HELP ME PLS

joanlawson

Hi Carol

I've just noticed that it was only on the 25th that you posted a message saying you felt good about yourself. In that, you were very upbeat and cheerful. You had a big moodswing between then and this post, so that tells me even more that you are suffering from depression. Please seek professional advice as soon as you can, and don't just try to fight it on your own.

You are not a burden to anyone, and your family worries are probably making you feel worse.

Joan

carol101

Hi guys, i'm still here. I have had some sleep this morning but still had another 2 'episodes' today. Although still feeling very low, i am writing this without crying. I have the most painfull headache. It feels like my brain has grown and it's so big that it's pressing against my skull and i just want to cut it open to release the pressure. I know that's not what's happened, just trying to explain how it feels. Co-codamol is one of my meds for the arthur so hopefully that will help take the pain away.

For the past couple of weeks i've had no energy, i just can't be bothered to do anything. It's like when you have flu and even sitting and watching tv is using up energy that you don't have. When my back isn't hurting and i have gone into work, i have been doing far less than what i used to. I don't do the heavy work anymore due to arthur but even sticking address labels on envelopes has been a struggle. When i come home from work i just sit on the sofa. Even watching tv, i was finding i couldn't settle, i was flitting between the tv, the computer and my crochet. It was like i was restless but still couldn't be bothered do to anything. I have also been sleeping a lot. I've always enjoyed my sleep, esspecially at the weekend which i think is quite normal for anyone in a full time job but i have been sleeping 12 - 14 hours and after being awake for about 4 hours i feel the need to sleep again.All 3 of my meds can casue tiredness and fatigue so i just thought it was side effects. I've had a couple of cries, one when i was diagnosed and told there was no cure and a couple because i feel guilty when i take time off work since before all this i used to only take a couple of days off a year which was normally due to flu or a cold. Having read up on depression today it seems it has all been leading up to this and it just all come out last night.

I do know that my hubby is trying to help but he doesn't understand. I've tried to explain it but it's difficult. He thinks it's just like a 'normal' sadness and that a cup of tea will make it all better. He doesn't realise it goes a lot deeper than that. I have just let him read this post and all your replies to try to get him to understand.

Some of you may have read another post where i had just bought a reborn doll, well today i have had a display crib delivered for her. Normally i'm like a child with a new toy but it is still sitting in my front room all boxed up. I just can't be bothered to open it and am not really interested in it. The only reason i am still eating is because my husband cooks and puts it in front of my. If i lived alone i don't think i would be eating. I'm overweight but i know not eating is not the way to loose weight.

I'm not going into work again tonight. When my husband phoned in and said i was suffering depression i started crying again because it's like admitting defeat that i can't cope.

I am going to see if i can get in the Drs tomorrow. My Dr is on holiday for 2 weeks so hubby thought he was doing the best thing by waiting for him to come back.

Sorry this is such a long post but although i'm still rock bottom, well actually i think i'm under the rock, i wanted to write this while i'm not in tears.

Thank you all so much for your help and once i'm out of this black hole i hope i can return the favour when you guys need me.

Carol XXX

woodbon

Hello Carol,
I think that you'r right you are depressed, its not hard to understand why, with all the stuff going on in your family and the pain as well, I have OA in my spine and it makes me tired and fed up sometimes. I do cry and I am depressed at times so I have medication for that as well! Talking about it, even just to us may help you come to terms with everything. A visit to your GP is a must, I should think, as they have all sorts of stuff to offer and a talk about things to a medically quallified person could do you a lot of good, but it won't all happen at once. Anti-depressants take a few weeks to work, for instance if your GP gives them to you, but their really is hope, I can say that without a shadow of a doubt. The old story of Pandora's box being opened and everything escaping but hope, is a good way of describing it. At the bottom, when things are really bad try and see that you do still have hope left.

Your husband is very good, thats something a lot of women would be glad of. He sounds as if he is willing to help you get back on your feet again. I'm glad you felt a bit better today. Take care, lots of love, Sue

debbierose

Hey Carol,

don;t you pinch my posts. I,m the one who used to come on to this site to say I was down and giving up. I was so down at one point I was going to throw myself off a bridge. properly knowing me and my luck the bridge would be 7' high and the river 6ft deep. and dexter doodle would come and save me.
firstly your not letting any one down, Work must want you to stay as long as poss if they are enquiring about making adjustments 2nd your hubby must care for you he stayed with you last night while you were upset. 3rd its the illness not you which gets you so down, 4th you are absolutely exhausted and need a proper rest. so me dear. get back on that phone and call nhs direct and get an out of hours dr out. you need some thing to help you sleep and ease the pain, your not putting on to any one that's what they are there for.
comon gis a smile. read rehabs jokes they are really funny and always make me cheer up.
I'll be checking in on you later
lol
Debbie and Dexter Doodle who sends a whooping big wet kiss.

valval

hi carol u do need to see some one as soon as posible keep your other app. just in case things still not right u need some help coping with all this and it quite normal as some one said u greving for all u have lost the frustration of your brain saying i can do that and body just not able to so hard to cope with good luck your oh sounds lovely and he is doing his best but would u know if u were not going through it none of us would give him a hug and say thanks

elnafinn

Dear Carol

It is such a relief to read that "you are still here" and not crying. You have admitted to yourself that you are in the throes of depression and that is big step, now something can be done about it."IT" has obvously been festering for quite a while and yesterday was just too much. You were at bursting point. I am not at all surprised that you have a humungus headache. Being uninterested in anything and sleeping are signs of depression. I do hope that you are able to see a medic tomorrow and pour out your heart, like you have to us and it will soon be very apparent to the gp that you need help.

You are not the first and you will not be the last. There is help out there for you. The human body and mind can only take so much.

Lots of love and I so hope you get the help you need and deserve as soon as possible.

Lots of love
Elna x

ritwren

How awful for you to be feeling like this. You have many friends and people who care on this site even 'tho we can't be with you. Hope you get a good sleep tonight and see some Dr. tomorrow. I notice you say you emailed the samaritans, they have a 24hour helpline and you can talk to someone at any time of the day or night I think. Don't feel that you are on your own. Hope tomorrow brings some good results.
rita

carol101

How do i approach this with my Dr? Espicially as it won't be my own Dr. I find it easy to post and open up on here but actually talking to someone, well that's a different matter. When i'm trying to tell hubby how i feel i start crying. Where do i start? I worry Dr won't understand what i'm trying to say if i start babbling on

vonski

Hi Carol

Could you print out or write what you've posted on here if you don't feel able to talk to the Dr.

I've just seen your earlier post about the headache, could it be a stress headache like a tight band around your head? You will feel drained of energy and tired with depression and all the stress too.

It's hard for hubbies to understand but it's good that he's trying.

Take care
Love
Vonski x

Wonkylegs

Hi Carol,

as Elna suggested, print this out if you can & take it with you.
As for crying when you see the doctor ... that may well happend but so what? .... they don't expect us to 'put on a brave face' and they need to see how bad we are.

I have cried in the surgery many times. It says more than a hundred words can about how you truly are feeling. Don't try to hide it.

Also, do please talk to someone ......I know what you mean about typing things being easier ... I dothat too when I am really low .... but sometimes hearing a voice talking to you and listening to you is worth a thousand pages of typing.

If the helplines are busy or closed, there is always someone on the end of the phone at the Samaritans, and they don't judge at all ... just listen.

thinking of you and hoping your GP surgery will see you soon
hugs ((((((((())))))))))))

debbierose

how are you Hun.
just wanting to check up on you.
not in a big brother way just in a mates way, I like your posts and I want to hear about newborn dolls and cribs and stuff all new to me.
are you going to try the Dr's tomorrow. do as we have suggested type it out or print the posts and show the Dr. I,m going to follow that advice next time i hit the wall.

I call on you tomorrow and see how you've being. have a nice bath or shower. comb yer hair and have a good nights kip.
lol
Debbie and Dexter Doodle.

woodbon

Hi, As someone said, print out your post on here or type our your last 2 long posts and give them to the Doctor. When you go in to see the doctor, you may just find that it all comes our without needing the notes you have! The doctor will be used to seeing people who have depression, mine is, as I go often enough! Have a good nights rest, take care, love Sue

PS Why do you think GPs have tissues in their office? Its for those of us who forgot to take tissues!

joanlawson

Hello Carol

I'm not a doctor, but it seems to me that you have many of the symptoms of clinical depression: Crying, lack of interest in things, restlessness, headache, sleeping a lot, fatigue. By recognising this, you have taken the first step to helping yourself to feel better. You could take a print-out from here to show the doctor, or otherwise write down a list of your symptoms, and show him/her. I hope you will get some help tomorrow.

Joan

carol101

Well guys since my last post, i had dinner, cooked by hubby. Couldn't eat all of it but eat enough. Then sat with hubby drinking tea (i'm a tea-a-holic) and he read all your replies on here that he hadn't already read. Then i downloaded some of the info on this site to try and get him to understand. Depression can be 1 of the side effects of my meds but also as you know, when you have arthur, it goes with the territory so i'm not sure what is causing it, probably a bit of both. I also done a self diagnosis survey on the NHS web site and it came up with that i am depressed. This may seem stupid but because i'm feeling so negative at the mo, i also got him to answer since he has obviously seen the changes in me. He gave exactly the same answers i did. I also googled depression and we read it through together. I'm not knocking him but he isn't very good at reading, he can read but quickly forgets what he just read but if i read out to him he understands better. I was a bit tearful while doing all that but not hysterical. I cried when he left for work but it didn't last long. I haven't picked my crocheting up all day which is not like me at all and i still haven't opened my parcel.
After i'd settled back down a bit i had a look and found a way to add some photo's on here (there is now a link on my profile) that took a couple of hours to do and although i wasn't exactly over the moon, i was content. Once i'd done that i was just mooching about on the computer, not really doing anything,looking on here,looking on ebay,back to here,on facebook. It's like i'm lost and don't know what to do with myself, but the tears stayed at bay............untill about 3.25am then it all came out again. Luckily hubby takes a break at 3.30 so i phoned him, i didn't talk much, i just cried down the phone to him. He said he hates it when i'm like this as he can't help. I think our docs opens at 8.30 and i'm going to try and see someone. I still don't know what i'm going to say, i hate going to the docs at the best of times because i always feel that i should be able to cope. Even the other week when i was in so much pain i had to bought home from work as i could hardly move, i was in tears with the pain but i'm thinking 'it will go away, i'll get over it'. It was my Dad who phoned my docs and got me some meds.

Iknow.i know i'm stupid, i'm just used to being the strong headed one of the family and now i'm not.

Thank you all so much for being there for me. I'll let you know if i get to the docs or not.

Have a good day all

Carol XXX

carol101

vonski wrote:

Hi Carol

Doesn't sound like your boss thinks you let them down, they obviously want to do all they can to keep you. Look at working tax credit and then you might be able to think about working part time.

Just seen your other post with everything involved with the cancer that is hitting you too and I know how much it affects everyone. You need to find a bit of time for yourself and do something to relax, even an hour just listening to music or a massage might help.

Love
Vonski x

Hi Vonski, i've just looked at working tax credit. As a couple it only applies if you earn less than £17,000. My hubby is on more than that without anything i earn so we don't qualifiy but we couldn't live on his wages. Even me just going part time we would struggle. It should be done on your health, not how much money your husband earns

ritwren

So glad to hear you are a little more settled and hope you get to the Dr. today.He/she may give you some anti depression tablets to take but bear in mind they take a few weeks to kick in. In the meantime your friends are here for you. Very best of luck.
rita

sharmaine

Carol

Hi Carol

I haven't been on the site much but missed your post. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

For one you are not useless. Having arthritis is painful and those of you who have to work must find it tremendously difficult. I was like you 17 months ago and in the end I realised I had to give up my job. I couldn't climb 3 sets of stairs everyday and my job meant that I was always on my feet - with OA in both knees I found the pressure of work just too much. I was travelling and working with pain - it was hard putting on a professional mask. You are not useless. We've had to find ways of making ends meet by changing our mortgage, insurance providers; giving up a few treats like sky and buying a digi box. I saved a lot of money on travelling and parking - nearly £400 a month. I also made savings on other things. This may not be the solution for you....but for every problem there is a solution you just need to find the one that fits in well with you and your family.
I applied for ESA and was successful it isn't much but it helps.

Crying is a release and it shows how worried and concerned you have been. Your husband sounds like a rock. Sit down and discuss ways of going forward. I don't know if you have OA or RA. Speak to your doctor for advice. Have you seen an Occupational Therapist at work?

In the meantime keep posting and take care.

With warm regards and cyber hugs
Sharmaine

joanlawson

Hi Carol

You are certainly not stupid. Depression is an illness, and you are not responsible for feeling the way you do, so don't blame yourself.

I'm glad your husband is being so supportive, even though it is difficult for him to understand. That is a big help.

I wonder whether you managed to see a doctor today :?: I hope so, and also hope that you have received some help by now.

I can't physically send you some flowers to cheer you up, so I will send you some virtual ones.

Joan

joyful164

Dear Carole,
I think I know exactly how you feel Carole. As others have said you are trying so hard to cope with everything. A lots happening in your life. Hope your GP can help. This time of year puts an extra strain on everyone. Working night shifts can't be doing your health any good as it is. I don't think you can sleep so well during the day. I've had a couple of weeks feeling pretty down, tired and pain bad, and I think I can put that down to hearing that my daughter in law, who is also very poorly with cancer, has taken a turn for the worse after an operation. I feel helpless because I can't help her. But you have to sit back and take stock. If you are trying to help parents also that is putting a strain on you at the moment. There are times when you have to become a bit selfish and put yourself first. otherwise, how will your husband cope. So, if work permits, take a breather, get meds sorted get some rest and lots of hugs from that lovely hubby of yours. good luck
joy

vonski

Hi Carol

That is unfair that they take hubbies wage into account but I suppose it's their way of getting out of helping people.

Did you get to the Drs. and what have they done for you, I hope you had a good talk and they did all they should to help you.

Your pics are lovely, you look how every bride should beautiful and very happy. Your knitting makes me jelous, I can do a bit but nothing fancy but I can crotchet.

I hope you are feeling a little bit better today, just have to take little steps.

Love
Vonski x

valval

how u doing did u get to docs??? hope u doing better good luck

carol101

Hello all. Sorry i haven't posted today but i've been sleeping for most of it. No luck with the Dr's but i have got an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. My own Dr is on holiday though so seeing a locum (if i spelt that right) which i'm not too happy about but i can't wait till my own Dr comes back. I've had a few episodes today but nothing like Monday night. I cried that i can't see my own Dr and i cried when my manager emailled me to see how i am. I also recieved a letter from work today asking permission for them to contact my Dr about arthur. I knew this was going to happen and am happy for work to do that since it hopefully will benefit me but when i open it i cried. I know it's just my state of mind at the moment but it felt like admitting defeat, i'm supposed to go to work but now they have to 'look after' me. I'm in a bit of pain today with arthur but it's not surprising with the about of time i'm spending asleep. I feel so exhaused without doing anything.

Although far from ok, at this moment in time i do feel strong enough to tell the Dr everything tomorrow...........if he/she doesn't know, they can't help me.

Again a big thank you to all of you beautiful people


Vonski, thank you for your comments on my photo's

Carol XXX

vonski

Hi Carol

Wish you good luck for tomorrow, don't hold back just tell Dr. everything and take your time. Don't worry if you cry, I've done that and they are good with the tissues. Shame you can't let us know how it went until Friday with the site being down tomorrow.

Love
Vonski x

Wonkylegs

HI Carol,

wow what a lot you have already learned about how this is affecting you - well done!

It took me months to understand and come to terms with what you seem to have managed in a few days so give yourself a pat on the back!

I think the hardest thing about arthritis is that we lose control of our bodies. For those of us who need to feel incontrol (i am the worst at this) it is a double blow! It will get easier, but you seem to realise that youcan't do it on your own .... that is the hardest part to accept.

good luck with your appointment, and if you cry, well, hey they will ahve seen it all before, and sometimes seeing a locum or different GP is a bonus because they suggest something that another might not have known to suggest.

thinking of you tomorrow,
Wonky (((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

debbierose

I think that is a song title. hehehe
hey girl you go for it. tell the Dr every thing just let it out, worry about one thing at a time (if you need to worry at all) shame hubby wasn't going with you but hey us modern girls right!!!
having a locum Dr is always a good thing cos they see a different picture to t he Dr's who see us all the time. I expect you to check in after the Dr and tell us what he/she said hey girl hope it a good looking young man and you find it easy to tell him whats going on with yer.

lol

Debbie and Dexter Doodle.