Family fall-outs

applerose

Has anyone else fallen out with family members? I have always felt that my family was close but about 6 months ago, my 2 sisters decided to stop talking to my brother because they felt that he didn't visit my dad often enough. One sister lives next door to him and cooks his meals, takes him shopping and looks after his paperwork. The other lives round the corner from me. I visit once a week and she visits most weeks but, if there's anything else going on, she'll give it a miss. She's missed the last 2 weeks. Why does she think it's ok for her not to visit but it's wrong of my brother?

They were also extremely annoyed that he had borrowed some money because he was paying the mortgage on his house while he was trying to sell it and paying rent for the house he had just moved in to with his girlfriend and they were in arrears. The money was paid back as soon as the house sold. One of my sisters was given twice that amount of money 2 years ago to buy passports for all her family so they could go to Spain for a holiday. They have friends there so only need air fares now. They have never managed to save the money, won't be going this year and I doubt they will for the next few years. They spoken about going for about 10 years now but have never had the money. My other sister told me dad is living off his overdraft now so I suggested that the passport money was given back to dad but she said no, it's not that bad. I don't understand why they think it's ok for one to have money from dad in her savings account but it's wrong for my brother to borrow and pay back money to stop him and his family being evicted.

As my dad has Alzheimers, my sister took his car keys off him and we all tried our best to convince him he shouldn't drive any more. My brother's car broke down and he needed another car so he asked dad if he could buy his. It meant that the car was away from dad and he could no longer drive it. He paid dad as soon as the house was sold. Again, my sisters were up in arms. One said they needed a new car but they had no money to pay for one. The other said she thought she could take driving lessons then drive dad round. She had no money either. So what was wrong with my brother buying it?

My brother went to see dad about 4 months ago and told him he had got engaged, then he let the rest of us know. A few weeks later, his fiancee's friends started asking about dates and dresses and other wedding things. Once again, my sisters were furious that she hadn't gone to them to talk about it and they hadn't told them they were planning to get married. Errrrm, isn't that the point of getting engaged? Also, we have only met her a few times so she's obviously going to talk to her friends before us.

We had a family meeting when we realised dad probably had Alzheimers and discussed what we might need to do in the future as it progressed. We talked about dad redoing his will and setting up power of attorney. My sister who lives next door to him and I were to be on this. A few weeks ago, I mentioned it again to be told they had already done it. Dad had to go in to hospital a few months ago and they were extremely annoyed at me because I told my brother. I'm now convinced that they don't tell me anything now either.

My dad keeps telling me he thinks it is wrong that my sisters don't talk to my brother and that they are refusing to go to the wedding which is in 4 weeks. They don't seem bothered by the fact it is upsetting dad.

Tonight my sister sent me a message saying that dad doesn't know who is coming to the wedding and if anyone needs to stay at his house. I have been discussing this with him over the last weeks. I understand that he forgets so I keep telling him. She was very annoyed with me about it but it's not my fault that dad can't remember. She also said he doesn't know how he is going to get there and back. That has already been sorted and he has been told every week I go to see him. My son and 2 of our cousins have offered to drive him but she was insisting I made definite arrangements at 10pm tonight with one person so dad knew who he was going with. When I said there were 3 people willing, she told me to forget it, my other sister (who isn't going) and her husband will drive him.

Very sorry for the long rant but I am very angry and upset over this and hoped writing it down might help.

stickywicket

I do hope that writing all this down has helped a bit, applerose. Family disputes are very debilitating and you really don't need this. A wedding is always a fraught prospect, even without 'added extras'. I think the only thing that might help is if all the sisters and brother sat down together to sort out their differences, each being given time to say his/her piece in a measured, non-accusatory way, in turn, with no-one allowed to interrupt. If everyone can remember that the main purpose is your father's well-being maybe that would help. I don't know.

mellman01

Its always over money in my family I have some very, very parasitic relatives, two cousins have been at each others throats over my aunties house for years and she' still alive and living in it on her own but that hasn't stopped them telling her they both want it when she goes, personally I'm disgusted with that mind set, my view is you should be able to make your own way in life, and so I don't rely on or expect to get anything given to me that way I wont be disappointed if its not, my mum was on about her savings etc recently and I told her not to worry about anyone else, after all its hers so she should spend it on herself if she needs something no point in scrimping simply to please the cuckoo's in the family.

tkachev

Your Sisters must be aware that your Dad cannot remember things and its not a case of no being informed. It sounds to me they just like to feel hard done by, until reminded (usually by you) that there is nothing sinster going on.

Borrowing money always can cause resentment especially if one sibling is treated differently from the others. However he paid it back as promised and by buying the car off of his Dad he saved you all advertising costs or a low trade-in price. It does sound like they resent your Brother a bit and are nit-picking for the sake of it. What good is not talking to him doing? Are they trying to push him away from his family. If so I hope he can rise above it.

It sounds like you are the voice of reason and are doing your best in difficult circumstances. Most families have the like-to-be-charge member who wants everything done their way (My eldest Brother was 'in charge' in our family)and they very rarely change because nobody challenges them. At least you are pointing things out ( such as your Siser should pay the passport money back if your Dad has an overdraft) and not being suppressed.

Just keep supporting your Brother and Dad and continue to be the voice of reason, leave them to be bitter.

Elizabeth

maria09

Dear me
Families huh!
Makes me glad I'm the only one!
Which does make it difficult as I'm the one how supports my mum and dad
It does seem to me as merman said its all money related which I never understand. Loving your family is more important than money and brownie points which it seems your sisters seem to be doing trying to score points against you and your brother
Has any of you got power of attorney over your father or is that further down the line? It seems your two sisters want control of your father over you and your brother maybe I'm wrong
Maybe you and your brother need to. Stick together I can't see what he's done wrong he's paid your dad back which seems to me be more than your two sister would
I hoping I've got it wrong as at the end of the day your dad should come first
Hope you get it sorted
Maria

barbara12

Oh Christine you really needed to get that out, and I am so glad you did..there is nothing worse that falling out with family...I have been there when my mum and dad were poorly, I have two brothers and the did very little....one was always after money....but I am so glad I didnt fall out with them, because you never know what is coming....I lost my eldest brother at 60...and we were such good friends right to the end.
You must feel like you are being torn apart in the middle of all this, you do what you think is right and you wont go far wrong...we are always here if you want to talk more....((((())))xx

applerose

Oh thank you so much for your replies. You are such a lovely bunch. After an almost sleepless night, I feel a bit better now. I don't feel I have done anything wrong and I feel that it is my sisters who have the problem, whatever it is.

Sticky, my brother has tried phoning them and texting them and he did turn up at dad's a few weeks ago with the intention of trying to sort things out but my sisters held their mobile phones over their faces and sat for 20 minutes showing each other pictures then they got up and walked out. They totally ignored everything not only that my brother was saying but also what my dad and I were saying. I have suggested they try talking it over but they say no way because my brother hasn't tried. :roll:

Mellman, that is awful of your cousins arguing over their mother's house like that. I'm totally with you about making your own way in life. I didn't expect anything when we lost mum and was over the moon when dad shared her jewellery out. I don't expect anything when dad goes either. I've always told them to spend their money on themselves and not on us. They did pay for the whole family to go and stay in a caravan 2 years running. Mum said they wanted to do it because it would probably be her last holiday and she wanted us all together. My sister's partner asked me a few months ago if I wanted to go on holiday with them, my other sister and my dad this year as they had just started talking about it. I said I would if they let me know how much it would be and I if could afford it. Next thing, dad told me that it was all paid for and asked what I would be doing for a holiday this year. They had let dad paid for it and hadn't included me.

Elizabeth, my sister who lives next door to dad does do a lot for him and she feels that she should be in total control. My other sister, I feel, goes along with that because it means she doesn't have to do much. I'm sure about that because carer sister's partner used to put on facebook every day that she had cooked dad's dinner, cut dad's grass, done dad's shopping. Other sister was angry about that and told them so. Carer sister's partner explained that she done all this so that we could sit and talk to dad rather than be out in the garden leaving him on his own when we visited. So suddenly they are the best of friends. Are they trying to push my brother away from the family? Yes probably. It does seem that way. I feel they just agree with dad when he says he can't remember when my brother has visited or if he can't remember getting the money back. Don't know what they will get from that though. I often don't say anything at the moment for 2 reasons. I don't want to cause any more upset for my brother just before his wedding and I don't want to cause any more upset to my dad by falling out with them. At the moment, I feel that once dad goes, they will get both barrels. But then, I might have calmed down by then.

Maria, I can see that being difficult having to do everything yourself. You are so right. Loving each other is so much more important than money or brownie points. When we had the family meeting a while back, we decided to encourage dad to let carer sister have power of attorney but I should too just in case she wasn't around (on holiday etc) but they organised it all and didn't tell me about it so I can't help him with his affairs. We also agreed that we would all be told about things like this, we would discuss everything and between us, make the best decision for dad. That's obviously not happening now.

Barbara, why do family have to be like that? I don't understand it. But like you say, even if they are like that, it isn't right to fall out with them. having said that, I feel at the moment that I don't want anything to do with my sisters. Never in my life thought I would say that and quite probably I'll get over it. So sorry about you losing your brother. I'm glad you were good friends.

Thanks again everyone for listening.

frogmorton

Oh Christine :roll:

Jealousy, resentment, anger, stubbornness, dual standards... blimey lass your family has it all going on.

I very nearly fell out with my bro you know when my Mum was ill (dying but we didn't know) because he wasn't pulling his weight and visiting her. I said bad things :oops: My dad had gone 4 years earlier and bro had been the favourite over my sis and I :roll: Being a 'boy'.

Maybe your Sisters think he was favoured??

Whatever the reasons, and I think I listed all the prime suspects at the start, your poor Dad is the main one suffering and he doesn't need it does he?

I suggest that you and your bro do what you think is right and fair. Go to the wedding and keep in touch with each other and your Dad. Your consciences are I think clear.

Please do have a moan to us lot - we are good listeners

and finally my bro has been to see me twice this week. Things can turn out ok in the end.

Love and huge ((()))

Toni xxx

applerose

Thank you Toni. You nearly fell out with your brother but you didn't. I've spoken to my brother about visiting dad etc but telling him what I think, not ignoring him. I can understand arguing or, like you, saying bad things but discuss and accept people are different. Maybe my brother was favoured? Hmmm, possibly.I don't think he actually was as mum and dad have helped all of us out and we have all helped mum and dad out at times. They praised us all equally. As far as I see it any way but I have heard them say, way in the past, that for mum and dad, he could do no wrong so you could be right there.

No, dad doesn't need it. He gets upset by it but, when I tell my sisters this, they just say hmmmm, I don't want to discuss it. This is how I feel and I'm not changing my mind.

That's great that your brother has been to see you. And twice in one week too. yes, things can turn round eventually. My sisters fell out once years ago. Didn't speak for 2 years. Unfortunately, it took one sister's son to die to get them talking again. And they have never remembered why they fell out.

maria09

Hi
I've never understood families and siblings falling out
I would have loved a brother or sister when I was little
My mum had a tough time and had a few miscarriages and a son born sleeping and told not to get pregnant again as she could be in danger herself but she ignored them and had me luckily she was ok
My mum and dad have been fantastic especially mum looking after my two cant say the same for the in laws but that's another story
I try to help mum and dad as much as I can but have health issues too
My mum had a serious stroke two years ago we nearly lost her but she survived but needs 24hr care at home
I always remember my dad saying he was spending my inheritance as they went to America every year for about 10 years I said spend it you never know what's going to happen in the future how true did that turn out to be
I don't understand why your sisters are acting like this
You care because you want to not because you think it looks good to the outsiders and boasting on Facebook what's that all about
I think you have a tough time ahead of you it seems you are piggy in the middle
Just hang in there and don't stoop to their level
Stay strong
Maria

tkachev

They seem very two-faced. They 'sorted' out your Dad's will and booked a family holiday without you despite talking to you before hand!!!!Yet they moan about your Brother (who they don't even speak to or include in any arrangements)not mentioning about his wedding.

They sound awful and intent on leaving you and your Brother out. I'm sure they will try and find something/ anything to try to spoil the wedding somehow. I think you just need to laugh at them or ignore them in future, leave them to stew over minor things and get their knickers in a twist.



Can't imagine you saying bad things to anyone Toni.

All the best Christine,
Elizabeth

applerose

Your mum certainly had a rough time Maria. Glad she was ok having you though. I don't understand people putting things like that on facebook either. The latest on FB are pictures of carer sister and her partner's garden which they have just regrassed and saying they still have dad's to do. And the sister who lives near me saying that she was glad to have been able to help mum before we lost her and how glad she is to be able to help dad. We all did a lot for them when mum was in and out of hospital but all she does now is visit on Saturdays most weeks (not every week) and once every 2 months, she shaves dad's hair for him. :roll: Thanks Maria, I now feel it is them who have the problem, not me.

Elizabeth, I did wonder if they would try and spoil the wedding in some small way, probably not anything big. My dad had said he wanted to stay for the afternoon reception but not the evening do. My sister told me he had decided he wanted to leave straight after the wedding now and my other sister will go and pick him up. She's also told me that dad might even decide not to go at all. Makes me wonder how much the are putting in to dad's mind. Thanks, I am feeling that I do need to laugh it off. It's difficult though when I know they are not telling me things I should know about dad and when I feel they are taking advantage of him as well as looking after him. And I don't want to fall out with them altogether as that would only upset dad more and I'd find out even less.

Hay ho, I guess that's families for you.

maria09

Hi
Your poor Dad
Those two need their heads banging together
Nothing short of bullying your dad it seems they have their own hidden agenda at a cost to your dad
How unfair they are
Grrrr they have got me mad
Maria

applerose

Thing is Maria, carer sister and her partner do look after dad as well and he thinks they can do no wrong so I feel that as long as he seems happy with them, that's the most important thing at the moment.

Got a message off her last night asking if I had told my brother that dad was thinking of not going to the wedding. Why else would he have phoned dad asking if he was still going?

Both sisters were as nice as ninepence today.

constable

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. And yes, you are the one that has done nothing wrong. Families eh. I know when my mum passed away me and my 2 brothers helped look after dad. It ended up being me and my hubby. The youngest could not accept that dad could not remember things, I was the one who made sure he payed his bills etc.

When my dad passed away, my other brother was only interested in getting the money. Both me and the youngest ended up paying for the cremation. The other brother was always on the phone or coming round to find out if the money had cleared. Would you believe, when all was clear he bought a house up north and we have not heard from him or his family since. As far as I am concerned he is the loser in this.

So, you stand your ground, you are dealing with it all well. Just remember you are doing the right thing and try and stay away from the pettiness, if you can. Just make sure your dad is well looked after and that your brother has a wedding to remember.

applerose

Thank you Karen. It does seem that I am not the only one to go through this sort of thing. I think it is very sad that people behave in this way. How awful of your brother moving away and not keeping in contact. I couldn't live with myself if I took money from my parents' estate and then disappeared. Especially, if I hadn't pulled my weight when they were alive. I think your brother is definitely the loser. Money isn't the meaning of life.

maria09

Hi Christine
Hope alls well
I just don't understand this money thing get most out of your parents and naff off! Looking back my uncle did this when my nan died
Never there when she needed him but was there for the house clearance
Where did that get him? Out of my life never had anything to do with him didn't invite him to my wedding and he died lonely but rich!
As you say money isn't really worth losing your family over
They just seems so much of it about
Money is tight but I'd rather that than know I have the love of my family than have money and no family may be it because I'm an only one and know what it's like not having siblings saying that my auntie has 9 children and they all get on they do argue but never fall out over who will get what they are like me telling my auntie to spend it while she can they don't want it!
While my other auntie for reasons I don't know has disowned one of her sons and her daughter so doesn't see her family from that side and only in the last 10 yrs and all when they were adults now in their 60s and she in her 80s
As I say I don't understand siblings!
I hope your brother has a good wedding and they don't spoil it
Could you speak to your Dad on his own or are they all around?
Maria

applerose

I'm with you there Maria. I'd rather have nothing but my family than be rich and lonely. House clearance? I'm absolutely dreading that when the time comes. Don't know how my brother feels about it but I'm quite prepared to let my sisters have everything. Dad lives in a rented house so no problems with that. I'd like the old photos but I know my sisters will want them so I'll be happy with copies. Dad has shared out mum's jewellery, which I don't think is worth anything moneywise, between all the girls in the family. As for any savings he might have, I'm not interested.

Dad got a letter from his bank today saying there were insufficient funds. He couldn't understand why he's overdrawn yet again. Carer sister said it was ok, the letter had crossed the money going in to the account. She has just bought her grandson a new big paddling pool, a slide/swing/seesaw set and a 4 man tent for him to play in. They've also just had the back garden done up. Neither her nor her partner work and they never have any money. Sister was talking about getting carers allowance, which I agree she should get but don't know how much it is. I could be getting it totally wrong but I don't know how to find out the truth. If I ask my sister to explain, that would be us finished. I can't speak to dad because he thinks the world of my sister and won't hear anything said against her. I can't get to see his accounts to see what's happening and dad just passes bank statements straight to my sister to sort out.
I'm sure my brother's wedding will be a good one. Our aunties and cousins are all coming so it would be difficult for my sisters to do anything to spoil it. Although, I'm sure they are turning dad against him as he said on Saturday that he's not bothered now whether he goes to the wedding or not.

maria09

Hi
It seems to me your sister is a bit of a scrounger she's now found a way of getting money from your father!
I hope she can live with herself once your dad is no longer around
What a horrible situation for you to be in
Try and keep strong
Maria

applerose

Yes, Maria, that's what I am worried about. My other sister is definitely a scrounger. She's not slow in telling people she needs things. Friends often come round with clothes they no longer want or bits of furniture they don't need any more. And 2 years ago, she kept telling dad they couldn't afford to get passports for going on holiday. He gave her the money. She told me a couple of weeks ago, it's still in her savings account and then on Saturday told me that they would never be able to afford to take her 14 year old daughter on holiday. She'd have to be content going herself when she's old enough. I just can't believe she's keeping that money when dad is overdrawn. I think she's probably spent it on something else. That's what makes me so angry when my sisters fell out with my brother for borrowing and paying back half that amount.

tkachev

It is always a danger when a parent becomes unwell and only one child (or two if they have the same agenda)has access to their account. You either have to all agree on outgoings or just walk away and accept it might happen and that you won't worry about it. It does seem possible that your Sister has paid for things with your Dad's money. You don't want your Dad to go without or incur lots of costs like overdraft that will worry him so your Sister, if she has taken things, is not really as caring as she makes out.

You could ask to see his bank statements as a concerned Daughter hoping to see where he is spending too much and to make sure that he is claiming everything he is entitled too. If they refuse then I would worry.

I'm surprised nobody has reported your Sister to the benefits office. Its the sort of thing neighbours would do if she suddenly acquired nice new things.

I never took anything from my parents house when they died. My siblings divided it all up but I never went and collected my pile. I have everything I want. Like Mellman said you make your own way in life.


Elizabeth

applerose

Thanks Elizabeth. I don't feel I can ask dad to show me the statements as he feels it is only my sister who can deal with them. I have tried asking to help with his paperwork when I'm on my own with him. He says no. That's my sister's job. If I ask my sister, she will feel I don't trust her and both sisters will turn even more against me. I think I'll just have to sit on it for a while longer. At least I get to know some things, rather than them keep absolutely everything from me.

I don't think my sister is cheating the benefits office, as such. She is entitled to benefits as she is my dad's full time carer. Although, I guess maybe it's not all for her.

maria09

Hi
Was just thinking there are 2 allowances one is a carers allowance one is an attendance allowance
My dad does not get any he's mums main carer but mum gets attendance allowance paid to her
Worth investigating
Maria

applerose

Thanks Maria. Even if I look in to what they can get, I'll be told they are handling it.

Just had a big argument with my sisters. My cousins and aunts are coming for my brothers wedding at the weekend and want us all to meet up on Friday as my sisters won't go to the wedding. I told my sisters and they jumped down my throat saying we can't all go to Dad's house. It'll be too much for him. I suggested meeting in my sister's house next door or in town. I got well we'll see, have to ask dad first to see what he thinks.

My 2 aunts are staying at dad's for 2 nights and their daughters are dropping them off before coming to mine but my sisters are saying that will be too much for dad. What are my cousins supposed to do? Open the car door, let them out then drive off?

They are saying dad wasn't asked if my aunts (my mum's sisters) could stay. He was. I've asked him every week for about 6 weeks if it's ok and 1 aunt phoned twice about it and the other aunt phoned once and my sister just said she's been talking to dad about it. It's because he can't remember being asked, not that he hasn't been asked.

I've been told dad is becoming very stressed because he keeps thinking everybody is staying at his so I suggested the 2 people who are staying should maybe get a hotel then he could relax. I got shouted at for that because it will confuse dad. Just wish my sister, who is dad's carer, had contacted my aunts and cousins to arrange things instead of using me as piggy-in-the-middle and letting the arrangements be made then complaining about it.

One sister even said she can't be *rsed with meeting up with them, if she goes, she goes. When I said ok I'll let them know, she said ok whatever.

Oh dear, reading this I think I sound like a silly schoolgirl. Just like them. Ne ne ne!

stickywicket

My mother-in-law had dementia. It's difficult dealing with the different stages of it but one thing that always stressed her was change. Even the prospect of visitors could produce stress as she didn't always remember them, or at least remember them clearly. The thought of overnight visitors really stressed her even when she knew them well. My teenage son remarked how, when he stayed overnight, she came downstairs to check the locks at least 10 times.

For my money, your Dad should simply have explained to him as much of the situation as he can take in and then asked if he'd like to have the named people visit him/stay over. If he doesn't want to meet them why stress him out over it? Just explain the situation to the visitors. Surely they'll understand.

CatLady1

Hi, I find families can be really petty when it comes to sorting things out for parents. Hope all goes well for you. You have done nothing wrong and you visit your Dad regularly. Take care