Family fall-outs

maria09

Hi Christine
My my can your sisters get any worse
My money is on the fact that they are the ones getting your dad upset and confused over all this
I feel they are hiding something and don't want anyone in the family to find out
I also feel they have realised how petty they are and can't get out of that situation stupid women its about time they grew up
You have done nothing wrong and don't start thinking you have
I won't say what I think of them,as I will get myself banned
Keep strong and have a great time at your brothers wedding
Martia

applerose

Very sorry for the rant last night. I have a lot going on at the moment and could have done without what happened so felt very angry.

Sticky, my dad doesn't like change either really but he does remember who my aunts and cousins are and he has said every time I see him that it's ok for my aunts to stay. He even said he wouldn't expect them to stay anywhere else. I realise that he might tell my sister who cares for him that he doesn't want them to stay but she should have spoken up and said she thought it was too much for him. She should have spoken to our relatives and told them. Instead she kept quiet till it had all been arranged and then started saying they shouldn't be staying there. I suggested she contacts them now and asks them to make alternative arrangements but she said no, just leave it. As for our get together, I asked her what she thought about us meeting up. She assumed everyone would go to dad's house and was annoyed with me about it. I suggested using her house or even meeting in town so that there were no extra people at dad's but she said no, we need to ask dad if he wants them at his. If the thought of them all arriving is too much for him, I don't think we need to involve him. Our relatives will definitely understand as my aunt looked after my gran who had severe dementia so they know what it's like.

Thank you Chris. I feel as if I have been piggy-in-the-middle passing messages between my cousins and my sisters while there was no reason my sisters couldn't tell my cousins how they felt.

Maria, I think you have hit the nail on the head. My children (adults), my brother and some friends who I've spoken to think it is actually the partner of the sister who looks after my dad who is causing problems. She never liked my brother and I feel she has manipulated my sister in to cutting my brother off. And now she keeps talking about how much trouble he has caused by getting married and agrees with my dad if he has a bad day and can't remember my brother visiting him when my brother has been. So I think you are right that they are causing upset by doing this. It would be better to be positive with dad instead of negative. I think they have used some of his money and are using his credit card when they shouldn't. I also agree that they have got themselves so far in to this, they can't back out now.

We will still have a good time at the wedding. The only people who will miss out are my sisters and their children. Everyone else is going so my sisters will look rather silly because of their absence.

My sister sent an email to carer sister this morning. Not sure if she didn't realise that I was included (as I was in the messages last night) or if she intended me to see it. She was telling carer sister that she was fuming because I had decided to go to dad's so I could guide my cousins to my my house where they are staying. Apparently, I shouldn't go to dad's as there will be too many people. She said she was angry because I had arranged for everyone to meet up at dad's. I only asked them what they thought about meeting up and where we should meet. I kept saying 'What do you think?'

Sorry, I've written an essay again. And thank you so much for listening.

maria09

Hi Christine
Just popped in to how its going
Hope you are ok
Maria

applerose

Hi Maria. Thank you so much for asking. Well I decided just to take a back seat and leave them to it. I was on F*ceb**k on the Thursday night and my sister had posted to my cousins that she thought we should all meet up at my house on the Friday evening. After my cousins had said that was fine with them, my sister then texted me to suggest it. :shock:

So anyway, that's what we did. The weather was warm and sunny so we sat in the garden till after dark and had a good laugh. My sisters were fine but, if they hadn't have been, they wouldn't have got to see our cousins and aunts.

The wedding was really good. Lovely service and very enjoyable reception which lasted all afternoon and on till nearly midnight. My sisters didn't go but we all had a great time. My sisters had arranged that one of them would pick dad up straight after the wedding itself but, when my cousin and I went to pick him up, he said there was no need for that. He would ask someone to bring him home when he was ready. (They had told me he'd said he would be embarrassed to do that.) He really enjoyed himself and it wasn't until early evening before he said he was tired and wanted to go. He even wandered off to the buffet table by himself and chatted with quite a few people he didn't know. There were a few pictures of him with a big proud smile looking at my brother.

On Monday, my sister put on F*ceb**k that she'd been over to see dad and he was very cheery and had said he'd really enjoyed the wedding. My brother left some cake with me for one sisterDidn't know how she'd react when I took it round but she accepted it and even said thank you. Some was left with dad for my other sister. Don't know what she said.

So we will see what happens next.

maria09

Hi
I'm so glad your Cinderella sisters ( I've christened them after the ones in the disney film naughty I know) didn't spoil the wedding for your brother and your dad I'm so glad your dad had such a good time and they kept away
They probably know they are in the wrong and didn't want to look like the baddies in front of all the family
I agree in taking a back seat just watch from a distance
Hope you are ok in yourself
Maria

tkachev

applerose wrote:

Thanks Elizabeth. I don't feel I can ask dad to show me the statements as he feels it is only my sister who can deal with them. I have tried asking to help with his paperwork when I'm on my own with him. He says no. That's my sister's job. If I ask my sister, she will feel I don't trust her and both sisters will turn even more against me. I think I'll just have to sit on it for a while longer. At least I get to know some things, rather than them keep absolutely everything from me.

I don't think my sister is cheating the benefits office, as such. She is entitled to benefits as she is my dad's full time carer. Although, I guess maybe it's not all for her.

Hi applerose. I don't think she is cheating benefits but when people acquire lots of new things like having the garden landscaped neighbours do start to talk and if anyone reported her she would have to say how she paid for it and it is 'likely' she would have to come clean that she got the money from your Dad or from whatever source it came from. I can't see any other way she paid for it and even if she used her savings the council would likely consider it DOC (depreciation of capital).

Right going to read the rest of your thread now.
E xxxx

Elizabeth

tkachev

Whoops sorry posted 3 times and out of time to delete.
no probs, duplicate posts deleted. Mod YEH :P

Anyway I am glad your Dad enjoyed himself at the wedding and nothing kicked off.

your Sisters really should make allowances for your Dads dementia and stop causing a big fuss when arrangements are made on his behalf as what else can you do? He can't make them for himself. They know he is likely to forget or get confused but they should deal with it all quietly behind the scenes without upsetting him. I can't help thinking they like a bit of drama as it gives them a chance to blame you and your Brother!

It is starting to look like the Sisters are doing everything they can to stop you finding out anything about your Dad's finances and putting words into his mouth for there own benefit (probably to make you and your Brother look like the bad ones which detracts from them). They are hoping to keep you both at arms length because they have things to hide.

so your Bother is causing trouble by getting married! Yet your Dad had a fantastic time at the wedding with the Sisters out of the way. Says it all really,

Hugs
Elizabeth xxxxx

tkachev

Thank you Mod,

Elizabeth

barbara12

Christine I am so sorry to read how things have got between you and your sisters..I read your early post but not the later ones...how awful that money is going missing.....how on earth can they live with themselves....thank goodness your dad doesn't own his home...gosh knows what your sister would get up to...anyhow your brothers wedding sounded lovely and what a shame they missed it....(I don't think) glad you enjoyed it ((((())))xx

applerose

Maria, Cinderella sisters. Yes, I'm ok thanks.

Elizabeth, I see what you mean. You never know who is watching, do you? Yes, I think we do need to be careful to keep things simple and calm for dad. I was told I was making a big thing out of nothing when I told dad it was up to him whether he went to the wedding/reception or evening do. They were the ones who were all oooh he doesn't want to go/it'll be too stressful for him/ it's best he comes straight home after the wedding and doesn't go to the reception. The look on my sister's face as we left dad's house showed she seemed terrified of letting him out of her sight. Our whole family (me, my son and his wife, aunts, cousins and their adult kids) was there to look after him. Not much could have gone wrong. I don't think it's only his finances they are hiding but also anything which is said at hospital/doctor appointments and anything about his condition we should know. When you say my brother is causing trouble by getting married, I really do believe that is how they look at it. As if he shouldn't do it because of all the upset it would cause. Well there was no trouble and no upset. Dad enjoyed looking after baby Ruby for a few minutes while we went to the buffet table, he enjoyed talking to the other kids, he enjoyed going for the buffet ON HIS OWN and talking to people he'd not met before. I think maybe he's a bit too mollycoddled. They took over cooking for him thinking they were helping but that just gave him even less to do. Couldn't trust him to cook now as he forgets he's doing it.

Barbara, I know. I couldn't live with my self if I took money. I'm pretty sure they will feel as if they have missed out as all the rest of the family are now talking to my brother's new wife on F*ceb**k saying how much they'd enjoyed the wedding and general chit chat and having a giggle. They won't like that.

Thanks everyone.

applerose

Got a message from my brother today. One of our cousins emailed his wife and said they couldn't believe how vindictive our sisters and niece were. They had obviously told my cousins their side of the story.

My cousin has told my brother and his wife (still seems strange saying that as he is 54 and hasn't been married before) that they are welcome to go and stay with her any time they want to. I feel a bit relieved that members of our extended family know the situation now although they won't get involved. I wouldn't expect them to.

applerose

Update. Dad has been receiving letters from the bank for a few weeks now saying that there are insufficient funds to pay several bills. Very strange as he had savings, has £200 going in every week and only spends £20 a week on bits and pieces. Last month, carer sister bought her grandson a garden swing set with swing, slide and seesaw, a 5 foot paddling pool (the 3 foot high sort) and a big trampoline with the safety net. Not bad considering she and her partner don't work.

My brother contacted the Power of Attorney office and asked them if anyone had power of attorney over my dad's affairs. He received a letter saying both sisters have it. My sisters didn't tell us about this. The POA office have also asked for more information because they want to investigate to see where the money has gone.

My other sister's 11 year old daughter had a stall at the school fete earlier this year. The head said it was ok for her to send the £50 she raised to the children's cancer ward. My sister gave me the money in exchange for a cheque as she was in the red with her bank. She didn't send it and told me last week that she'd ripped the cheque up and wanted the money back. I suggested giving her another cheque but she said her daughter wanted to phone the hospital and ask what she should buy them. If they don't want anything, they'll take the money to the hospital. My sister said she was worried that she would forget to post the cheque again.

While my sister went next door to carer sister's house, Dad said he wondered why my brother wasn't visiting. I said he wouldn't come on Saturdays as my sisters would ignore him. My sister walked in and said they weren't the reason my brother wasn't there. He just didn't wan to come. Oops, carer sister was out and other sister was standing outside listening.

Other sister put a post on facebook saying she was fuming because of family using her as an excuse. Guess she was talking about what I'd said. I think we are very close now to coming to blows. Just don't know how I will find out about dad's hospital appointments etc as dad doesn't seem to know why he goes or what is said.

frogmorton

Oh Christine

This is getting bad :shock: It is going to come to a head soon because the courts POA will be looking into expenditure :?

Your poor Dad

I am so sorry about all this. I wonder whether your brother would visit with you?? Maybe that would help a bit??

Love

Toni xxx

maria09

Oh my god Applerose
I'm totally and utterly disgusted how your two thieving sisters are behaving
I think its time to take things in to your own hands
You and your brother need to contest the power of attorney and get your father out of their claws
My god your poor father! Your brother needs to get his butt over to see him with you United You Stand!!
The money your thieving sister and niece gave you for the children's cancer ward you know why they want it back don't you! So they can use the money for their selfish selves so! Play them at their own game! Write the cheque and send it to the children's charity yourself or take it to the ward but don't give it back to her as the charity won't see a penny!
How can they live with themselves?
Maybe you need to put on Facebook about what they are doing or how about putting on Facebook that you have sent the children's cancer cheque for £50 on their behalf as if they say anything about it it will show their true colours!
You and your brother have to stop this now or your father will end up destitute and put into a nursing home! Which I think is their ulterior motive!
You don't have to answer this or you can PM me but does your father own his own house?
I know of an old lady near my parents who has Alzheimer's and is wandering about she has carers also has a son who doesn't care and won't put her in a home as he wants all the money when she's no longer on this earth rather than selling it so she can get the care she needs
People like this make my blood boil and your two sister are just the same
Grrrrr
Sorry for the rant PM me if you want a chat
Take care of yourself
Maria

numptynora

Oh dear, Applerose, although I've never been in your situation I do feel for you, Maria has talked a lot of sense there in that it's time for you and your brother to take things into your own hands, it's all very well standing back but there comes a point when someone has to stand up and fight for your dad, your sisters might fall out with you but at least you and your brother will know you acted for your dad and did what you both thought was right for HIM.

I've read all through this and my first instinct was that your sister(s) were stealing from your dads account they have no right to do that. IMO that's why there is so much animosity from them, it's just plain GUILT and afraid they will be found out!

Do take care of yourself, and with your brother by your side he will give you the strength that's needed

tkachev

I think we know your sisters agenda so I'm pleased a third party is now involved as you an tell them its nothing to do with you and out of your hands. They won't like it but at least you will know they do not really have your Dad's needs at heart and you might be given permission to take over POA which will be in your Fathers interests.

They are covering there trial with bullying a well known tactic.

I hope the benefit agency get involved but of course its not nice to be the one who reports them so hopefully it will follow on from the POA.

Elizabeth x

applerose

Thanks so very much everyone for your support. Unfortunately, there has been another twist. I have hoped to get my sisters and brother speaking again but my sisters have been resisting. One sister has been constantly sending me messages telling me to mind my own business. She has now told me that the real reason she doesn't want any contact with my brother is that he had abused her in some way when they were children. Well my brother was apparently 14 so my sister would be 8. She didn't say whether it was a one-off or if it happened a few times. She has also suggested that she might tell everyone if I don't back off.

If I tell my brother, he'll blow up with my sister. Has he done it? Has she made it up? Will my sister tell my dad? I did feel as if I was caught between a rock and a hard place, as they say, but now I feel as if there's also a concrete roof.

Also my dad actually abused me on and off from when I was around 9 or 10 until I was about 15. I have never been able to tell anyone because I didn't think anyone would believe me and because I knew it would blow my family apart. Because of what my sister told me, I have spent the last couple of days reliving it all. I had pushed it to the back of my mind but I feel I don't want to see or help my dad at the moment. God knows what I do now.

stickywicket

Christine I'm so sorry. Why not contact www.napac.org uk . They will listen in confidence. I hope it helps.

tkachev

oh dear Applerose this is a whole new dimension. if you can, pick up the phone and talk to someone in confidence.

as for your Sisters comments i cannot understand what you have to back off from. if its getting your siblings to be friends then by all means back off for the time being, however if she means from the POA then if they have nothing to hide then why are they so concerned? How you can find out if there is any truth in the accusations i really don't know because you will only know by confronting your brother and that will not be nice at all.

it is not the sort of allegation they should be making if there is no truth in it.

take care

Elizabeth

maria09

Oh dear Christine I'm so sorry that happened with your dad
This may sound cruel but do you think your sister is making it up about your brother just to blackmail you both to keep quiet abt their thieving from your father
(((( ))))
Maria

applerose

Thank you for that link Sticky. I might just give them a ring. I have spoken to councillors before and it does help.

Elizabeth and Maria, my sisters don't know that my brother found out about the POA so it's only that they don't want me to keep trying to get them to talk now. I think it would be pretty sick to make up something like that but I do wonder if what happened between my sister and brother might have been little kids playing doctors and nurses and maybe happened when they were quite a bit younger. I don't know.

I've had several messages a day for the last few days now from my sister telling me she's p*ssed off with me for telling my dad that my brother doesn't visit because of her. Not quite true. I said he doesn't come on a Saturday because of the atmosphere between them. She's told me it's none of my business so I told her that what is my business is when dad keeps asking me why they don't talk.

Yesterday, I walked home from work, crossed over near the bus stop just as I have done almost every week day for 19 years. My sister was talking to one of her friends so I said hello and kept walking. When I checked my messages later, there was one from my sister saying, 'She just passed me at the bus stop and said hello. I was talking to someone. She deliberately crossed the road to do it.' I replied saying did she mean the message for someone else. The reply - it wasn't about you. It was about the girl I was talking to but I can see why you thought it was about you.' :roll:

She has decided that instead of going every other Saturday, she'll only miss an odd Saturday so my brother can go. She apparently won't have any regrets. Problem is, will she let my brother know when she's not going or will he have to guess when she's not there? :?

maria09

Dear me
I really think your 2sisters need their heads banging together and made to see sense
Any news on the investigation on where his money has gone?
Have you sent the cheque to the children's cancer ward?
You can PM me if you don't want to discuss that on here
Keep strong
Maria

applerose

Hi Maria. We need proof before they will investigate. My brother knows someone who did a credit search and found my sisters are both in 1000s of pounds in debt. He's also seen a mini statement of dad's post office account. Almost all of that has gone. Problem is we can't use any of that as proof as we shouldn't know about them. Whenever I try talking to dad, he just says it's ok, my sister is dealing with it and she knows what she's doing. When I've approached my sister, she says it's all ok and being taken care of. I've told dad's bank so they know but can't do anything without dad talking to them which he doesn't want to be bothered with.

I gave my sister the charity money in a sealed envelope with my niece's name on the front as they wouldn't tell me which charity it was meant for. I'll ask my niece later what she bought with it.

I was the only one who visited dad last week. Carer sister said she had shopping to do in town. Other sister said she was busy doing something with the kids. That night, there were pictures of them all having a bbq at other sister's house. :roll:

I didn't go yesterday. I've not been too well for a few days and really couldn't face going.

barbara12

Christine I am so sorry I have only just seen your update...this must be so stressful for you...its awful how family can be like this...I went through a period with my brother many years ago ..very similar involving my dad...I just hope things can get sorted..please look after yourself in all this xx

maria09

Hi
I agree with Barbara
Maybe its best to leave them to get on with it!
Thick as thieves springs to mind
Take very good care of yourself
Maria x