The weekend from hell

ouchpotato

Hi all

Well, this weekend has opened my eyes to whole new levels of pain. You might remember the problems I had when my mum got ill last year and I had to take her to A&E? Well, it happened again, same thing. I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend at home, and Saturday mid morning my mum called, in a state, asking me if I could drive over as she was really unwell. Of course I agreed, even though it is a 50 mile drive and driving aggravates the pain in my hip and back. I dropped my son off at his Dad's on the way and went to mum's with my youngest daughter, who is 9. When we got there she was worse than I thought, very ill, had been vomiting for days and dehydrated. So I got angry with her and again threatened her with an ambulance if she didn't let me take her to hospital (I had been through the exact same scenario the last time). In the end she agreed, and I got her into my car and drove the 2 miles to the hospital. But inside she went really faint and sick, and I couldn't move her, until a doctor came along and took one look at her, put her in a wheelchair and rushed us to A&E. There they put her on a trolley and I thought she was having a seizure...she shook so much and was ice cold. It was all very scary, but to cut a long story short they admitted her, and I finally left her there at 11pm. My ex dropped my son off at the hospital.
I had the keys to her house but after sitting at the hospital for so long I was in a lot of pain and decided to drive the 50 miles home so I could take my painkillers and amitriptyline, and would have to drive back the next day.
But by the time I got to the car I was barely able to walk, my son had to hold me up. The pain in my hip and thigh was excruciating, and driving was horrendous, I was almost delirious with pain and all I wanted to do was get home. So we set off, with my son chatting to try and take my mind off the pain. But by that time I was so ill with the pain that I couldn't think straight, and missed the turn off...we got stuck on the motorway going the wrong way, and the more I tried to rectify the mistake the further away we got from home...we are in the East Midlands and believe it or not we ended up at the edge of South Wales!!! Then, when I was at my wit's end I got blue flashing lights in my rear view and I got pulled over by the police for having a rear light out!
We finally got back to my mum's house (2 miles from where we had set off from) at 4am, 250 miles later!!! No painkillers. I wanted to saw my leg off.
Now, I know it was an epic disaster, and I am useless at directions but believe me, given the stress I was under, and the pain levels I never knew existed, once we got stuck on the wrong motorway it just snowballed.
So, I had no sleep due to pain, and got up a few hours later to my brother texting me to tell me he couldn't help (he lives 5 miles from mum) as he had a cold and a bad back!!!! I didn't trust myself to reply.
So after all that, you know what was wrong with her? Constipation! She has convinced herself that tap water is unsafe, so she doesn't take enough fluids, and also takes ibuprofen despite being told she may have an ulcer the last time, and despite me telling her the only pain relief she can safely take is paracetamol. They wouldn't discharge her to her own place as she lives alone, so she is staying with me, and has had me close to tears with her comments, such as I need to lose weight, and that the rash on my face (inflammatory and linked, apparently, to the arthritis) is horrible, and...in her own words..."what has happened to my beautiful daughter"? I mean, what the ****? She has also been going around my house, cleaning and even lifting the toilet seat to see if it was clean! She threw my mint tea bags out as she said they were mouldy and green...they were MINT for God's sake! She has put household rubbish in the recycling bin despite me telling her not to, told my youngest off repeatedly, telling her not to be stroking the dog as it would make her ill (we've had him 7 years and no one has been ill from him yet!!!), making her go and blitz her bedroom as it was untidy...she forgets that this is the same little girl who sat at her bedside for NINE hours on Saturday, handing her tissues to wipe her mouth after being sick. I'm SO cross and hurt. The whole thing has made me really quite ill, I am still in pain, and now she wants me to take her into town tomorrow so she can go shopping, where she will buy cleaning stuff for my house as it apparently isn't good enough for her as it is!

And....breathe....

I'm so sorry, that turned into a mega rant. It has actually made me question whether I should be driving or not - if it causes that level of pain then it's possibly something I should consider.

Anyway, I feel a tiny bit better for getting that off my chest. I am off to bed now, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, although with mum here I am sure my stress levels will stay sky high!

Take care all

x

petals

Oh my goodness, what a terrible time you have had.

What ever you do, don't go into town tomorrow, you will only agrivate your hip and thigh. If your mum wants to clean, then let her get on with it but don't join in. (Send her round to my place, I could do with a free cleaner lol)

I would imagine that if your mum is fit enough to go into town shopping and cleaning and emptying bins, then she is probably fit enough to go home on the train or on the bus!

I really don't think you are in any state to be driving her home after the nightmare you have just had.

Do you think she is deliberately making herself poorly to get your attention, just a thought.

You have my sympathy, good luck

Petals x

dreamdaisy

I hope you feel better in yourself for getting all that down - a dreadful time indeed. This, however, is sounding very familiar, yes? Yet again she has you where she wants you, dancing to her tune but if you choose to continue dancing then at the very least keep a supply of tablets in the car (and perhaps invest in a second-hand satnav?). Your brother is behaving in a typically male way but regarding your mum might there be some form of mental health issue going on? That could go some way to explaining the bizarre thoughts and very selfish behaviour.

It's not easy standing one's ground with a demanding parent but, from what you have told us before, she is not a 'parent', rather she's a calculating and manipulative bully. Hopefully your delicate little flower of a brother will come and get her or if not then maybe all siblings can share the cost of a taxi to ferry her home. You need some recovery time - make sure you get it, OK? DD

ouchpotato

Hi DD, I do feel a bit better for getting it all down, and sorry it was so long...I didn't realise until I looked back on it after posting.
It is all very familiar, yes. But what can you do when your mother calls, crying and asking for help? But what did strike me as very very odd, and maybe I'm being unsympathetic here, was that in the hospital she was sticking her fingers down her throat to make herself sick whilst making sure the nurses weren't looking. Now maybe she needed to do that to try and rid herself of the nausea, I don't know. But....?
I don't resent going to her, or taking her to hospital, but I resent the fact that she is making comments now, and is suddenly well enough to clean, and want to go shopping (she is never mindful of the fact that in order to go shopping I will have to drive, and then walk around town, and then drive home and I am still suffering from the weekend).

Petals, it has crossed my mind several times that she is doing this to get attention. The last time she did it was when my sister was going to home to Oz suddenly as her son was ill, and mum 'took ill' at the airport and had to be taken home by my sister's friend, leaving my sister alone at the airport. Also, as I said above, I caught her sticking her fingers down her throat in order to make herself sick.
As for mental health issues...I have thought for many years that she may have a personality disorder, definitely narcissistic, suffers depression (but won't admit that).

Finally, despite being at 'death's door', when the nurses came around to change the bedding she helped them do it!!! And when she was discharged, while I was standing there waiting to go, she stripped the bed, folded all the blankets, and left it all looking neat for the nurses!!!

jillyb1

Afraid all I can say is that she truly doesn't deserve such a patient , loving daughter .
Jillyb

bubbadog

Oh Ouch, You don't deserve all this, your mother must realise you have already been put through the ringer with the recent other family trauma. To be honest what your mother is doing to you sounds like what I went through with my F***** I don't call him that anymore because he doesn't deserve the title. He was sick so my OH,I and his partner helped him for weeks with whatever needed doing, my OH & I & his partner went to his house everyday for 3 months till he was well enough to cope doing most things and his partner could deal with others. Then he went back to being his rude, atrocious self. Until one day he pushed me to far, I haven't spoke to him for 3+ years now. Because you went to her when she called she thinks she has you round her little finger, I'm afraid until you stand up to her and say enough is enough she will carry on using you and getting away with being poisonous words. I know she is your mother but I would have her on the 1st train home and don't listen if she starts saying 'she's to ill and needs help' because like others have said if she was ill she wouldn't beable to go into town or clean your house! Remember you are very poorly more so than your mother and you need to get a lot of rest and no stress. If she was a good mother she would be caring for you!!

marrianne

Ouch .Terrible time for you no wonder your feeling so rotten ,She definately needs her marching orders ,if she has O C D .. and it does sound like it re the obsessive cleaning it shouldnt stop her from loving and careing for you and her grandchildren ,I fummed about her all arounf T ....O Thinking about the way she continues to treat you .Stand firm Ouch make her go home as soon as possible you have to care for yourself now ,I would fill her bottles with water from the tap if I got the chance ,Tell her yes you do love her and you are just a phone call away but she is driving you round the bend ,And I bet your brother can do no wrong in her eyes which is usualy the case hugs to you Ouch ,I hope your sister and famly are copeing to I have been thinking about them all ((((()))))Marrianne

stickywicket

You've been here before, ouch. And you'll be here again if she keeps getting her own way.

I don't know whether your brother is just being a typical bloke or whether he has her sussed and is not going to pander to her whims. That's neither here nor there.

At the risk of sounding a real hard-nosed 'female dog', next time give her the number of her local out-of-hours surgery and tell her to call them. Or an ambulance if she's bad enough. You going over there isn't an option and the sooner she realises that the better.

If nothing else will convince you then think of what you're teaching your children by kowtowing to her like this. Do you really want them, in a few years' time, to believe it's OK to drive when falling asleep and out of your mind with pain? Do you want them always to put their mother's needs before their own? Do you want them to give in to emotional bullies or be strong enough to fight their corner? If you can't stand up to her for your own sake, ouch, then do it for the sake of your kids.

It doesn't matter what she wants tomorrow. What do you want? Do it.

dibdab

You really sound like your mum is giving you serious grief again......... it's so unfair and unnecessary, but I'm glad you could pour it all out- sometimes we need to write it down and reread it to realise just how atrociously badly folks are treating us.

For what it's worth I'm with the others in saying she needs to go home and your brother needs to step up and do his bit too!! Also it really does sound like your mum needs some counselling or similar to help her understand how her own issues are affecting those around her. I wonder if there's any mileage in you speaking to her GP about your concerns re making herself ill deliberately? There's that psychiatric disorder called Munchhausens (not sure I spelt it right) where people present with imaginery images to get attention.

Please try to find the courage to stand up for yourself and your children-I know your mum needs help, but you are surely coping with more than your share with your own health issues- maybe mum and your brother need to hear very honestly how unwell you are and how you struggle to drive etc-it doesn't make comfortable hearing but perhaps they both need a wake up call!

I really hope things get better for you soon. There's a lovely welsh expression my OH taught me for tough times, it's "dal dy dir" and means stand your ground- I sometimes have to recite it quietly to myself when others make unreasonable demands- maybe it needs to become your anthem too?

Take care

Deb xx {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thistlegirl

Oh Ouch, She has done it again hasn't she. I am with everyone else who has commented. She needs help but not from you. I really think you need to get mental health/ her GP involved. It won't be a magic cure but if anything it will make them aware of her history so when something like this happens again the doctors may treat her differently.

Truthfully, and sorry very bluntly, I don't understand how you can keep letting her into your life when she has behaved so terribly. You have taken yourself and your children away from really unpleasant people in the past yet she keeps getting in?

Could you email your brother if talking to him doesn't work, sometimes people need things written down in front of them before they will pay attention. You going through that night has knocked your health for the next week at least. Is he going to step up and help you when your mum has made you so sick that you can't look after your children?

Please be strong, I know when you feel so unwell it is so hard to find the energy but think about the long term.

You deserve lots of hugs and I hope you are getting them, here are some extra. (((((()))))

Sorry Ouch if I was too blunt?

Jenny

Boomer13

Dear ouch,

That is a terrible situation. Sending you (()) and my sympathies. I hope you can make your family understand how dangerous it is for you to try and drive to rescue your mum when you are feeling like this. I no longer venture out in the evenings without someone else because I don't feel safe with medications and pain levels.

One of your other family members needs to help you sort this out; it can't be all on you (Sorry, I don't recall how many sibs you have and if they are uncooperative or not) I don't remember how old your mum is but mine (who is normally lovely) developed some unreasonable thinking patterns long before her diagnosis of Alzheimer's. By the time she was diagnosed it was completely obvious to all of us that she had a disease-process going on. Perhaps a doc's help? I recently learned there are professional "Geri-psychologist's" to help older people. I think you've said previously that she's been as she is for a long time ? So maybe this would be of no help.

I know offering suggestions can only be so helpful, so please ignore if these are not useful for you.

Take care of yourself, that was my main point

barbara12

ouch..my god that was awful..Im afraid this has to come to an end...how on earth you can keep up what you are doing is beyond me...Im with SW give your mother your brothers number ..its never easy when its your parents .I do hope your mum will take care of herself more...and save you all this..Im just glad you manged to get all this out...now take care of yourself...xx

ouchpotato

Hi everyone, and sorry for the late reply.

Today I felt sorry for her (yes...I know), and couldn't send her home. She really has been very sick, whether psychosomatic or otherwise, and is pretty weak on her feet so I sat with her and listened to her. She decided that because it was a sunny day she would benefit from walking around the shops. I really didn't want to go as I am still recovering, but I also felt like I needed a change of scenery and figured if the fresh air perked her up she might feel well enough to go home. I advised her against it but she wanted to go so I compromised, and took her to a small shopping centre 15 mins away rather than the actual big town centre. She wanted to go to M&S, but that is at an out of town shopping centre, but she still asked could we stop there on the way home. anyway, it didn't come to that as we'd been in town for 10 minutes when she went very pale and had to sit down. Then there was a frantic rush to the toilets where she had really bad diarrhoea, with me standing outside for 20 minutes.
I refused to stop at M&S, and drove her straight home again. Another wasted, pointless day.
My battery is about to go so I will try and answer everyone's posts tomorrow, but needless to say I don't think she will be going home tomorrow either, and on Thursday I have my youngest's school assembly and my son's 6th form parent's evening...I can only hope she doesn't ask to come as I can just see her 'taking ill' again and spoiling it. But by the same token I can't just send her home with her still being clearly unwell. I might be being soft, and a wuss, but that's just the way I am.

Right, laptop is shouting at me so I will say goodnight, and try and be more sociable tomorrow.

Night all xx

Fionabee

Oh poor you, I really empathise on so many levels.
Apart from being stuck with Mum dor the moment, I think you have to stand firm, no more "outings" for the moment, if she wants fresh air then she takes a little stroll from your home. She needs a couple of non eventful days with no episodes of diarrhoea before doing more.
You have to be firm and non negociable. (Like I struggle to be :0) )
You need to look at your priorities and your children and your good health should be at the top, of course you have a responsibility towards your Mum, but you live far enough away for brother to be her first port of call. Could you have a family meet about the Mum situation?
I've missed my turning off the motorway on the journey from York to B'ham, in the dark, pouring rain & poor visibility. Have made the journey numerous times, I can get there fine, but hate the return.
My Mum is a very good 76, has lived alone for 30ish yrs now & not having to compromise, consider or share has turned her into a bit of a monster at times. she is opinionated, bigotted, snobbish and feels the need to speak her mind and say just what she thinks. She can also be very kind & generous, often when she realises she has gone too far, but she NEVER says sorry for anything. This year, I have decided for my own sanity, to leave the past where it is, box it up and put it away and move forward. But if I'm hurt, it lingers, so this has been difficult. She is visiting today for 3 nights and I am full of trepidation, 53 and I am still seeking her approval.
We lived 130 miles from my in-laws, their daughter lived in the next village, she lived at hime till her mid 30 & her parents waited on her hand & foot, my husband had left home at 18 for university & never libed at home again altho he visited regularly. First F in L died & several yrs later M in law developed vascular dementia and was cared for in a lovely nursing home in Garstang. The whole situation was made terrible, sister in law constantly said we did nothing and did not help, but she would not discus things with us or divy up what needed doing, who needed seeing, we would arrive to meet with her and she wouldn't be there, her phone would be turned off. I saw what it did to my husband who is a good kind man. Since M in L's funeral we have had no contact, it was a wretched situation.
This is meant to be about you not me, sometimes its very cathartic to get it down!
You do have a lot on your plate, school age children, needy parent, health problems of your own. I hope you find a way forward, some sort of compromise.
Love fiona

dreamdaisy

She deserves an Oscar for method acting. I reckon there is something adrift within her bonce and you being her lap-dog is not the answer. She has you just where she wants you, I think you can safely expect further timely bouts of 'illness' when your arrangements, needs or wishes interfere with her preferences. DD

bubbadog

I'm starting to wonder if your mother has Munchausen Syndrome, reading up on it, it fits the bill to a T of what your mother has been doing! The fact she is making herself be sick for attention I'm with the others she needs to see someone from Mental Health, it's horrible to say that about your mother but she is playing you like a fiddle. The minute you start mentioning about her going home or needing to go out yourself 'boom'! She becomes unwell. You need to step back and say to yourself 'look at myself, she is making me sick which is starting to effect my kids, if it was anyone else their backside would be out the door, I need to look at this plainly nasty female over stayed welcome and abusive, must go!!' Try to shut out her sob story when you tell her it's time to go home, stick her on a train and take a nice deep breath and exhale as the train moves away!

ouchpotato

Hello everyone, I hope none of you have been too badly affected by the storms last night.

So...

Bubbadog, you might be right. I have noticed a few strange behaviours, for instance, she has always said she hated taking tablets but the last time she was here she used all my cocodamols, and this time around she has used all my daughter's anti sickness tabs (she had them for morning sickness), and has gone through a box of paracetamol, claiming that as soon as she has swallowed them the pain has gone.

I can't send her home, I'm just too 'nice' (read mug) for that, but I will not be driving her the 100 mile round trip home, I am not going through that pain again. I will take her to the bus station and put her on the coach (she won't get the train, it doesn't go straight through so she'd have to change).

I had a text from my brother this morning, saying his wife is in hospital with shortness of breath and high blood pressure, to be honest I'm so annoyed that he hasn't lifted a finger to help, and has never asked me how I am despite him knowing that I am ill, that I don't even know how to reply to him without falling out with him!

Fiona...you understand, because my mum is exactly the same, she surprises me sometimes by doing something lovely, and then I feel like a cow for complaining about her, but as you say it is usually when she has done something wrong. It's very very hard to turn your back on your own mother.

Me talking to her GP is out of the question; I don't even know who her doctor is as she never goes to one, and she would absolutely flip her lid if I did. To her, mental health issues are a big taboo, and the mere suggestion that she has any would mean the end of any kind of relationship with her. I know, and my sister knows, that there is definitely something there that's amiss.

I feel that I have done some permanent damage with the weekend's traumas. I have nerve damage in my back, which affects my leg, and the pain is now there permanently...not extreme but there in the background, waiting to be aggravated.

Somebody asked (and forgive me for not remembering who) about my family make-up. My brother lives about 3 miles from my mum, and is married with 2 grown up sons and a teenage daughter. I am a single mum with 3 kids, arthritis and 50 miles away. My sister is in Australia and dealing with her son's brain tumour, as well as her own brain injury from a horrific car crash some years ago.

I know I am being put upon...and I am allowing it to happen. I have said before that being brought up with an Irish Catholic Mother predisposes you to having a permanent guilty conscience, and my mother is a master at inflicting guilt trips.

Anyway, I am determined that I will not take her out today, and I will keep dosed up on painkillers and try and ease this pain.

Thanks for listening, it's all I need really.

x

dibdab

Just dropping by to say I hope that today is a better one in your world. I understand when you say you need to be there for mum- it really is hard to turn your back on a family member even when they are unreasonable. So I guess I wish you patience, fortitude, and a big dose of "NO" when things get out of hand.

Try and get some rest today. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Deb x

ouchpotato

Hi all, just a quick update, I'm on my phone so forgive any mistakes. My Mum isn't well enough to go home for sure, as soon as she sits down she falls asleep, and is popping paracetamol like there is no tomorrow as she has (she says) a pain in her tummy and is feeling sick again.
I'm so tired though. It's so so tiring looking after her, even though she is sleeping I am constant on tenterhooks, checking she's ok, has enough to drink, trying to get her to eat, she won't go upstairs to sleep so instead everyone is creeping around so as not to wake her.
Since Saturday all I have heard is how my brother doesn't care...moaning about him,.his wife,.his daughter and his son. It has wall to wall moaning. It's so depressing.
Again I am sorry for off loading but it helps.

stickywicket

ouchpotato wrote:

the last time she was here she used all my cocodamols, and this time around she has used all my daughter's anti sickness tabs (she had them for morning sickness), and has gone through a box of paracetamol, claiming that as soon as she has swallowed them the pain has gone.

ouchpotato wrote:

My Mum isn't well enough to go home for sure, as soon as she sits down she falls asleep, and is popping paracetamol like there is no tomorrow as she has (she says) a pain in her tummy and is feeling sick again.

Of course she has stomach pains if she's misusing paracetamol. Ouch, PLEASE don't let her have access to your meds, your daughter's meds or anyone else's. Paracetamol, when misused, is a killer.

ouchpotato

Sticky, I hide my cocodamol now and there are no more anti sickness tabs left so she can't take them...the paracetamol I may have mislead you, she is not overdosing on them, but she takes them every 4 hours...my surprise at this is that she has always maintained she never took tablets and yet at home she has a stock of anadin, and nurofen and here she is taking the paracetamol as often as she is allowed. It just doesn't add up.
She wanted me to text my son to ask him to buy her some on his way home from school today, then asked could I get her some on my way to pick up my daughter from school. I did neither, and she will have to make do with the few that are left in the house.

She has been asleep all day, but now she is awake and is annoyed that I am on the laptop!

Pain levels (in me) are definitely up. Walking to the school I was wincing with the pain in my knees, and by the time I got home my back was screaming...it's not even a 5 minute walk each way!

It's very hard.

x

phoenixoxo

ouchpotato wrote:

the paracetamol I may have mislead you, she is not overdosing on them, but she takes them every 4 hours...

How many in 24 hours, though? :?

Ouch, apologies if this comes across as a bit blunt, but maybe your mum needs more help than you can provide? From my own experience, I know there comes a time when a relative needs help from outside the family. I'm sorry, a friend's about to arrive, but please give this some thought.

Best wishes,
Phee

ouchpotato

Phee, no apologies needed. You are quite right, I am pretty overwhelmed if I'm honest, and panicking at the thought of her saying day after day that she's not ready to go home. She's not taking more than the 8 a day she should as she goes to bed at 9ish and can't get to them until the next day.
But what can you do when a parent won't go for help anywhere else? She has said today she'd rather die than ask my brothers family for help, so that leaves me as sole 'carer' and I'm just not up to the job.

X

stickywicket

Well done on not letting her have your meds. Phee is right about paracetamol though. 8 is the maximum in 24 hours.

i agree with the others that your Mum needs help though I'm sure she doesn't want it. I'm worried about you because I can only see this situation getting worse, not better. Have you tried ringing, or PMing our helplines?

Meanwhile, I can only suggest you fix a date for her going and ensure she goes then. If she complains of stomach ache offer to go to your own GP with her. Indeed, it might be a good idea to book to see your GP yourself and explain what's happening. He / she might have some suggestions.

This is a lot for a fully fit person to handle and you are by no means a fully fit person.

ouchpotato

I'm going on a bit of a rant again, but bear with me...I have no one I can really talk to about this, so feel free not to read - just typing it all down helps me not to internalise it all.

She is being sick again. I told her if she was still like it in the morning I was going to call my own GP...she shouted, actually shouted at me 'DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN'. Do what? Look after her? Get her the help? I am SO peed off right now, this whole thing has knocked me for six health wise and now I'm having it thrown in my face, but it is still me who has to pick up the pieces, and try and get rid of the smell of vomit, and hand her tissues to wipe her mouth, and run around after her. I am unbelievably hurt by her reaction. How much more can I do?

My brother has made it clear that he can't/won't help me...his wife was in hospital today, and although she is home now he will be concentrating on her (she has GERD). So I'm on my own here. And I'm not equipped to deal with it.

bubbadog

Oh Ouch! She has proved to you now that she is making herself sick, because she refused to go and see your doctor. You need help, I understand you can't stick her on a coach and send her home because you feel bad because she's your Mom. There is only so much you can take before you will break! What do your kids say about it? You are going to make yourself really sick if you carry on this viscous circle, and you need to think about your kids Ouch, if you end up in hospital because all this makes you really sick who is going to look after your kids? She is properly sleeping a lot because she's not drinking enough and making herself sick will make you sleepy. Your Mom doesn't want to go home because she has someone doing everything for her (you) at her beckon call, making food, cleaning up after her, taking her out, making her drinks....I could go on! Wouldn't you love that? You need to sit down and seriously think about how soon you can get her on that coach, if she needs help find out who to call to arrange that. And most of all your own health what you need, I'd say mostly rest and recoup after being your mom's slave!! I know you feel bad because she's your Mom sweetie but she is treating you really, really bad. I hope you can get this sorted soon so you can concentrate on yourself.