Acceptance?

Airwave!

Goodness gracious me, do you know you might be right, of course acceptance will be different for everyone, I shall hang out the flags today!

Sarah1955

I really don't understand this whole acceptance thing..What does it mean and do you gain anything from it? Has acceptance changed anything to you? Do you see your life from a different perspective or something ?

For me the only thing that matters is that my life is going worse and worse..I had to stop running, then I had to stop walking long distances. Now I can't even stand for more than 10 minutes without severe knee pain.. Even certain sex positions are out of option because my knee hurts! All my life has changed. Even when I wash the dishes I use a tall chair to avoid pain/further knee damage...

It just plain sucks, and I try to live the best I can with my bad knees.. For me there is nothing to accept, it just is what it is!

carole123

A very late response to this thread! I wonder if anyone is still watching? If so I hope everyone had a very happy Christmas.

I found it took about 2 years to accept my OA - which I'm sure isn't as bad as what some folks here have to deal with. I used to be very outdoorsy - long walks etc - but walking isn't a pleasure now - I just do it if I have to. Actually there is an exception to that - I do street photography, which means wandering through markets, high streets etc to take pics, and because I love to do it my legs & back just have to get on with it.

It's been a slow adaptation, but balancing exercise with rest at just the right levels has really helped. I've managed to come off the pills (Arthrotec) a year or so ago and just use paracetamol or co-codamol every week or so, perhaps if I want to do a photo trip or something. Seems to work so far, a day at a time I always think. The danger for me is always sitting too long - very tempting and I suffer for it afterwards.
Happy new year to all on the list,
Carole

stickywicket

Sarah1955 wrote:

I really don't understand this whole acceptance thing..What does it mean and do you gain anything from it? Has acceptance changed anything to you? Do you see your life from a different perspective or something ?

For me the only thing that matters is that my life is going worse and worse..I had to stop running, then I had to stop walking long distances. Now I can't even stand for more than 10 minutes without severe knee pain.. Even certain sex positions are out of option because my knee hurts! All my life has changed. Even when I wash the dishes I use a tall chair to avoid pain/further knee damage...

It just plain sucks, and I try to live the best I can with my bad knees.. For me there is nothing to accept, it just is what it is!

I don’t know if this will help at all, Sarah, but let me tell you how things were for me before acceptance.

I tried to continue as before, doing all that I’d done previously, being like my contemporaries. I was, in my own mind, just the same except that everything I did hurt and I got much more tired, more quickly and I’d to take daily meds that made me ill regularly. I pretended I didn’t want to do things that actually, without the pain and sheer difficulties, I’d have loved to do.

I remember the horror of realising that, actually, I was disabled. It was as if I’d suddenly found myself on the far side of a chasm separating ‘normal’ from ‘other’. It both hurt and shocked me. But, accepting that I was now ‘other’ freed me up to enjoy the life I have rather than always looking back over my shoulder to the life I wanted. Of course there are many limitations but there is a great deal of freedom within the limitations which can’t be appreciated when one is focusing all ones efforts on tunnelling out.

My arthritis has taught me a lot of valuable lessons that I didn’t want to learn but would not, now, be without. It’s made me stop and think on a much deeper level. It’s given me (to some extent ) patience which I never had. It’s made me (I hope) more sensitive to, and understanding of, other people’s pain whether physical or emotional. Last, but far from least, it’s given me contact with others whose daily courage, utter lack of self-pity and amazing kindness to – often ungrateful - strangers makes me feel proud to be part of ‘their gang’.

There is far more to life than being healthy and painfree and it’s often only in adversity that we find it. I think acceptance is all about saying with Martin Luther “Here I stand (Or sit. Or lie ). I can do no other.” And learning to enjoy being oneself.

stickywicket

carole123 wrote:

A very late response to this thread! I wonder if anyone is still watching? If so I hope everyone had a very happy Christmas.

I found it took about 2 years to accept my OA - which I'm sure isn't as bad as what some folks here have to deal with. I used to be very outdoorsy - long walks etc - but walking isn't a pleasure now - I just do it if I have to. Actually there is an exception to that - I do street photography, which means wandering through markets, high streets etc to take pics, and because I love to do it my legs & back just have to get on with it.

It's been a slow adaptation, but balancing exercise with rest at just the right levels has really helped. I've managed to come off the pills (Arthrotec) a year or so ago and just use paracetamol or co-codamol every week or so, perhaps if I want to do a photo trip or something. Seems to work so far, a day at a time I always think. The danger for me is always sitting too long - very tempting and I suffer for it afterwards.
Happy new year to all on the list,
Carole

Thank you, Carole. I had a lovely Christmas.

I think none of us can really tell what others deal with as our individual experiences of arthritis are coloured by circumstances – proximity of family and friends, arthritis-friendliness of home, other health issues etc. All we know for sure is that everyone hurts. I love your attitude to it and I hope it serves you well for a long time so that you can continue with your street photography.

Happy New Year to you, too.

acheyaudball

hello all.
I've posted in the newbie section, but I love this thread.... I have year old roller skates. Bought before I knew what was wrong, just thought my buckled hips were playing up. And five pairs of wedgies, could never ever wear stilletos. Lol. Still telling myself that after I get my new hip I'll be fine. Ha ha who am I kidding. x
So nice to meet people going through similar. x

Geoff71

keith1971 wrote:

Hi Lynn,

I've only had this disease for a year but I think I've already reached the acceptance stage, all the other stages just waste too much precious energy & are too negative to get bogged down in - I believe that a positive fighter outlook is an essential part of battling the disease. It's all too easy to get dragged down by the other stages & that helps no-one. We have one life to live.

x

Hi Keith
wise words. im a little behind you on the acceptance level but am getting there
all the best

dreamdaisy

It's hard to accept the person you have become. I never thought that at the age of 53 I would be reliant on a rollator. Life was not supposed to turn out like that and the fact that it has is less than edifying.

Of the two arthritises I have the OA is far easier to deal with. It presents itself fair and square, it's true to itself, it lacks the devious and secretive nature of the auto version (in my case PsA). When I began with that one I was genuinely bewildered at how my body was behaving (but when I found the reason why it made perfect sense). The OA discovery was a shock, I don't deny that, but give me that one every time. If I could jettison the other I would but at least I've only another twenty or so years to go, the relief then will be eternal. DD

Airwave!

Thank you for your thoughtful inputs, it makes my own valid, at least for me. arther is just a condition of the body.
8) Its a grin, honest!

woodbon

I'm not into acceptance and its been a few years. Sometimes, I think I've got there and I'm going to be comfortable,without worrying about being smart or fashionable, but then I let it all go and decided that acceptance is giving in and I'm going to fight it. I will do the things I want and suffer later. Iwill moan if I don't feel well. I'm not even sure what 'acceptance' is, or that I believe in it. Life is a series of good days and bad, sometimes I cope, others I can't. But I suppose we are all different. Good luck, Keith and enjoy the coping days and hope they last. love Suexx

lupin15

What a great thread ..... I do consider myself to be very lucky to be here not only with all you wonderful people but to be alive. Arthur for me to start with was probably the cruellest thing that could have happened to me. I used exercises as my escape from my cancer which included running when recovering the first time. After the chemio that to pay to that , due to my bones and muscle strength. :x I have been told i have non specific arthur so it kind of has a name now which in a way helps. I have accepted that my body is older than how i feel mentally and i cannot do all the things i use to, this does not stop me still doing some of the things... may take me longer, like knitting, still can walk and enjoy life but it has to be at a slower pace. Frustrating yes some times because my mind finds it hard to understand why i am not doing it the way i use to. I have ever intention of enjoying life to the full, with or without pain. I know i will have more pants days as it progress but will cross that bridge when i get to get. Roll on the summer, warmth and sunshine, it always makes me feel so much better.
As to shoes.. i hate buying them always have.. not worn heels in years not sure that i could stand upright in them let alone walk... but it must be really tuff for you younger lasses /lads!!!!!
This site is great for support and long may it continue... hugs to everyone and have a good and pain free day as possible. XXXXX

Airwave!

I agree that 'acceptance' is hard to write down in a sentence that means something to all of us, as near as I can get is, 'to find a way of carrying on life without thinking or being reminded about arther'.

I would have liked to have found this thread a few years back, might have saved some anguish?

lazicat

I wish I could find acceptance ...... I long for my previous self.
Ive had a few really bad days with my OA , cant seem to pace myself & just as I think Im getting somewhere I then seem to go backwards again.
Life is a struggle now & I feel so down.

dreamdaisy

You are your previous self, Lazicat. OK, I agree that your body is letting you down ( as is mine) and your mind is fighting it all too (ditto) but the inner you is still there. Arthritis does not (or rather should not be allowed to?) change the inner person. I'm the same person I was before this started, the only difference is I can't do much now on the physical front, and what I can do dwindles year on year, but so what? It would anyway, it's called ageing but I'm doing it faster than my un-arthritic contemporaries. DD

lazicat

Thanks DD. I was having a really bad day & have had several sleepless nights. Im feeling a bit better & brighter today, going to see my GP again & tell her Im struggling, I normally put on a brave face. Doesnt help that I dont like the winter much. Looking forward to the spring bulbs poking their heads through the ground.
........ I know there are people who are alot worse off than me , its just its early days still & it all came on so suddenly - bit of a shock !

HARPER04

I hate my Arthur
I hate it as if it were a person
What it has done to me I can never forgive
I realise there is nothing I can do about the pain which at the moment is going through the roof
But that just makes me hate Arthur even more
Bitter and twisted is not a good thing to be
But in this day and age nobody should have to suffer the pain and discomfort that Arthur brings almost like when a relative you dislike comes to pay a visit and outstays their welcome
I will accept the pain but never the disease

maria09

Harper
I think we all agree with you on this
You have said everything I feel
Maria

stickywicket

maria09 wrote:

Harper
I think we all agree with you on this
You have said everything I feel
Maria

I don't Firstly, I would never call it 'arthur' as it's a disease not a person. I did used to hate it but hatred is just a waste of the energy needed to deal witth it. Arthritis saps our strength so we need to conserve energy and replenish it with positive thoughts and emotions not deplete it further with negative ones.

Secondly, arthritis has taught me a lot of valuable lessons and brought some good things and people into my life.

Thirdly, I don't see why 'no-one should suffer the pain and discomfort of arthritis'. There are many diseases, illnesses and situations that cause chronic pain. Arthritis is just one.

Life is surely about finding the positives about where we are not constantly longing to be somewhere we can't be.

Philippa1961

I haven't read all this thread so I'm jumping in the deep end.

The first few years of having arthritis didn't really bother me as it was just in my fingers and right wrist. I was a member of a gym in a leisure centre and one of the instructors was great. He gave me good exercises to do which helped with pain relief as well as keeping my fingers flexible.

I find I have periods of it really getting me down such as 2008 as it started affecting my right hip. My husband and I used to like walking for miles with our dogs so my hip started to affect how much I walked on a daily basis. Last year I went through a bad patch as the arthritis has got worse and spreading through my body. It took a long time for me to have a good combination of painkillers.

For me it wasn't so much accepting I have arthritis it's been learning to accept that I can't do as much as I used to. It's frustrating on the days I can't do so much.

Boomer13

Very interesting reading all your perspectives on this. Acceptance? I don't feel I have a choice there; the limitations are there no matter how I think about it. Wishing it weren't won't change that. I really don't think think I've accepted things so that I'm positive in my thinking all the time. Too hard to do that. I often think of my illness as some big ogre that I now share my body with. I do what it says and how much, when it says. Period. I have been very depressed since I developed real limitations; loss of function, career, hobbies (but still have a large, impossible to wear shoe collection!). I seriously considered just stopping my life but couldn't go that route. I'm determined to see this through no matter what, but whoa, some days/weeks I really reach my limit for what I can endure. Now I force myself to look for the positive in my life in a disciplined way, everyday, and it has nice effects for me. Meditation and keeping a journal help me not get too "stuck" in my thinking about this. I'm always at the ready for that good day when I don't have to be reminded I'm sick every minute. They happen once in a while, so I try to be ready to enjoy it when it does. I was very athletic prior to illness so I really fight not to dwell on the fact that I'll never be able to go on another long hike, etc. When I was getting sick and didn't realize it, I think I drove myself harder to be fitter and stronger, fight the stiffness, pain, work/try harder, etc. Doctors were telling me someone as healthy as I was couldn't possibly be sick (bloods normal as have seroneg. arthritis). I realize now that the stress I putting myself under pushing so hard probably made me get much worse faster. I finally succumbed and honestly, it was a huge relief to find I had a physical problem, not some kind of personal/mental failing. I still remember the sense of relief as I flopped onto the Rheumatologist's exam table a few years ago (I was on a waitlist for a very long time and only got a referral because of a sick-leave doctor filling in for my regular GP); I thought he could "fix" me and really knew very little about rheumatic illness then. Because I'm always getting worse, it's hard to think about what might be coming next.....I still get "you look so healthy how can you be that painful?" from old friends. I find that very difficult to cope with/accept. I tend to say very little about it now but you wouldn't guess that from the length of this post!!
Writing a book here so I'll say goodbye for now. Wishing you all that less-pain-day that could be right around the corner....
Anna

HARPER04

stickywicket wrote:

maria09 wrote:

Harper
I think we all agree with you on this
You have said everything I feel
Maria

I don't Firstly, I would never call it 'arthur' as it's a disease not a person. I did used to hate it but hatred is just a waste of the energy needed to deal witth it. Arthritis saps our strength so we need to conserve energy and replenish it with positive thoughts and emotions not deplete it further with negative ones.

Secondly, arthritis has taught me a lot of valuable lessons and brought some good things and people into my life.

Thirdly, I don't see why 'no-one should suffer the pain and discomfort of arthritis'. There are many diseases, illnesses and situations that cause chronic pain. Arthritis is just one.

Life is surely about finding the positives about where we are not constantly longing to be somewhere we can't be.

First I call it Arthur because to me its short for Arthritis just as some people call RA Rheumy I am well aware of it being a disease having suffered from it for the last 10 years or more

Second in the perfect utopian society it would be a wonderful thing if we could forgive and be free of hate but I cant forgive or stop hating something that has taken away from me so much and is taking more and more each passing year leaving me in pain ,Loss of mobility and suffering from depression and causes the people close to me to suffer the distress of having to watch me to all of these things

Thirdly the original post was about acceptance you have obviously accepted what arthritis brings and I am happy for you but I can honestly say hand on heart I will never lower the flag in my own personal vendetta against Arthritis and leave you with this poem as my final thought on the matter


My beauty within has been taken
No longer does it lie within
My twisted frame
Wrapped in pain
Trapped within an unforgiving skin
My movement no longer flowing
With stunted grace I walk
My words are bitter
No longer do I wish to talk
So sour my demeanour
Sweetness avoids my eye
Mother natures cruel joke
Fails to make me smile
Is this how its meant to be
An ever darkening day
A twisted frame
Wrapped in pain
In an unforgiving skin

dreamdaisy

Luckily for me I realised at a very early age that other people were destined to have lovely lives and that I would not be included in that number. I wasn't expecting arthritis to arrive but when it did it confirmed my early suspicions about my quality of life compared to others. I have to laugh when the healthy start moaning about the odd twinge here and there - get real.

Call it 'Arthur'? Never. That is an insult to my belovéd late father who bore that noble name and to anthropomorphise this disease is distasteful in the extreme. OK, I don't have the life I would like but it's the only one I will ever have and it's up to me to make the best of it.

Pain? A constant presence. Tiredness? Also constant. Depression? Tick that box too. The injections and pill-taking are a bore but a necessary one but so what? I have an enquiring mind, I love laughing, enjoy seeing friends as and when, I can still appreciate the little things in life and I utterly refuse to drone on to anyone who will listen about how difficult arthritis makes my life. This is my trouble, my problem, not theirs. DD

PS Rheumy is short for rheumatologist.

stickywicket

HARPER04 wrote:

First I call it Arthur because to me its short for Arthritis just as some people call RA Rheumy I am well aware of it being a disease having suffered from it for the last 10 years or more

Second in the perfect utopian society it would be a wonderful thing if we could forgive and be free of hate but I cant forgive or stop hating something that has taken away from me so much and is taking more and more each passing year leaving me in pain ,Loss of mobility and suffering from depression and causes the people close to me to suffer the distress of having to watch me to all of these things

Thirdly the original post was about acceptance you have obviously accepted what arthritis brings and I am happy for you but I can honestly say hand on heart I will never lower the flag in my own personal vendetta against Arthritis and leave you with this poem as my final thought on the matter

Harper04, I’ve clearly touched a raw nerve here and I’m sorry if my post has upset you.

I’ve had many more years than you in which to come to terms with arthritis and I hope that, in time, you, also, will feel that banging one’s head against a brick wall injures only one’s head and makes no difference whatever to the brick wall.

You are, of course, right that it brings pain and takes away mobility and that it can be distressing for those who love us to see us suffering. But there is still much that it can’t take away and, if we focus on those things, we are happier in ourselves so we can share happiness every bit as much as pain. I firmly believe that happiness and laughter diminish pain.

For me, it means focusing on my beloved husband, children, grandchildren and friends. Arthritis can’t take away my love of cricket (I’m in my element right now ) and, indeed, it gives me more time to watch it. It doesn’t stop me going for lovely walks in the countryside although these days I ride in the wheelchair more than I walk. It doesn’t stop me 'wasting time' with those I love and that’s never time wasted: it’s pure recreation in the original sense of re-creation. It gives energy and strength.

I think also that, although it’s sometimes difficult for those around us to see us in a lot of pain, the experience also broadens their minds. My sons are both naturally helpful towards people with disabilities and will always find ways of including them, usually making the help seem like a fun adventure rather than a ‘giving in’.

I wouldn’t dream of advocating that we just abandon our bodies to the disease and let it have its wicked way with us. On the contrary, my method of gaining control (‘Flying the flag’ if you prefer) is by insisting that it can do its worst and can take away lots of pleasures but I shall still eat, drink, laugh and be merry. I will not treat it any more seriously than I must. It's only a disease. It's not all of me and it certainly doesn't define me.

HARPER04

stickywicket wrote:

HARPER04 wrote:

First I call it Arthur because to me its short for Arthritis just as some people call RA Rheumy I am well aware of it being a disease having suffered from it for the last 10 years or more

Second in the perfect utopian society it would be a wonderful thing if we could forgive and be free of hate but I cant forgive or stop hating something that has taken away from me so much and is taking more and more each passing year leaving me in pain ,Loss of mobility and suffering from depression and causes the people close to me to suffer the distress of having to watch me to all of these things

Thirdly the original post was about acceptance you have obviously accepted what arthritis brings and I am happy for you but I can honestly say hand on heart I will never lower the flag in my own personal vendetta against Arthritis and leave you with this poem as my final thought on the matter

Harper04, I’ve clearly touched a raw nerve here and I’m sorry if my post has upset you.

I’ve had many more years than you in which to come to terms with arthritis and I hope that, in time, you, also, will feel that banging one’s head against a brick wall injures only one’s head and makes no difference whatever to the brick wall.

You are, of course, right that it brings pain and takes away mobility and that it can be distressing for those who love us to see us suffering. But there is still much that it can’t take away and, if we focus on those things, we are happier in ourselves so we can share happiness every bit as much as pain. I firmly believe that happiness and laughter diminish pain.

For me, it means focusing on my beloved husband, children, grandchildren and friends. Arthritis can’t take away my love of cricket (I’m in my element right now ) and, indeed, it gives me more time to watch it. It doesn’t stop me going for lovely walks in the countryside although these days I ride in the wheelchair more than I walk. It doesn’t stop me 'wasting time' with those I love and that’s never time wasted: it’s pure recreation in the original sense of re-creation. It gives energy and strength.

I think also that, although it’s sometimes difficult for those around us to see us in a lot of pain, the experience also broadens their minds. My sons are both naturally helpful towards people with disabilities and will always find ways of including them, usually making the help seem like a fun adventure rather than a ‘giving in’.

I wouldn’t dream of advocating that we just abandon our bodies to the disease and let it have its wicked way with us. On the contrary, my method of gaining control (‘Flying the flag’ if you prefer) is by insisting that it can do its worst and can take away lots of pleasures but I shall still eat, drink, laugh and be merry. I will not treat it any more seriously than I must. It's only a disease. It's not all of me and it certainly doesn't define me.

Stickywicket No offence taken all people are different and its obvious by the amount of posts this subject has raised everybody deals with their Arthritis in different ways It has left me very bitter I was once very fit and active both mentally and physically I played rugby practiced the Martial arts, jogged cycled I also wrote short stories and poems all that has been taken I honestly and sincerely wish I could have your outlook on life and you can count your self lucky to be of the Eat Drink Laugh and be Merry brigade and was particularly struck by your last few lines " Its only a disease I will not treat it any more seriously than I have to Its not all of me and it certainly does not define me " Words I will try and remember on my darker days.

Dreamdaisy I apologies to you if I have offended you by using the term Arthur in reference to Arthritis please except my sincerest apologies and in no way did at any point mean to upset you I did not know that Arthur would create that response from had I have known so I would not have used it

Best wishes to you all in the friendship and support or the forum

stickywicket

As the mother of one very sports-minded son, who still plays cricket weekly at 42, I can understand how hard this must have hit you. I was never particularly sporty though I did like to play tennis and I had a lot of walking (and running) to do daily to get to and from school.

Playing the piano was the first much-loved activity I’d to give up. It might well have been good for my fingers to continue but it was bad for my ears and everyone else’s too :roll: As arthritis has removed things from my life I’ve always tried to take up something else to compensate. Some of the ‘compensations’ proved better than the original activities.

I’m intrigued as to why you’ve had to give up writing. I’ve dabbled in all sorts of things on the writing front and only found the arthritis seriously curtailed things in the early years when pen-holding and heavy typewriter keys were the order of the day. Now that we have touch keyboards and voice-operated software, is it not possible for you to resume this? We have a poetry section on Chit Chat. Why not post some of your poems on there?

Arthritis is tough enough without any additional bitterness and angst. I do hope you can start to enjoy life again.