keith1971 Member Posts: 302
edited 27. Jan 2020, 05:52 in Living with Arthritis archive
Hi Lynn,

I've only had this disease for a year but I think I've already reached the acceptance stage, all the other stages just waste too much precious energy & are too negative to get bogged down in - I believe that a positive fighter outlook is an essential part of battling the disease. It's all too easy to get dragged down by the other stages & that helps no-one. We have one life to live.



  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,280
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Lynn and keith
    I have not got that far yet....I so wish I could except it...but I do battle with arhtur everyday.....and guess who wins... :roll: not me......I might try the shoe thing and see how it goes..
    barbara x
  • jayneys
    jayneys Member Posts: 122
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    No No NO Have not reached Acceptance,wish i could would make life so much easyer for me and my family.People ask WHATS BEEN UP WITH YOU and you feel like saying something else ,because when you say arthritis they give u that look or worse say thats not to bad keep warm.I think acceptance is good and you can start liveing again.Asyou might have guessed not been diagnosed that long ,have got to the stage ware iv looked at the shoes but that as far as iv got ,mybe next week . all the best Jayne xxx
  • keith1971
    keith1971 Member Posts: 302
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Lynn, everyone has their bad days for sure but I'm a married man with a beautiful little boy, my life is much much more than just having arthritis. Believe me I spent a good week or so crying & worrying about the future but as soon as I just accepted it, I already started feeling better.

    Now I'm committed to staying as fit & as healthy as possible through the right medication, diet & positive thinking. My body may have other ideas about all of this but I'm extremely determined to not be defined by an illness.

  • chris7
    chris7 Bots Posts: 2,696
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Lynnie :sad:

    I am still battling my shoe moment with a passion. Gave the walking boots away to my niece years ago, but I can't bear to part with some of my hardly worn shoes and lovely boots just yet, even though it is doubtful I can ever wear them again! So I guess I am not there yet! :???

    Went to a wedding last year and was determined to wear the heels for a couple of hours though I gritted my teeth with the inevitable payback. I did look a sight at the service station in me posh frock and trainers on the way there though. :lol

    Frustrating that such things often inconsequential to others can stir such emotions but those looking in here will all have a tale to tell and will understand a little how you feel. One of my saddest days was when my youngest niece offered to let me ride her new bike and it suddenly hit me like a brick that I had no chance of getting on it!

    Guess for me and some others here, the limitations and acceptances sneak up so slowly we have more time to get used to them but for others
    it hits so hard and fast it's especially cruel and hard to deal with.

    I will be interested to see how others feel on this. You hang in there love and know that someone will enjoy your lovely shoes.
    Gentle hugs ((( )))
  • tillytop
    tillytop Member Posts: 3,460
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Lynn - "shoe moment" is such a good way of putting it!

    It was not long ago that I finally got rid of my remaining pairs of nice shoes (even though I hadn't been able to wear any of them for years) and, until I read your post, I hadn't really thought about it as the moment of acceptance - but looking back, I think it was. Certainly, after nearly 16 years on the RA road, I think I have finally accepted that RA is part of who I am (but oh I still mourn for those pretty shoes).

    Tilly xxx

    PS: Have you taken yours out of the charity bag again yet? :lol:
  • Scarlet
    Scarlet Member Posts: 40
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Lynn

    What an interesting topic. I guess I haven't reached acceptance, because I keep fooling myself and buying inappropriate shoes, then I come to the realisation that I can't wear them and have to take them back to the shop. Which makes me angry haha.

    I actually have a wedding to go to next month, and I bought a gorgeous dress, but it really demands a nice pair of heels to go with it, so I will probably end up taking the dress back :-(

    Anyway, back to your original point!! I guess it is possible to reach acceptance, or maybe its more about compromise? In a sort of 'I'm determined to make the most of my life and go to uni and get my degree etc etc but I also have to face facts - I will always have to ask the boyfriend to open a jar or grate the cheese for me'. I guess its about aspiring to do what you want whilst also accepting your limitations.

    I am 100% more positive about things now, compared to when I was first diagnosed, but I'm only 26 and there are bound to be things down the line which are going to throw up issues. One day I am going to want to have children, and I'm not sure how my body will cope with pregnancy, how I would cope with a child - so while I feel fairly positive about things now, that could all change one day. I guess we just have to cross those bridges when we come to them.

    Jayne I hope you are ok, this really is a fabulous forum full of people who are only too happy to lend an ear (or that should be eyes?!) if you are struggling x
  • caterina57
    caterina57 Member Posts: 1,424
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Very interesting - I have always been a bag and shoe person - today I have been out with my sister, changed handbags and went to get the shoes I bought to go with it and realised that there was no way I could wear them, as I think about it now most of the shoes I have I dont wear, because they kill me. During the winter I have worn one pair of shoes and one pair of boots that have been comfortable. Now the better weather is here I have two pair of sandles that are comfy. I dont know if I can put all my nice shoes in the charity bag just yet!
  • 80squeen
    80squeen Member Posts: 69
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Its interesting and comforting to read others thoughts on this. I thought I'd finally accepted things but h :roll: ave realised that I really haven't and the thought of facing one thing after another is quite depressing at the moment-you feel like you've got things sorted then another thing rears its ugly head! I'll aspire to be as positive as some of you are :green ! :cry:
  • madwestie
    madwestie Member Posts: 383
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Lynn, i have sort of accepted the Ra but only in so far that i have to do the same thigns i used to in a dofferent way I really hate to give things up, inspite of tons of meds that are supposed to make you drowsy i am learning a new job at work, and as for the Shoes well i am sorry but i don't think i will ever get rid of the fancy ones even if they are older than me which could happen soon and they look like they are unworn, i can't bear to part with them...oh i have a lovely pair of green velvet ones with netting bows on the front they look like they are straight out of gone with the wind impossibly high heels but so nice to look at..never likely to be worn again perhaps i should frame them :lol:

  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I haven't reached that stage either, I still have most things from the pre R.A days and certainly have kept my shoes which I no longer wear,

    E x
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • Pherstun
    Pherstun Member Posts: 96
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I agree completely about the 'grieving' process - having been through bereavement, when I think about arthur that's the way I feel, for things lost. I can cope with the pain and discomfort, and the loss of mobility - the thing that gets me most is seeing women walking round in gorgeous shoes and knowing I can't wear them.

    I have never been able to wear really high heels, I do though like wearing shoes with a low heel, up to around an inch. I haven't been able to wear anything but shoes with a very slight heel and thick soles for over a year now since I set off arthur in my foot from a pair of walking boots of all things! These days I need to have shoes that support and cushion my feet, I can't wear thin soled or very flexible shoes.

    I also haven't yet got to the point of getting rid of shoes I can't wear, because I hope that I will some time be able to wear them again. As I sit here typing this I am looking at a couple of pairs longingly as they are in my line of sight in the shoe rack.

    I can walk round the office with kind of sensible yet nice shoes, still nothing thin soled or that dig into the joints of my big toe, but have to wear good quality walking boots outdoors.

    These days in the office when I'm wearing trousers I wear mens Doc Martens, one pair of which is better on my ankles than the other (not sure why that is...), and for summer I have Roma style Fitflops, the black pair of which I have put some elastic round the front and clip on different hair decorations depending on what I'm wearing on the day. Makes them look less dowdy!

    I have a pair of Ecco shoes that used to be very comfortable but I just can't walk in them any more.

    Normally I can't wear flats, partly due to orthotics which mean flats feel I'm falling backwards!, but last year I got a lovely sparkly pair of Skechers which were comfortable then but now I can't walk more than a few steps without getting stabbing pains in each ankle.

    I managed to wear my high leg low heeled boots round the office yesterday but my ankle was playing up towards the end of the day and I had to change to my ever comfy Fitflop sandals.

    Ah well, the shop for pretty yet comfy shoes continues - if they exist!

  • border
    border Member Posts: 94
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I hav a lovely pair of brand new pair of dressy mule type shoes, they are still in their box! I know deep down I will never wear them, but am very relucant to throw them out. Like others .... I might wear them one day :!:
  • suzygirl
    suzygirl Member Posts: 2,005
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Really interesting thread. I find shoes I miss so much, I used to love shoes!! I have got rid of all my heels except one pair, which I can no longer fit into as my feet are so swollen.

    I miss bags as well, I can't carry a bag either. I hate the way frumpy shoes age you.

    I find I keep going through the cycle of different emotions, I think I have accepted then something else crops up. I find I get fed up of how much my life has changed and how difficult it is. No one really understands either and its lonely. Part of me also feels I don't want to 'give in' also.

    Thanks for starting this thread.
  • remixmum
    remixmum Member Posts: 82
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Stuff acceptance, Arthur will drag me kicking and screaming out of heels :lol:

    Not really, though my feet were very swollen till my steroid inj last week, I am usually in comfy shoes (even before arthur).

    I need to wear a frock at the weekend tho, and you cant wear trainers with a dress, so the plan is comfy shoes in the car, posh ones on when we get there and sit down for most of the evening.

    If need be I will have my comfy shoes in car to change in to later.

    This is the plan, it will probably go t*ts up like most of my plans, but worth a try :lol:
    Geri XXX
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Lynn,

    I don't think on one level I will ever reach acceptance and I will keep challenging it cus that's the only way i know and it has actually carried me a long way....

    The rumo told me that I do accept it in the head but not in the lifestyle but I can't give that up so....

    Hey you comfortable shoes... Frankie's boots :lol::lol:

    Its hard to ditch stuff and realise you will never be able to use them again, shoes i dont know now a days but i did as a teenager and it hurt....

    You carry on as you are cus you know you have come a long way and your doing ok in the acceptance department.Love and a ((((( ))))) Cris who is off to be the dormouse again xx
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,036
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Good thread here Lynn ( you did good there ditching your shoes)

    i dont think l have reached acceptance at all

    remain firmly in denial :lol:

    To be honest l think l have accepted , but every now and then l have a bawly moment and hop right back to stage one or two of MY greiving!!!

    The problem is how arhtur sometimes lets you off the hook and you can almost forget it....for a bit!!!

    Keith however l agree with you whatever is going to happen is whether l bawl or not so keeping fit eating healthily and making happy memories for me and my girls is what l do.

    All those shoes....l still have mine :???: Lucy 'borrows' them :wink:


    Toni xx
  • fudge
    fudge Member Posts: 78
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello Collywobble ( love the name) about this acceptance - made me think, is it just sit down with chin on hand and watch all the things in life we once took for granted form a queue - or is it a stoic chin up there are lots of other things in life I can still do :?:

    Having had OA for many years - started at an early age, I now look back at all the things I accepted as could not do any more and the queue is getting rather short :roll: :!:

    I put up a good fight - resisted the urge to look back longingly with an ' if only ' sigh and kept meeting the next challenge head on. My self confidence got lost some where back there, I think I should have chosen the user name ' dither ' :lol::lol: anyway, having now looked back, it is still safe to go out in the rain - I havn't turned to a pillar of salt - I just walk a bit stiffly :!: :!: :lol:

  • suzygirl
    suzygirl Member Posts: 2,005
    edited 29. Apr 2011, 14:44
    Collywobble, (((hugs))) to you. It is a very emotive subject.

    I agree with Toni, I concentrate on making happy memories for my boys. We all 'just get on with it', but it is good to share the struggle with those who understand.

    Personally, the thread has helped as I am finding it all rather hard at the moment. I started off positive, but I am 4 and a 1/2 years down the line with a whole string of ailments and meds with side effects and finding the whole thing rather wearing. I used to be so healthy and am now housebound a lot of the time. So thanks to all who shared their experiences as it is so helpful to see how others feel and cope.

    One day at a time!!!
  • keith1971
    keith1971 Member Posts: 302
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Apologies if i came across as insensitive, wasn't at all my intention.

    Just as this disease affects us all differently, I guess we all have our own emotional responses and ways of coping mentally.

  • lindalegs
    lindalegs Member Posts: 5,378
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Lynn,

    I knew I'd come to terms with having arthur around when I started to dream arthritically. Whenever I dream now I can't run anymore, need help dressing/undressing (though that can be quite interesting depending on who's giving you a hand :wink: ) or undoing a bottle of pop and I'm dying of thirst .............just like real life. :roll:
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • suzygirl
    suzygirl Member Posts: 2,005
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Keith, I hope you didn't post that because of my response!! I didn't think you were insensitive at all.

    I was just saying that I used to have a really positive attitude, and still have largely, its just you get so tired of dealing it, it kind of grinds you down. I really hope your ways of coping are effective and that you never experience that stage. My apologies if I phrased things badly, it was never my intention.
  • woodbon
    woodbon Member Posts: 4,969
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi, I think you've had an 'acceptance day' I get those sometimes they last for weeks, but then I have an angry day or an optimistic day and go out and buy something I hope I'll be able to get on with. Shoes, something with buttons that are small and close together. For me it's never settled down, I have OA of multipule joints, maybe not the same as RA, but we have a lot in common, I think.
    I've still got my wedding shoes and dress, neither fit me now and the shoes I could'nt walk in if they did! Love Sue :lol:
  • madwestie
    madwestie Member Posts: 383
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Lynn, having read all the post i had a rethink and although i thought/think i have some to terms with it I am wondering if i have.
    I still do to much all the time, my body says slow down and i think no just get on with it. my friends say i don't know how you do all the things you do with your RA and my answer would be neither do I. The rheumy nurse is always telling me to slow down and not take on too much.
    But i know that i can't handle anything hot so always call hubby to take pans off the stove and i don't wear high heels,i do use my crutch all the time outdoors.
    So i think i have accepted what i need to, figured out what i want to do and thumbed my nose at the OA/Ra to get on with my life while i can.

    thank you for setting up this post it has really made me think

    ps i am still not getting rid of my high heels :lol:
  • border
    border Member Posts: 94
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    At the risk of sounding too acaemic, I always remember Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of anger to acceptance and the linear form it was presented in. However any form of 'bereavement' is not linear - one day I think I've cracked it and do what I would normally and next day I suffer. I suspect the denial-acceptance process goes on throughout life and effects everything, whether it is shoes or trying to act and live as pre arthur days. I don't know, but for me to cope with arthur, a good dose of reflective realism i.e. pacing and coming to terms with it is a continual thing, not a once and for all effort.
    I hope this is not to preachy, I think I take refuge in words at times. :!:
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I chucked out all the pretty footwear when I realised that I would never wear it again - I couldn't see the point in keeping something that hurts on so many levels. Handbags are sort-of going the same way, rucksacks are more comfortable in some respects and awkward in others, it all depends on how the day is tuning out.

    When I aquire a scooter and/or a chair - and that day will come - then it may well be time to buy a pair of something pretty and feminine and delicate 'cos walking won't be on the cards. Thus the shoes will be a fillip to morale, not a lead weight on my emotions, a reminder of what used to be.

    For the most part I am not bothered that I have arthritis: health was always for other people and it's no big deal. Yes I am peeved at the moment that this pestilence has sprung another version of itself on me but hey-ho, it matters not, not really. As my mother helpfully pointed out to me 'You already have arthritis, so what's the problem?' It isn't acceptance that's the problem, it's adjusting, the gradual erosion of abilities. I just want to know where I am with it all - and I suspect I will never find out. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben