More trauma to deal with and in so much pain

dibdab

Hi there,

Just wanted to say a mega "well done" to the offspring- youngsters are so resilient, but they obviously have an a mazing mum too!

Hope today is an okay one- keep strong, the evil man isn't worth your head space!

Deb xx

hileena111

Hi Ouch
Sorry I'm just getting online now
I've read through your post and the replies.....I've got nothing to add except sending you lots more (((((()))))))
Fantastic news about the children's results...you must be so proud of them

Love
Hileena

DebbieT

That's great news about their results Congratulations to you all.xxx

kentishlady

So lovely to hear the great exam result news. Well done to all of them. Am sure you must be so thrilled. Hope things have now taken a turn for the better for you, Ouch. Take care. Beryl

maria09

Hi Ouch
Congratulations to your daughter and son I bet you are very proud of them
Maria

ouchpotato

I'm sure people underestimate the power of support from forums such as this (although I have been on others in the past and they are truly awful, just an excuse to batter each other verbally). Your words really do mean a heck of a lot, so thankyou each and every one of you.

Yes, I am very proud of the children, although I do tend to think they have done well despite me instead of because of me! I've made some monumentally bad choices in life, and the children have been disrupted/affected by every single one.

My sister is home from Oz, so myself and the children drove over to see her at my mum's yesterday. It was lovely to see her, we are very close. She should be coming to stay with me for a few days soon which I will look forward to very much. She is dividing her time between here and Cuba, so I'm sure she will have plenty of stories to tell.

After my rheumatology apt I decided to go on a healthy eating plan, and the scales this morning tell me I have lost exactly one stone! I've never managed to lose weight by myself before without the help of a slimming group/ritual embarrassment of a weekly weigh in, but this time I am following the slimming world plan but without going to group. I am so chuffed. I have a long way to go yet, but it's a good start.

here's hoping for a quiet, stress free and pain free weekend for us all

x

barbara12

Hello Ouch
Of course some of its down to you that your son and daughter have done so well...you should be proud of yourself has well...
How lovely your sister is over....the distraction will do you good...have a lovely time...(((()))xx

Toots

ouchpotato wrote:

After my rheumatology apt I decided to go on a healthy eating plan, and the scales this morning tell me I have lost exactly one stone! I've never managed to lose weight by myself before without the help of a slimming group/ritual embarrassment of a weekly weigh in, but this time I am following the slimming world plan but without going to group. I am so chuffed. I have a long way to go yet, but it's a good start.

Congratulations ouch! Very well done x

kentishlady

Well done Ouch. That is fantastic. You now have 3 reasons to celebrate plus having your sister around too. Hope you have a good time with her.

Beryl

applerose

Oh Ouch, I have only just found this. What a very terrible time you are still having. I would let him take me to court. There's no way they will allow him to take everything. You are holding up so well. Big congratulations to your children on their results. They wouldn't have done it if they didn't have such a strong and caring mum. Enjoy having your sister staying. And don't forget, we are all here if you need to talk. (((hugs)))

stickywicket

I'm sorry I missed this earlier, ouch. Your children have done extremely well. You must, rightly, be very proud of them. Don't play down your own part though. You must have got something very right. Why not ask your children?

maria09

Hi Ouch
How are you getting on
Hope you are ok
Maria

destiny0321

dear ouch.
what a fantastic family you all are.congratulations go to your children & you
for the way you have bought them up.yes you may have made mistakes & i bet half the people onhere have including me.
the thing is you are better than him & he knows it.
he had his chance to get his stuff he did not twice so no more times when he can get it i am so glad your sister as arrived to join in all the celabrations,
keep your chin up & hope every thing goes right for you all soon. god bless.xxxx

ouchpotato

Hello everyone.

I didn't realise there were more posts on here or I would have replied sooner.

So, it seems the saga has come to an end of sorts. The solicitor didn't reply to my letter, but then Saturday morning HE turned up, tools in hand, to collect his stuff. Apparently his solicitor should have sent me a letter; I do believe it was the solicitor's fault as he was as shocked as I was to realise this was out of the blue.

Anyway, after much arguing on the doorstep I thought what the hell, and told him to get his stuff and get out of my life. He started to take stuff, then broke down in tears, saying I was the love of his life etc etc and couldn't we give it another go! As he is emptying my house of furniture I hasten to add. I told him firmly no, that I didn't trust him, he is underhand and sly and I couldn't be with someone like him. After more tears he took only the things he needed and left me with most of my house still intact, and I made him sign a letter saying he had no further claim to any of the things in my house or the things I have already sold (he wanted to clear the house and then take me to court for the things I sold).

So, that's that.

Hopefully that's an end to that.

My sister's visit isn't going exactly to plan. To cut a very long story short, my mum is a very difficult woman who lives every day suspecting everyone of foul play and underhandedness. My mum and sister were supposed to be coming up on Saturday to visit. My dog managed to pick up fleas, so I text my mum to say she might want to postpone because of it. She got a bit snippy about it, but then when I told her HE had turned up on Saturday morning she put 2 and 2 together and came up with a million and three...in her paranoia riddled mind I had made up the fleas so that she wouldn't come up so that I could see HIM when he arrived Saturday!!! Like I would cancel seeing my sister for him. I am in touch with my sister every day, but she is too scared to tell my mum because she will immediately think that we are talking about her so when mum asks has she heard from me my sister says no. Which then adds fuel to the fire and gives her more ammunition to throw at me because I'm not 'bothering' with my sister! It's a throwback to our childhood, I have no idea how we survived. I'm 44 and my sister is 53, and yet we are still walking on eggshells.

Ah well, at least life is never dull.

x

dibdab

Hi Ouch,

So pleased to hear that his visit was relatively safe-and well done for being so strong, you are an amazing lady!!!!

Maybe all those years of a difficult mum have given you some of that resilience you are relying on now?

Maybe just keep talking to your sister who understands, and keep visits to mum to a minimum for a while to give you some headspace.

Take care. {{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}

Deb

ouchpotato

Deb, thanks but I'm really not. It's my kids who have the strength, and keep me on the straight and narrow!

I'll be keeping my visits very sparse for quite a while, believe me. The last time we went down my mum's behaviour was so bizarre and embarrassing that I don't think I can put myself or the children through it again. She went on holiday with my brother and his family a year ago, and has been complaining about it ever since. How badly she was treated etc. Then on our last visit it emerged that she had called my sister in law a s**g!!!! Bear in mind that my mother is 81.
I was aghast, and so were the children, but then, after a glass or 2 of wine, she started ranting on (pretending to be drunk...she really wasn't) asking who should she call a s**g next...me, my sister or my DAUGHTER (she's 18). Then every time one of us spoke she would roar laughing and shout s**g!!! This was in front of all 3 of my kids, who are 18, 16 and 9. I was driving and on cocodamol so wouldn't drink at all, and then she started getting quite nasty, asking me why I was so boring etc! THIS is the mother I grew up with. So it's no wonder I get into relationships where I put up with abuse for too long...I've been conditioned to it! When I saw her the time before, after quite a long spell of not seeing her, the first thing she said was 'you look like you've given up on your appearance'...I was wearing a beautiful maxi dress at the time, make up, hair up...nasty nasty behaviour.

I don't need it, any of it. I am flaring at the moment, not sure if it's the change in weather or not, but the pain in my back and hips is excruciating.

Why is life never simple?

stickywicket

Ouchpotato, if your mother is 81 different rules apply. She may well have been drunk in that the alcohol might have been reacting with any medication she could be on. In any case old people can often just lose all their former inhibitions. It can be embarrassing and/or amusing but it's not necessarily something that's under their control. If this behavious is very out of character it might be worth a trip to the GP to have her checked over.

ouchpotato

She's not on any meds at all, and getting her to the dr would be next to impossible.

She's always been like this, my sister called me in tears yesterday asking how we ever survived our childhoods. My sister is 53 and is still petrified of my mum. I can remember when I was only about 7 I saved my pocket money to buy her an African violet plant in a little wicker basket for her birthday. I watered it and nurtured it until her birthday. But I got the day wrong, and when I gave it to her she flung it against the wall, breaking the basket and destroying the flowers.
When my daughter said in passing that she wanted to do the family tree my mum called her a moron.

She's fully in control of what she's doing, she has all her faculties intact. She walks for miles given the chance and could be mistaken for being 20 years younger than she is.

dreamdaisy

Is she still taking the meds she was given for the ulcer? We all remember your struggle in getting her to the doctors etc but at least that problem was easily sorted. You've got rid of him, maybe it's time to shed her from your life too, after all there is no guarantee that parents and children will love each other.

One of the few pearls of wisdom that my Ma passed on to me was that as we age our poorer characteristics come to the fore more readily and your mum seems to be proof of that. I wonder what her childhood was like? Maybe she is repeating a pattern of behaviour that she witnessed from her mother. DD

stickywicket

I remember now that you did have a very tough time with her before when she was very ill and wouldn't see a doc. I based my earlier reply partly on my own mother who, after a lifetime of never using any swear words plus having a deep respect for priests and nuns, used, in her later years, to greet both with the words "My back's a b*gg*r". I have since heard that it's quite common for older people to lose former inhibitions and I think DD's Mum's analysis is a good one. I do find that 'a glass or two of wine' loosens my own tongue :oops: though, happily, not to the extent that I verbally abuse my guests or hosts.

I would suggest that you only tell her things on a 'need to know' basis ie telling her of the dog having fleas was maybe a kind thought whereas telling her your ex was coming over was possibly unwise. Don't give her any ammunition to shoot you with

I apologise for having missed your previous post. Many congratulations on standing up to your ex and dealing with him so well and with such strength despite his emotional blackmail. I do hope that will be the last you see or hear from him.

ouchpotato

DD, no, after all the heartache and stress of getting her to hospital, and finally getting the vomiting and pain to stop, she took the meds they gave her at the hospital and then when they ran out just didn't bother going to her own GP for a repeat. Neither has she gone for the ultrasound scan they recommended. I despair.

She is an Irish Catholic, born and raised in Ireland and there is a lot of mystery surrounding her childhood and family (hence her reaction to my daughter's comment about building a family tree). But no matter how many excuses I can make, the fact remains that she's actually not a very nice person.

Sticky, I will definitely be holding out on giving her info from now on, she's never given me support so I don't know why I am still looking for it!

petals

Hi ouch,

I hope you are ok today,

It sounds like both you and your sister should cut your mum out of your lives. She has spoiled your childhood and she is trying to do the same in your adult life.

You have cut your abusive partners out of your life and now you are standing on your own two feet, please do not allow your mother to undermine all you have achieved.

Invite your sister to visit you without your mother, it sounds like you have a strong bond there. Lean towards the people who support you and stay clear of those who would inflict hurt, emotional or physical.

Congratulations on your recent weight loss by the way, I am jealous lol

Petals x

tkachev

First of all congratulations on being such a lovely Mum despite having so much rubbish thrown at you. The children are lucky to have you.

Secondly keep all the letters from the solicitors and the text where he said you should keep things. He may look for more ways to get at you in the future and it is good to be prepared for this just incase. However I can see that you didn't want any hassle. No solicitor should think it okay to empty the house of furniture where children are involved.

I'm surprised the police wanted you to drop the charge for assault.
I think you should keep a record of conversations with the police for future reference. Be sure your ex wouldn't drop any charges against you if he had the opportunity.

I had a bad breakup but a lot of good did come out of it. My Mother didn't support me either and made things difficult for me so I decided to ignore anything and everything she said that was negative. We ended up good friends because there were no more fights but I had to bite my tongue.

Elizabeth

bubbadog

Ouch, your mother reminds me of 'the sperm donor' (my f*****) don't call him the 'f' word because he doesn't deserve it! I have been estranged from him for 7yrs now after a massive argument that left me in tears and caused me to have a seizure. Since then we haven't spoke. He was always a hard man who went from being kind and sweet to being very evil and cruel on the turn of a coin. But I couldn't deal with his nastiness anymore my health came 1st and we had been so good to him, my OH had fixed broken things for him, put adaptations in to his flat for him free of charge he would have had to pay for and gone on errands for him. As well as looking after me.
You have to think of yourself, your health comes 1st. It sounds like you still love your mother after all she has put you & your sister through, but I believe there's a breaking point in everyone. Once it's been broken then you have to shut them out of your life before it breaks you. You've had the courage to do that with your ex now you need to de-side if it's best for you to do the same with your mother. You and your sister are very close, like me and my sister. So you will still have each other. Talk to your sister.

thistlegirl

ouch,
I am glad things with your ex seem to have been resolved. It is now time to look after you and your kids. Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves and you deserve some time to recharge and fight Arthur properly.

I hope you feel better soon, I prescribe many bubble baths and putting your feet up, I know your kids will help you.

Thistle