Caring for my neighbour

joanlawson

joyful164 wrote:

I have had some wonderful neighbours in the past who were elderly and as a young mother, valued their knowledge. One couple were very kind to me and loved Ali and Andy and they would often have them play in their beautiful garden. They were the kind of people who grew all their own food, never wasted anything and this is where Andy started his interest in tools and building. On their golden wedding anniversary, as a thank you I organised and cooked for their party. Including a cake. Rich fruit and beautifully decorated even if I say it myself. I was quite proud of it.
I was thoroughly enjoying the day until a member of their family turned to me and said "Don't expect to get anything in the Will because you do all this". They were really vicious. As you can imagine, I was thoroughly hurt. I was just so happy that my two children had learnt a wealth of knowledge and values from this lovely couple who I loved dearly. I live opposite to where they use to live and now, the garden has been half built on and all the fruit trees have gone except one and which is in the back garden of our other friends. When we spent New Years Eve with them, they promised me some cooking apples off that tree.

Joy

Hi Joy

What a horrible thing for that person to say when you had organised the party :!: :shock: How sick that they thought you had some hidden reason for being the friend of the couple. No wonder you felt hurt. But at least you knew the truth, and you have some lovely memories of them.

tkachev

How awful Joy but not surprising.I expect that was all they cared about-What they were going to get from them.In fact making that comment showed what their motives were.
They can leave their possessions to whoever they want anyway.
Of course you have to protect vulnerable people against unscrupulous money grabbers.But most people do help without requiring any financial reward and its upsetting to be accused otherwise,
Best wishes
Elizabeth

joyful164

tkachev wrote:

How awful Joy but not surprising.I expect that was all they cared about-What they were going to get from them.In fact making that comment showed what their motives were.
They can leave their possessions to whoever they want anyway.
Of course you have to protect vulnerable people against unscrupulous money grabbers.But most people do help without requiring any financial reward and its upsetting to be accused otherwise,
Best wishes
Elizabeth

Do you know what? Never once in the 3 years leading up to their anniversary did I see any of them. It's not that they lived a million miles away. OK, south of London, but that's no excuse.
Unfortunately, after my divorce, I moved away, but we went back once a fortnight.
I can always remember her stories about the lane and footpath that ran along where the busy road is now. You know, they worked very hard with that garden and living off the proceeds Their lives were very rich in comparison to ours.
Joy

joyful164

Sorry Nina, Losing a grandparent is very sad. I have a very sad story about one of my grandmothers, but now is not the time to tell it. Please accept my condolences. Just think of the happy times and that they are not suffering anymore.

Thinking about your neighbour Joan, you may think it was very inconsiderate for the dr to take so long. However much we wish a friend, relation to go into hospital the hands of the dr,whoever is tied, until that person says yes, they do need help and will go.
They are frightened and scared. Do not want to leave their home.
I had the same experience with my aunt. for years she deteriorated with her care and was blind which made it worse. She knew how to get around her little bungalow. I went to her GP and begged for hm to have her taken into hospital, but he told me that if he were to do that, he could be sued for assault in sending her without her saying "yes, I want to go". She finally accepted care at home, but under duress and gave the girls a terrible time. If I tried to go in and do some cleaning she would turn violent to me. We could see the mess, she couldn't. When she fell out of bed the first time, the carer called an ambulance and me. She went for assessment she was malnurished, but she kept saying she wanted to go home and home they sent her. The ambulance man didn't want to take her home inthat condition, but it was the patients wishes. Eventually, after about 5 session of this there was a meeting of professionals and she was sent to another hospital for respite until we got a home arranged. She only lived 2 months after that.

joanlawson

Hi Joy

My friend wasn't reluctant to go into hospital. She was begging to go because she knew how ill she was, as I did too. We both knew that she needed to see a consultant, and to have tests to find out what was wrong. I felt, and still feel, that time was wasted, and in someone of 86, it could have been very serious.

She has now been in hospital for two days, and they are still carrying out more tests, so we haven't got a diagnosis yet, but she is more comfortable, and being well cared for.

valval

hi how is your friend doing tell her how many people are following her on here and wishing her well. hope they sort her soon and she back home with you good luck

joanlawson

Hi Val

Thank you for your kindness. I am going to the hospital this afternoon, and hope to get more news. One positive thing is that they have ruled out any kidney damage, so I am happy about that. But she is still having more tests at present. I am just trying to think of all the ways I can to keep up her spirits.

She is a determined lady,(a retired infant school headmistress) and she is giving the doctors a run for their money :!: Mentally, she is right on the ball, so she won't let them get away with anything. Yesterday, one doctor took a handfull of tissues from a box at the side of the bed, instead of using the hospital ones. They belonged to my friend, so she gave him a real ticking off. I bet he felt about 5 years old again!! I really laughed about it, because I thought it was a good sign that she was feeling better.

Joan

annebr

Joan,

I am gld that your friend has perked up a bit.

How are you? I hope in between visits you are managing to get a rest yourself?

Love to you both.

Anne

dachshund

Hi Joan.
How is your friend getting on i bet she keeps them on there toe's.
Joe was good on the show he sang his single not the climb.
x factor won a award he came on then and i'm sure hedid at the end.
you would be able to watch it on i t v home.
all the best to you and your friend.
take care both of you. joan xx

joanlawson

annebr wrote:

Joan,

I am gld that your friend has perked up a bit.

How are you? I hope in between visits you are managing to get a rest yourself?

Love to you both.

Anne

Thank you for your good wishes, Anne.

My friend, aged 86, was suddenly sent home last night, and no-one asked her whether she had anyone to help her at home. She is still very weak, and would not be able to do much for herself, so I find it very worrying that she was returned home with so little concern for how she was going to cope alone. Luckily, I am able to help her, but the hospital did not know that.

She now has to return for further tests as an out-patient.

joanlawson

dachshund wrote:

Hi Joan.
How is your friend getting on i bet she keeps them on there toe's.
Joe was good on the show he sang his single not the climb.
x factor won a award he came on then and i'm sure hedid at the end.
you would be able to watch it on i t v home.
all the best to you and your friend.
take care both of you. joan xx

Thank you for telling me about Joe, Joan. I'm sorry I missed it, but will try to catch up now. Thank you also for your good wishes.

barbara12

joanlawson wrote:

annebr wrote:

Joan,

I am gld that your friend has perked up a bit.

How are you? I hope in between visits you are managing to get a rest yourself?

Love to you both.

Anne

Thank you for your good wishes, Anne.

My friend, aged 86, was suddenly sent home last night, and no-one asked her whether she had anyone to help her at home. She is still very weak, and would not be able to do much for herself, so I find it very worrying that she was returned home with so little concern for how she was going to cope alone. Luckily, I am able to help her, but the hospital did not know that.

She now has to return for further tests as an out-patient.

Hi Joan, What a kind lady you are, it is awful how they send people home like this, without checking they have someone to take care of them. What is going wrong with the NHS surely they should do all these checks, it makes my blood boil.
You must make sure you look after yourself you can only do your best.
Barbara x

joanlawson

Thank you, Barbara. My friend has always been there for me, in good times and bad for the last 20-odd years, so to help her now is the least I can do. It is very difficult for her because she has no family at all in England.

I had to get the district nurse to call this morning, and she was appalled at the way my friend had been sent home without any checks as to her welfare.

tkachev

Hi Joan,
I was concerned to hear the ladies I was in hospital with having new knees/hips being sent home to live alone.Many of them had these ops because they just couldnt cope alone anymore and needed to cope! It is dreadful way to treat people.Not many peeps have a friend like you,
Best wishes
Elizabeth

annie_mial

Situations like these become more familiar every week. We have no close friends at all left here and absolutely no family, which is why we have decided to move to be closer to our daughter.

It's a wrench for me, I'm pretty much a 'native' here and there are few of us left, but common sense tells me that the time has come to move somewhere less isolated and where we can perhaps make new friends. New beginnings and a fresh start!

That way hopefully neither of us would find ourselves in a situation like that.

Annie

joanlawson

annie_mial wrote:

Situations like these become more familiar every week. We have no close friends at all left here and absolutely no family, which is why we have decided to move to be closer to our daughter.

It's a wrench for me, I'm pretty much a 'native' here and there are few of us left, but common sense tells me that the time has come to move somewhere less isolated and where we can perhaps make new friends. New beginnings and a fresh start!

That way hopefully neither of us would find ourselves in a situation like that.

Annie

Hi Annie

I think that is sensible, although it will be a wrench for you, as you say. I think the best thing will be to involve yourself in any community organisations which appeal to you once you have settled in your new home. Then you will make new friends more easily. My parents moved to live near me when they were older, and I was amazed at how quickly they fitted in their new community.

Unfortunately for my friend, her children live abroad, and she has never wanted to move to either Belgium or the USA where they live. She was an only child herself, so has no other relatives still alive. I ''adopted'' her years ago, and she is my role model and mentor, as well as my friend.

barbara12

Hi Joan again,
You make sure you and your friend get the help you need, I was looking after my neighbour a couple of years ago, I had to go to her doctors to tell him she needed help has she had no one, just a white lie but it worked.
I was happy to look after her, but you can,t do everything.
Take care
Barbara x

joanlawson

tkachev wrote:

Hi Joan,
I was concerned to hear the ladies I was in hospital with having new knees/hips being sent home to live alone.Many of them had these ops because they just couldnt cope alone anymore and needed to cope! It is dreadful way to treat people.Not many peeps have a friend like you,
Best wishes
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth

I wondered how my friend was supposed to eat without anyone to go to the shops for her. No-one at the hospital has bothered to ask, even though they were told that she is 86, and lives alone.

She has possibly got kidney failure; it hasn't been ruled out yet, as we thought it had earlier, so she is quite weak even though she is glad to be home for the time being.

joanlawson

barbara12 wrote:

Hi Joan again,
You make sure you and your friend get the help you need, I was looking after my neighbour a couple of years ago, I had to go to her doctors to tell him she needed help has she had no one, just a white lie but it worked.
I was happy to look after her, but you can,t do everything.
Take care
Barbara x

Hi Barbara

Don't worry, they WILL hear from me, in no uncertain terms :!: :shock: I can be politely assertive, when needs be.

I always play down my involvement in her care, so that they don't just think I will do everything for her.

joyful164

Hello Joan

Sorry not to have got back to you. PC has been down for a couple of days.

Sorry about this lovely lady being sent home so abruptly. It must be very frustrating. If the hospital get the impression that you do all her care, they will send her home. Are they putting a care plan in situ?
There is only so much that you can do and the hospital social worker must be made aware of this. You do not want to make yourself stressed out too much about this lady or you will give yourself a flare up. Your health must come first. It's late now and I'm rather tired, but will hve a chat tomorrow.

It has been a very frustrating 2 days without the PC
All the Best
Joy

Wonkylegs

Joan, only just see this thread, so just catching up on all you have been doing.

I can quite imagine how horrified you were when they sent your friend home like that! It really is dreadful that they get away with doing that presumably just because they need the bed.

I would get onto social services yourself and get them mobilised .... once someone has pointed out that there has been an error they seem to jump to cover their backs for the future.

I say that because my dad has been in a similar situation to yourself, as the only person who was around to look after his friend. It took him more than 6 months to get the GP to actually see his friend, who was obviously suffering from some sort of dementia. They actually found cancer as well, and that was treated really quickly, but the dementia was left and left until my dad got really desperate and then his friend went on 'walkabout' and got returned home by the police :shock:

Since then things have got better care wise, but it is sad that someone in their 80's can seemingly be left to get on with things without anyone checking if they have the help they need.

sorry, that seems to have turned into a bit of a rant :oops: :oops: but I wanted really to wish you well, and I do hope that you get your friend the help she needs.

take care of yourself too though

joanlawson

Thank you for your support, Joy and Wonky

I am capable of getting help for my friend, but I worry about why this situation has arisen in the first place.

I thought no-one elderly or living alone should be sent home in this way with no support. It was a Saturday, so they probably had agency staff in, and no-one seemed to care. But they should have a fail-safe system to make sure that this doesn't happen. This was in a brand-new 'Super-hospital', which has been rated as excellent in nearly everything :!: :shock:

They will be hearing from me, and they should be afraid, VERY afraid :!: :shock: :shock:

livinglegend

joanlawson wrote:

They will be hearing from me, and they should be afraid, VERY afraid :!: :shock: :shock:

They should rightly be afraid for treating someone so badly. Check on their website to see if they have a Charter Mark. If they do, complain to the CM issuer about your friends treatment, as there is a possibility that they could lose their Charter status.

Whatever you send to anyone, make sure that you also let the Chair of the NHS Health Trust have a copy. They oversee the running of the hospital and can take action in cases like this.

Joseph 8)

elnafinn

Dear Joan

This is gross negligence on the behalf of the hospital and when this gets out they will surely be grovelling big time and will endeavour to quickly undo what has already been done. Someone's knuckles are going to be rapped. No elderly person should leave the hospital without some care package put in place. If the person refuses to have this aftercare or discharge themself, then that is a different issue.

The fact that you are a very, very good, caring friend does not automatically mean that you are her carer and this has to be made clear in no uncertain terms but I know you will do that.

You will certainly get this all sorted very quickly, but it is those that have no one, for whatever reason that fills me with such dread as to what could happen and obvously does happen. We should not have to do this either. Patients should automatically be cared for during their hospitalisation and aftercare arrangements made if necessary, so there is as smooth as possible a transit from hospital to home. Your friend appears to have received none of this aftercare.

I hope you raise merry hell with this scenario. The local press would like to hear information like this, I am sure.

I wish you all the very best with this. You will get results, I know you will.

Luv
Elna x

dachshund

Hi Joan.
I feel so sorry for your friend it seems that the hospital dont care a bout her its like being on a conveyor belt your done you can go.
your friend is very lucky to have such a kind caring neighbour and i'm sure she helps you has well. joan xx