Time I wasn't here

vonski

Hi

I've been fighting posting this for ages but thought I'd give it a try and hopefully get rid of these demons.

For years I've had to manage without meds, Drs. don't want to prescribe because the don't know exactly what's going on. I did have injections but then the same thing happened. I have lived with excrutiating pain for over 18 mnths. Seen various Consultants and non of them can agree on on thing. Now waiting to see a Rheumy for the first time.

On top of this I was diagnosed with cancer last year, op went wrong and had to be done again. I ended up in ICU, my parents and brother wouldn't visit, we'd fallen out over my gran's will so said they didn't care. I have now recently found out just how close I was to dead, and it was very. I feel now like it would have been better if they had just left me too it. Like my brother said he wishes I'd just get on with it, well so do I.

vonski x

nick55

very sorry to hear all this. this forum should be a place of good cheer, well, a few moans and groans. first let me say to you, no one dies or has ever died in the history of the planet. that is one reason to be cheerful. second death is simply letting go of the overcoat we call a physical body. and third, best if all once we are out of our body then the really exciting part begins. for most it is a very joyous experience. but, whilst we are still on this earth, we simply have to get on with it.
I am not in any way religous, by the way.
when I feel down and miserable I go out and the first person I see I smile at. say something pleasant. invariably they smile back, or I simply stare out of the window at the sun or the rain. I think we should count our blessings and not count our curses, don't you?

i do hope and pray all is well with you,

best wishes,

nick

vonski wrote:

Hi

I've been fighting posting this for ages but thought I'd give it a try and hopefully get rid of these demons.

For years I've had to manage without meds, Drs. don't want to prescribe because the don't know exactly what's going on. I did have injections but then the same thing happened. I have lived with excrutiating pain for over 18 mnths. Seen various Consultants and non of them can agree on on thing. Now waiting to see a Rheumy for the first time.

On top of this I was diagnosed with cancer last year, op went wrong and had to be done again. I ended up in ICU, my parents and brother wouldn't visit, we'd fallen out over my gran's will so said they didn't care. I have now recently found out just how close I was to dead, and it was very. I feel now like it would have been better if they had just left me too it. Like my brother said he wishes I'd just get on with it, well so do I.

vonski x

kathbee

Vonski
dont you dare think about the D word, ok.

So sorry to read about your family, you are so strong
and you can and have risen above them. They are the
ones with the problems.

Yes, you are the one with the illnesses, and bad illnesses
at that and its just awful
what you have had to put up with and the pain you
have had and are still dealing with.

But thank you for confiding in your friends on here and remember
that we are here for you, always.

Sending you lots of love and wish so much that you
can feel well, you are so worth it.

Hugs and xxxxxx Kath

queenfan

Hi Vonski sorry to hear how down you are you have been through such a lot, You have been there for a lot of people on this site myself included, It is now our turn to support you
I cant imagine the pain you must be in without medication,
I hope we can lift your spirits a little & just remember this there is only one Vonski who is kind thoughtful so keep that chin up
sending you hugs Sue xx

bailey27

I can dito the above post. You are a fantastic asset to this forum.
you can choose your friends but unfortunately can't choose your family!!!
Often the people that will give you the most support are your friends so surround yourself with people who care about you which includes coming on here and expressing your concerns like this.
I find this forum a fantastic venting tool, whenever I have a problem I come straight on here and find that I get more support and advice on here than I do my rheumy and family sometimes. I'd like to be able to offer more advice to people but I am new to all this so don't know ebough to advise just yet.
I can give encouragement though!
Keep your chin up and don't let people get you down 'arthur' does enough of it you don't need anymore! xxx

angel1

Vonski,

You are so very brave to have put your deepest feelings into words. You will be rewarded with all the love and support that you need - and deserve - from everyone on this forum. All the people that YOU have offered love and support to in the past.

I wonder would it benefit you to have some personal counselling, or you could speak to the Samaritans. Only you know though if you would find that helpful. I wish you peace of mind.........Ange.

valval

sorry u r so down family should support each other it must be very hard 4 u i hope u have good friends u can count on. sometimes things said in anger get all out of proportion try not to let things stay so bad the stress wont help if things so bad they cant be fixed then u have to get help with the depression and start to look 4 the good in your life it some times hides but is there to find hope they get u sorted lots of people dont get sorted straight away as lotts of illnesses r the same good luck let us know how u doing

woodbon

Hello, I wish I could do more for you than just to say how brave you are. Brave to write this post, and let others know your private pain and struggle. It must be hard carrying such a burden with you, I hope that by sharing it, it'll help you. I am sort of religious in my own way, which is not conventional and very libraral, so I don't say I'll pray for people, because I can't understand that, but I'll think of you, in the hope that the power of thought will help keep you safe and comfort you. I also send you my love, remember you're not alone. Love Suexxx

frogmorton

Vonski
No no no!
It wouldn't be better for me
or any of us
Someone will have to help you with your pain I promise you do NOT deserve it. You have done so very well and fought so hard - please try to keep doing it
Love
Toni xx

mash65

hi vonski,you'll have us all worying about you now.i am.
sorry you feel like this,you are an important person,you know that.
family i know all to well the hurt they can cause,so conterntrate on you,the important person..come talk to us on here & we'll give you as much help & support as you need to get you through this.
dont just disappear ok.
you've been through a lot & its easy to get down,even harder to get back up.
take care,chin up & keep in touch.sending you hugs((((())))) as you need them.luv debsx

suncatcher

sorry to read this. familys say and do things they do not mean deep down and its pride which stops the first move. you are a special person and you must keep going. You have had it tuff but you can get through this you have a lot of support on here. please sesk some help for this. you have given us all lots of help and encouragement in the past we are there for you now please hang on in there. joanne

skezier

Hi Vonski,

Just pops the pc down to a mates and this works here! I will send you a pm, I have an hour and then have to get back where it may or may not work.......

You know I understand completely about families, parent and siblings and they can be nasty, evil and dam right unpleasant they can be. They can trash your life from birth till their demise, in my mothers case long beyond that the damage is so great, BUT only if you let them......

Your worth 50 of each of them, your Rumo may come up with something and in the mean time just hang in there and I will pm you and hope the reception will be better tonight when I get home. Hell Vonski you worth so much more than you think! You take care and remember we are hear to listen and support you no matter what your going through and no matter what your family say the world is a better place with you in it! I really am thankful I bumped into you, you have helped me so much and well (((((((((((( ))))))))))

Love

Cris x

lindalegs

Dear, dear Vonski,

When I read the title of your posting I thought you meant you were leaving the Forum and I was going to come on and give you a right telling off .................... but as I read I was horrified that you were talking about not being in this world. :shock:

Behave. Don't you dare leave us. You're stressing me so much I can almost feel a flare coming on :shock:

Ignore your brother's cruel words - whether he meant them or not is beside the point - they should never have been said - maybe it says something about your brother and also your parents for not supporting you in your time of need.

You've done so well fighting your cancer and your pain, please don't give in to it.

Do you think your doc could give you something to help lift your spirits?

You do realise I'm going to have to have a stiff one now to calm my nerves.

Please post soon so we know you're alright.

Sending you a cyber flower to help to cheer you.



Love Legs XX (())

jeannie2

Hello Vonski,
I don't really know you all that much either, but your posts are filled with so much common sense and support, it's never been apparent that you, too, have these 'demons'. I hate to know you feel like this - I wish I could make it ALL right for you.

Families are such 'pests' sometimes and build up such resentments, it's difficult to get things back on track. I went through years of it until I apologised for something which wasn't my fault at all!!! Fact I've just run into it today with my brother at a family gathering. Unfortunately my OH made some scathing remarks (out of my earshot) which has just poured fat on the fire.

I'm amazed to hear that you haven't seen a rheumy before. Make sure YOU control the consultation - make a list of what you want to know. I saw a new one not many months ago - I typed a precis from beginning of 'affliction' until recent date. The rheumy was over the moon and said it would save her going through the file. I also told her about my fears, frustrations and the lack of support I felt I'd had in the past. She said she found it very helpful. I do hope that you get some positive help.

So far as your other illness goes ..... you DIDN'T leave us - thank goodness - probably because at that time your number was 6 but them 'up there' pulled out number 9 and had it upside down!!!!! Seriously, keep your chin up, luv. As a relatively new 'addition' to the site, it makes me feel a little useful when you feel you can come to us on the site and share your inner-most self...... it's not an easy thing to do - some days I've wanted to do it and I just can't, so I go in a corner and cry.

Sending you all the best wishes I can think of - stay with us, kid ......... this 'ere lot knock spots off my family when I need a hug. If there's any more 'black thoughts' in there - get 'em out and I look forward to your next post saying you're feeling better. xxxxxxxx
Jeannie S

elnafinn

Dear, dear Vonski

You have done something incredibly courageous today and posted how you are really feeling. You and I have been corresponding for quite a time, even before you were in hospital, both on the forum, private messaging, email and via snail mail but I felt you didn’t really open up. Today you have told us all here and I feel this is a very important day for you and us. You are a person of few words, unlike me, who tends to ramble at times and not make much sense, but in your posting today you made it perfectly clear how desperate life appears to you. You have always been here for everyone and given sound advice and sympathy. We, who have got to know you, think very highly of you and what you say. It is much easier to give advice, help and sympathy than it is to accept it. Now it is our turn to give you advice, help and sympathy. As you can see by all the replies, you are a popular, highly regarded person.

You have a lovely, considerate, patient, caring husband and a great son. You are loved and cherished by them and they have never let you down, have they? You and your Gran loved each other. You owe it to yourself to seek help now.

We do not choose our family, events arise and unimagineable jealousy, bitterness, anger and pain may occur as and when circumstances change. Life is a learning curve. My dear Vonski, you are a very brave soul and your time is not up yet as has been proved. You are here. Your work is not yet finished.

I am sorry that I have not been in touch the last few weeks, I had no idea you were feeling so awful, but you know you always have a place in my heart and if you feel like getting in touch I am here for you and want to help if you allow me to do so.

As always, you are in my thoughts but even more at this time,

Lots of love
Elna xx (())

joyful164

Hi Vonski

I have only just manage to get back this evening to be greated with your message of despair.

I do hope your appointment with the Rheumy will be soon. If possible get your GP to bring it forward if he can.

The first thing that you have done to help yourself is coming on to the forum. I have read all the replies to your cry for help, and think you will find the support you need. You have been through a very difficult time, but you have come through that bit, well done.

Now for the next stage, just take each day at a time, put down notes ready for the Rheumatology Consultant so that you are prepared. Is there anyone else you can take with you if you can't take a family member. Time can heal a lot of things and perhaps they will come round in time.

It would be a good idea if you sent a message through to the helpline. They can always give your good advise so whenever you are feeling your lowest, and you can always be sure you will get a cheery message from the gang.

All the best and I hope you will be feeling a bit better by tomorrow.

joyful

mistywillow

elnafinn wrote:

Dear, dear Vonski

You have done something incredibly courageous today and posted how you are really feeling. You and I have been corresponding for quite a time, even before you were in hospital, both on the forum, private messaging, email and via snail mail but I felt you didn’t really open up. Today you have told us all here and I feel this is a very important day for you and us. You are a person of few words, unlike me, who tends to ramble at times and not make much sense, but in your posting today you made it perfectly clear how desperate life appears to you. You have always been here for everyone and given sound advice and sympathy. We, who have got to know you, think very highly of you and what you say. It is much easier to give advice, help and sympathy than it is to accept it. Now it is our turn to give you advice, help and sympathy. As you can see by all the replies, you are a popular, highly regarded person.

You have a lovely, considerate, patient, caring husband and a great son. You are loved and cherished by them and they have never let you down, have they? You and your Gran loved each other. You owe it to yourself to seek help now.

We do not choose our family, events arise and unimagineable jealousy, bitterness, anger and pain may occur as and when circumstances change. Life is a learning curve. My dear Vonski, you are a very brave soul and your time is not up yet as has been proved. You are here. Your work is not yet finished.

I am sorry that I have not been in touch the last few weeks, I had no idea you were feeling so awful, but you know you always have a place in my heart and if you feel like getting in touch I am here for you and want to help if you allow me to do so.

As always, you are in my thoughts but even more at this time,

Lots of love
Elna xx (())

Dearest Vonski
What a terrible thought!! The world without Vonski would certainly NOT be a better place. I have got to know you through this forum. You were one of the wonderful people who welcomed me to the site. My first and correct impression of you was that you were kind and helpful and offered such sensible advice. As I got to know you better, I realised that you also had a great sense of humour as well. You have been through so much this past few years, no wonder you are feeling so low. Your family should have been there for you. The fact that they put money as a more important issue than supporting their daughter and sister shows that the problem is with them and they have not realised the true purpose and value of life. Thank heavens you have your OH and son to love and value you. I have said it to you before, your brother and parents are the ones who should feel ashamed that they were and are not there when you need them. Be strong Vonski, you have dealt with so much emotional as well as physical pain. You are so brave to have opened up to us. Hopefully the rhemy will help control some of the physical pain. Have you ever considered councelling? I know you have helped others when they have suffered emotional traumas, maybe now is the time for you to accept some support for yourself. Dear Vonski, you are so well regarded by us all. Do not let the greed and terrible words of your brother bring you down. He must have blindfolds over his eyes not to appreciate and realise what a terrific woman his sister is.
You look after yourself. Keep us posted. It does help to get those feelings out rather than bottling them up.
Take care love Gillxx

joanlawson

Hello Vonski

You are having such a tough time, and my heart goes out to you. It doesn't seem possible that you could be left in such pain for 18 months without greater efforts being made to help you. With your other problems too, I am not surprised that you are feeling so down. I wonder whether you have explained to your GP how depressed you are feeling? Maybe you could be referred to counselling which could offer you more support to see your way forward.

I think we are often reluctant to tell doctors about the emotional effects of illness, but it is important that they know how we feel. I hope you will get some answers when you see the rheumy, and that you can be given something for your pain. In the meantime, you can say how you feel any time on here. You have so many friends, and no-one ever minds if you want to say how you are feeling.

By the way, a comment telling you that on this earth we just have to get on with it was not very helpful, in my opinion.

Joan

yesmeducky

Dear Vonski,
I can appreciate and relate to a lot of what you've said and i'm disburbed that you are at such a low ebb. Your life is precious and i can only urge you to seek help to talk through these emotions. And yes i agree with Joan about a remark that we just have to get on with it is very unhelpful and shallow. I'm sorry if i have misunderstood what was meant by the comment. Vonski, i don't know you but i hope you'll accept my heart felt warmest wishes. Please keep posting. Heidi x

sharmaine

Dear Vonski

Your message made me cry. You have been through hell by all accounts and it doesn't help that your family can't see your need for their love and support.

Somedays life just seems pretty tough and maybe that's how you're feeling now. I hope there is someone close enough to give you the love you need right now.

I'm not so good at this advice stuff so I'm sending you a huge cyber hug.

Take care and I hope you feel brighter soon.

Sharmaine
X

vonski wrote:

Hi

I've been fighting posting this for ages but thought I'd give it a try and hopefully get rid of these demons.

For years I've had to manage without meds, Drs. don't want to prescribe because the don't know exactly what's going on. I did have injections but then the same thing happened. I have lived with excrutiating pain for over 18 mnths. Seen various Consultants and non of them can agree on on thing. Now waiting to see a Rheumy for the first time.

On top of this I was diagnosed with cancer last year, op went wrong and had to be done again. I ended up in ICU, my parents and brother wouldn't visit, we'd fallen out over my gran's will so said they didn't care. I have now recently found out just how close I was to dead, and it was very. I feel now like it would have been better if they had just left me too it. Like my brother said he wishes I'd just get on with it, well so do I.

vonski x

woodbon

Hi Just a quick note to say I hope you feel a bit better today. Remember, we all have had so much help from you and we care very much. Lots of love and a hug, Sue

page35

Oh vonski
Please post again to let us know your ok, or your not ok, or anything.
You must be able somehow from someone to get help with your pain.
your going through so much no wonder you feel like this, but you have to hang in there, with help it can all change for the better.
love page

skezier

Hi Vonski,

Back in a kitchen as a quick lodger just to say (((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))) and if you knew how hard it was to drag this pc ( oh I so wish I had a lap top) and all the gubbins all these miles you'd realize how much you are worth........

You take care Flower and remember you really are a loved and valuable person! I may/may not have reception later but I will be about in thought even if not in 'net'.

You are worth a lot, we know it and deep down a bit of you does and as Gill said I have got to know you and I think so much of you for your courage and strength and when it seems to fail you you come and borrow some of ours. I so hope today is a better one and well xxxxxx Cris (((((((((( ))))))))))

madwestie

Vonski, i was very sad reading you post and thought you were very brave to voice your thoughts.

I hope you can see from all the messages how people have come to rely on your messages and you presance on this forum.

please let us know you are ok

jaspercat

Hi Vonski, have sent you a pm, you are being really brave talking about how you feel, some families are dreadful as I know to my experience, please, please let us know if you are ok, sending a really gentle hug to you, you are not alone love Jaspercatxx

michelle22

Hi Vonski I have just Pm'd you you are in my thought and I really do wish that you would post again to let us all know that you are ok.

Michelle