them to go and then be miserable until they got back. I never showed it to them, never told them because then they would not have gone anymore and that would be totally unfair.
I make myself do things every day, I spurn myself on and want to stay strong but I am glad that I have read this post and that others feel the same. One thing I can still do is smile and laugh. Yes, the pain is awful and I think that people who dont suffer with oa just dont understand how painful it is.
Sorry for going on and on
Keep smiling and laughing only if you can only manage it once a day. Its good for you and makes you feel "normal".
Love Heather

Hi Heather
Welcome to the site, it is so helpful to be able to say things that you feel but can't to your family and friends. It has been interesting and heartwarming to hear from partners too in that they would rather have us in our cranky old bodies than not at all!
My children were a similar age to yours when i was diagnosed with RA but i've had severe spinal arthritis from a child so my 2 girls have always had to help out etc. They are now 22 and 24 and both are very caring towards other people as well as myself and interestingly both studied psychology at university. I think communication between loved ones is important and the acknowledgment that the illness and not the person is the common enemy which has to be dealt with. Whether it is due to illness or other things, well made plans frequently go awry and adaptability and a good sense of humour go a long way :P

Take care of yourself
Gillx

elnafinn

"Please, it's no problem, life's too short!

Everyone has their own life problems and somehow or another we all get over, under or around problems. Sometimes it just helps to talk about problems, then put them into perspective against others who are far worse off than Mum and myself...

We may not be ecstatic with the situation (who with arthritis is?) but we manage in our own, sometimes amusing, way. Mum and I think that it's just as well sometimes that we're not being filmed or we'd end up on the World's Funniest Movies for sure! "

Hi Jemima

It is good to hear from you again. Yep, it is good to talk about one's problems. No use bottling it all up - well that has never worked for me. Just talking, even if there is no magic answer, is of great help.

I hope the weekend goes well for you and your mum,

Luv
Elna

hezmarie25

Hi Gill
Thank you xxx
Think it did me good writing down my feelings because I woke up this morning feeling lighter!
It is important to keep positive and keep smiling.
Take care and good health to you
xxx

livinglegend

Men are simple creatures, all they ask is a to crawl under and football on the in any order.

And the odd

Joseph 8)