can't do this anymore

salamander

I've hesitated posting again as everyone has been so supportive of late. However, I've got so depressed over the past couple of weeks. I can't do very much at all and am just sitting at home mostly waiting for my appointment to see the consultant next week. I can't walk very far without being in a lot of pain, can't do much with my hands. When I put the steroids up I just end up crying half the day. I live on my own and have no help. Friends keep inviting me out but just don't feel up to going.

I will call my gp tomorrow and ask, again, to go on antidepressants. I just don't hold out much hope for the future.

ironic

Sally come on girl you can and will come through this flower.
Ring a mate up and invite them round to yours. Get the chocolate out and the music on.
Tomorrow will soon be here and you must get yourself down to the Dr's.
I am not at all surprised that you are so down. you have been through so much resently.
Lots and lots of hugs winging your way to you.

Ix

annie_mial

Oh, Sal...poor you! You've taken the first step though, of making the decision to speak to your doc again. That is a positive action so carry it through..........and let him/her see just how down and in pain you are, no fudging round the issues - including your own reaction to a higher steroid dose.

If you spend tonight making a list of symptoms, questions, etc etc, it may help you when you see the doc. Even if you don't take it with you, just writing it down could help make it clearer in your own mind.

You are far too young to fear the future.....it's out there waiting for you.

Annie
xx

bailey27

Hey, yes you can do it. I am going through a tough patch at the moment too and put steroids up after taking me year to bring them down. Unfortunately it is what I am starting to realise happens. You can not change the deck of cards you have been dealt but got to try and stay positive however hard it gets. Everyone on here will give you support. I feel guilty in a way becasue when things are going well for me I have had time off here but when things get bad I turn to this forum straight away as I know everyone will pull me thorugh. Please try and stay positive. Things will improve. Good luck at your appointment tomorow. xx

stlucia

Just wanted to send the biggest hugs ever. I have been feeling similarly and just really feel for you. I hope seeing your gp is much more helpful than you expect. Is there anyone who could come and help you out this week? Please keep talking on here and use us for support.
Xxx

salamander wrote:

I've hesitated posting again as everyone has been so supportive of late. However, I've got so depressed over the past couple of weeks. I can't do very much at all and am just sitting at home mostly waiting for my appointment to see the consultant next week. I can't walk very far without being in a lot of pain, can't do much with my hands. When I put the steroids up I just end up crying half the day. I live on my own and have no help. Friends keep inviting me out but just don't feel up to going.

I will call my gp tomorrow and ask, again, to go on antidepressants. I just don't hold out much hope for the future.

Wonkylegs

salamander wrote:

I've hesitated posting again as everyone has been so supportive of late. However, I've got so depressed over the past couple of weeks. I can't do very much at all and am just sitting at home mostly waiting for my appointment to see the consultant next week. I can't walk very far without being in a lot of pain, can't do much with my hands. When I put the steroids up I just end up crying half the day. I live on my own and have no help. Friends keep inviting me out but just don't feel up to going.

I will call my gp tomorrow and ask, again, to go on antidepressants. I just don't hold out much hope for the future.

OH love, I know that kind of feeling only too well, and I can promise you that half of it at least is the meds and all the b***dy hanging about for appointments. Neither help at all, and arthur plays up because of it.

But I also know that knowing that doesn't help you feel better.

Never feel you can't be honest on here...... it is the one thing that keeps most of us going - knowing that when we have a bad day/time (and we all do at some point if we are honest) then someone on here will be able to offer a bit of support, a hug or a listening ear.

Give yourself permission to look after yourself right now. That means deciding what your body needs .... and your mind too. SO if it is a day in bed in front of a DVD of your fave programme, then do it! Honestly it can be ok to do that for a while .... it's what you CAN do that is important right now, not what you can't do (ban the word )

what give you pleasure that you can do? - be creative in how you think about what you could do ..... and see if you can do something for you even for a few minutes to make yourself feel brighter.

And when you do see you GP have you thought of asking for any psychological help - like counselling or other therapy services that are available? I just mention this because I have been there (and regularly revist) feeling like you describe, and I cope using skills I learned through a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which might be availalble to you if you asked. And I've taken antidepressants for so long I have lost track of how long, but who cares as long as they help eh?

good luck with your GP. & be proud of yourself for knowing that you need to ask for help.

loads of hugs ((((((()))))))

WOnky

dreamdaisy

Arthritis is isolating. It is a sly, insidious, creeping malaise that wraps your body in a slug-like glue of defeat. If you let it. Sometimes the fight is just too much.

Anti-depressants are not a defeat - it is a sign that you want to fight back, and this is the first step. Come and tell us how you feel - this is a god-awful time of year, the nights draw in, the weather is dank, fogs and mists begin and not only in one's mind. We're here, moan and groan away, it does help to let people know, it does ease the tension. Someone will always answer. Talk to us, salamander. You have been having a rough ride, we're there too. You are not alone in this. We are fighting with you. DD

theresa4

Salamander I know just how you feel. I was in the same place as you feeling like enough was enough I nearly left it too late to see my GP Im now on Prozac something I have always siad no to (only a low dose) but it keeps me up just enough. Its not about being depressed its about the restriction on your life due to pain and stiffness. Thats why I didnt want anti d's im not depressed just frustrated but they obviously help abit.
Im still having problems but Im trying to get through. Try not to allow yourself to be isolated and even if its just for a coffee try to go out with your friends (I know its easier said than done but do try). Happy to chat if you want

Hugs ((((())))

Theresa x

lululu

Sorry you are having such a bad time Salamander, you have recognised the depression and are making the first steps to beating it. I too live alone and know what it is like to have to struggle when you are not well but it will get better lovey, you are the most important person in your world Salamander so you need to be kind to yourself, slowly you will get stronger. I don't know what area you live but if I am anywhere near I will be more than happy to help you through this difficult time - I know this so could easily be me and not you which is why I am moved to make this offer. Please feel free to send a private message if you think I can help you with practical everyday things or even if you just want to chat off-line. Take care.
lulu

salamander

Thanks everyone, am overwhelmed by your kindness. Am trying hard Ironic to get myself through this. Have rung some friends and did have a coffee with one today and am telling some of them just how I am feeling, which is a bit of a breakthrough. The friend I had coffee with this morning said he thought I had been really 'up' lately. Don't know what planet he is on.....

Hi Annie, have made a list. I will drop a note into my Dr tomorrow. She's been trying to keep me off the anti d's as I've had so many drugs. I know I've been through a lot and that a lot what I am feeling is frustration. It helps to hear am not the only one to react like this (Bailey, Theresa, St. Lucia, Wonky et al.) It's the endless days. Just don't seem to be able to motivate myself at all. I really want to be out in the world doing normal stuff. I hear what you are saying B about setbacks. I've had one with the methotrexate being stopped and no replacement yet - what the appt next week is about. Hate the steroids but won't get them down for a few months yet I don't think.

DD, thanks for responding, esp when you've been going through it yourself. What a horrible disease this is. Can hardly believe I find myself in this situation, what a shocker. But thanks again. Don't know what I would do without you all.
xx

salamander

Theresa & Lulu, meant to say thanks for your very kind offers of support. Can I PM you tomorrow? Am going to get some rest!
xx

jean123

I am so sorry to hear that you are so down, salamander. The hHlplines on here are really good, and you can either contact them on the forum, email them them or phone them - details at the top of every page.

Jean and the forum team

dreamdaisy

Morning salamander, I hope you had some rest last night. I have just read your friend's comment about you being really up - that shows how well you are hiding the truth from people you know. That is not always a good idea - if they are not aware of the low times, how can they help? I know that thread after thread appears on here commenting on the insensitivity of families and friends, but there are the odd one or two out there who do get it, and who do understand.

Have a think around your group, see if there is anyone you feel would be able to comprehend, get them round for coffee (they bring the biccies, saves you going out), and tell 'em about the spoon theory to illustrate the unpredicatability of this foul pestilence. People do not grasp the unending nature of this battle: they think that when ill, you go to the doc and he gives you medicine and you get better. Apparently that does work for some things, though it's a strange concept to me! Unless they are told about arthritis, have it explained, they will miss the essential point: your life has changed beyond recognition in the way that it is lived, but YOU haven't changed, the essential salamander is still there, just swamped. Don't forget, we're here. We know what it is like. DD

nearlybionic

Hi Salamander
Sorry I missed this thread last night.
I hope you had a reasonable night and you are able to see your GP today.
I am not surprised by your comment that your friend thoght you were `up` at the moment. Often when we are feeling low we put on a `mask` to cover up how we really feel and so others don`t notice and in turn don`t ask how we are. I know I definately do this (currently doing this) as I kno I would probably breakdown if someone was to ask how I really feel. Please keep talking here, there are so many people who understand and can help just by being here.
I hope your appointment at the GP goes well, and that you get the antidepressants. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
NB

frogmorton

Good Morning Sal

I am sorry I wasn't on later last night so i missed your thread.

you poor poor thing.

well done for telling a friend - you need to do this - you shouldnt be coping alone - now they will suprise you and rallly round.

I hope your GP takes you serioulsy this time and doe what he/she can do to help.

As Jean123 said the helplines are really good - I have rung them in teh past and said nothing for ages only bawled! Ring them if you need to

But Sal

you are nevre alone with us lot.

Love

Toni xx

carola

Hello

Hope you are feeling half decent today?

I have discovered through experience that telling your friends and family how you feel is essential. Don't always try to put a brave face on - they need to get an inkling of what this is like to help and support you when you need it.

I found that the most supportive people were sometimes the unlikelist of people and that I feel very let down by others. Because of my illness I see some people in my life in an entirely new and positive light and if it weren't for my illness I would never have unearthed these precious relationships.

Keep smiling and keep posting Carol

skezier

Hi Sally,

Sorry I haven't been around till now.

Oh flower I know how hard it sometimes feels to just hang on and hope for a better time of it but your inside 8 days now of seeing your rumo and with luck will get some real help and feel better soon.

Sending a ((((( ))))) and a hope that today was a better day for you. Love Cris xx

barbara12

Hello Sally
I am so sorry I missed your post last night, by talking to us and your friend, you have done something positive.
Hopefully when you have seen your rheumy and got the pain under control then you can talk things over again with your GP, there are very mild ADs, and there are many people on here that take them.
But you keep talking to us, it will give you some relief to get it off your chest.
Please let us know how you are.
Love
Barbara xx

dorcas

Hi Sally,

hope that you have been able to make an appointment/ see your doc and that she at least was willing to listen to how bad things have been for you.. and how low you have been feeling.

It is hard to let people know exactly how arther is affecting you... but as Carola said it can result in support and understanding from the unlikeliest of people. :!: I'm glad you have started to let your friends know and hopefully they will rally round.

You always have us on the forum to turn to Sally.... and never think that you can't or shouldn't post... we all go through really tough times and the support of folks here has seen me through some difficult days.

Hold on to the fact that the rheummys have lots of cards up there sleeves when it comes to looking at alternative treatments when one drug stops working.... so spend some time as already suggested preparing for that next important appointment.

I know I've had better outcomes at the appointments where I've taken time to write down what's been happening arther wise since the last appointment, what my concerns are and what I'd like the rheummy to discuss with me.

keep posting Sally... we are here for you.

iris xxx

salamander

Thanks everyone, Carola, I know you are so right. I am finding that there are some real gems out there. Someone I had coffee with at the weekend and hadn't seen for ages sent me loads of info and help.

Cris, you've had so much on your plate yourself. Thanks for the hugs!! Really needed

Thanks Barbara, I will take something once I can get to talk to my doctor. Didn't see her today Iris, was going to ring but I decided to take positive action. My feet are killing me from travelling about but feel I've achieved something. I need to talk to the docs about managing the steroids until something else kicks in and will phone her tomorrow. I have a lot of confidence in my consultant - just need to see the man!

I really hit rock bottom yesterday and decided to just take control of my life again. I'm not going to be ruled by this disease nor destroyed by it either. So thanks for the overwhelming support. Means so much to me. Let's hope I can keep this attitude up for a bit :?

stlucia

Go for it! Daily living for us all is a hard struggle BUT I think that in order to cope with the disease, we have developed an inner strength to keep going and persevering. You can do it. Times will be hard, and times will be less hard, but just keep trying. That's all anyone can ask. Keep talking to friends and on here, also to your Consultant and GP.
Hugs
xx

salamander wrote:

Thanks everyone, Carola, I know you are so right. I am finding that there are some real gems out there. Someone I had coffee with at the weekend and hadn't seen for ages sent me loads of info and help.

Cris, you've had so much on your plate yourself. Thanks for the hugs!! Really needed

Thanks Barbara, I will take something once I can get to talk to my doctor. Didn't see her today Iris, was going to ring but I decided to take positive action and go and do some work. My feet are killing me from travelling about but feel I've achieved something. I need to talk to the docs about managing the steroids until something else kicks in and will phone her tomorrow. I have a lot of confidence in my consultant - just need to see the man!

I really hit rock bottom yesterday and decided to just take control of my life again. I'm not going to be ruled by this disease nor destroyed by it either. So thanks for the overwhelming support. Means so much to me. Let's hope I can keep this attitude up for a bit :?

:x

salamander

thanks St. Lu! Yes, I can be strong but stronger with you lot behind me!
xx

stlucia

salamander wrote:

thanks St. Lu! Yes, I can be strong but stronger with you lot behind me!
xx

We will push you all the way! (With balloons and pom poms of course! Can you hear us cheering?!)

salamander

I hope I can return the favour some time

annie_mial

So glad you are feeling more positive, Sal! Keep your chin up and don't look back........

Annie
xx

woodbon

Hi, I'm sorry you are so down at the moment, being unable to do things because it hurts sometimes gets to you more than others and this damp weather is not only bad for the joints, its bad for the mind! I hope things soon feel more managable for you. Love Sue