The weekend from hell

ouchpotato

Hello everyone, and thanks for making me not feel like a total horror.

My Mum is still in hospital. She had a scan at lunchtime and they found she has several gall stones and a cyst on her ovary. This was all conveyed to me by my sister in law, in as few words as she could manage. She made a big show of telling me that she was with my Mum when she had the scan...cue the new heroine in my mums life! Anyway, more will be known tomorrow when the doctors do their rounds...I'm assuming they will operate, both on the cyst and the stones.
I did some shopping this morning and then slept all afternoon...it is very strange, when this all kicks off with my Mum (this is now the 4th time) I sleep. I think my mind is saying'enough' and shutting down temporarily.

Anyway, I'm doing this on my phone so will leave it there but just wanted to update.

X

ouchpotato

Also, the excuse they give for not being able to take time off is that my brother is on a final warning at work for his absences. My sister in law works...believe it or not...in the same hospital!

toady

Thanks for updating and hope you can get some more decent sleep in, and that tomorrow will not bring too much aggro from your sister-in-law.. meant to add earlier, that I understand how much you would feel differently about the situation if you & your mum's relationship was different, but even if she was a pleasure to have around & look after, it doesn't take away from the fact you would still in all honesty not be fit to have her. That original horrendous trip you made would not have been wise or advisable or safe, whatever the situation, so in some ways your particular situation with your mum is a side issue to the important main one of your health. Sending support, toady. x

bubbadog

Ouch, I was speaking to a friend and she is like us sick and on crutches and her mom was in hospital and she had other relatives not very far away and they where trying to pass the buck on to her to have their mother stay with her to recuperate and when the Consultant realised she wasn't well they insisted that the mother couldn't go to her because she wasn't fully able to take care of the mother and help with the recuperation. The rest of the relatives where fuming and had to fight between themselves to decide who had the mother. She said the hospital shouldn't allow your mother to go to you by law because you are not fully able to help care for your mother and also you don't live close to the hospital who are caring for her. So your brother really doesn't have a leg to stand on excuse the pun!! I'm sorry but I have to agree with DD as well you have to put your foot down and say no this time, your sick, I'm sure your brother and his wife can arrange between themselves a timetable so someone is always with her. Stand in front of a mirror and just keep saying No, till it is easy to say when your brother or his wife calls moaning and demanding you have your mother, the word you say is no then just put the phone down!!

ouchpotato

Hello Bubba, that is very interesting to know, thankyou.

I have spoken to both my mum and the hospital today. They are not really interested in the gallstones, they are more concerned with the ovarian cyst. She is having a CT scan this afternoon to concentrate on that. They do believe that the cyst is what is behind all the symptoms. My gut feeling tells me it is probably cancerous; the bloating, vomiting, indigestion, inability to go to the toilet. If this turns out to be the case then I will absolutely not be the right person to look after her anyway - as you say Bubba she will need to be close to the hospital which is treating her. And I am physically unable to make the trek up 2 flights of stairs to keep making sure she is ok etc. I couldn't even swap bedrooms with her as then I would still be tackling 2 flights of stairs up and down.

If it is 'just' a cyst then chances are they will still remove it, given that it is causing her pain and sickness - and then she will still need post operative care at the hospital.

I will keep you all updated as and when I know anything. I will phone the hospital later and see if she has had her scan and what the outcome is.

x

toady

If things are as you say then it will be pretty much a fait accompli, it will be impracticable for you to do the caring or the transporting to & fro. Will wait to hear. And of course you're not a horror, you have already gone more than the 'extra mile' - literally and metaphorically. x

ouchpotato

Hello everyone, just popping in for a quick update.

It has been a bit of a confusing day as I have had conflicting advice. My sister in law text me to say that mum is being transferred to another hospital for surgery today. I called my mum and she told me that she is going for another scan today, then being taken to gynaecology unit at same hospital, and might be going to the other hospital at a later date. She also told me they might be removing both her ovaries. I called the nurse in charge of mum's care and she said that mum was being taken to gynaecology downstairs at 7pm, and would have a scan in the morning. I asked about her being transferred to the other hospital and she said no, that she had thought she was but had made a mistake.

When I called my mum she was nearly hysterical. I couldn't get much out of her. Earlier on she had been threatening to discharge herself and said nobody would ever get her into a hospital again (see...I'm such a bad person for 'making' her go through this). She was fed up, complaining that no doctor/nurse had been to see her for a couple of hours, said she is going to put ina complaint about the doctor who was, apparently, (in her words) an a**e hole!

I am going to go over tomorrow to see her. I don't want to go on Saturday as that is my brother's day off and I don't trust myself to be in his company. He has not once been in touch with me since he swore at me for daring to ask him to see my mum. Any communication I have had has been from my sister in law.

I'll call the new ward later to see if she's settled in, and then maybe I'll know something more.

x

dibdab

Your mum is absolutely in the right place whatever she or your charming brother say. She needs to be sorted, and that is in no way your responsibility. Go tomorrow only if you feel up to it, your family just have to learn to understand that for now you are engaged in your own health battle, and have no resources, physical or emotional , left over. IT seems to me it's just time for your brother to "man up" and take some responsibility, you've already done more than your share for some one who has done so little for you. Why not hang back a while so that they really understand that you are not physically able to drive the distance any longer?

Lecture over, sorry if I sound bossy :oops: . A life time of teaching does have that effect-always organising other people.

Hope you get a good nights sleep. Take care. Hugs (((((((( ))))))))

Deb x

thistlegirl

I echo everything Deb said (us teachers think alike).

Keep in contact by phone and rest up, if you can, stay at home.

Hugs
Jenny

Susiesoo

Ouch, I am with the teachers! You really should think again about going. A bit of distance for a while may help you think and see things differently. You cannot and should not try to do everything yourself. For your children's sake you need to put your health first. Your mother will be looked after even if you are not there.

I completely understand the power a parent can have over you. My father was not an easy man, to say the least. You are not alone in that.

I know it is easy for us to say these things and it is you who has to deal with the situation, but we can probably see things more clearly from a distance.

Chin up, Ouch and in the meantime....keep practising saying "no"!

Susie

dreamdaisy

Why are you considering going? The message that sends to the others is that you are perfectly capable of doing what you're trying to hint you can't. DD

PS I had a ovarian cyst that weighed 3.8 kilos, I didn't know it was there until it twisted on its stem - then I knew about it!

stickywicket

Spot on, DD. By consistently pushing yourself to your limits the message you give out to others is that your limits are not your limits but your norm. Your mother is safe and your sister-in-law is pulling her weight. This is good. Just accept it and relax a little.

bubbadog

I agree with DD & SW Now you seem to have good verbal conversations with your Sister in law I would take that time to stay home and recharge your batteries after what you have been through. Your getting information from your SIL and you can ring the hospital and find out how she is. Now your mother is where you wanted her to be it's Ouch's time!!

Boomer13

Hang in there, ouch! Sending strength for you.......(())

ouchpotato

Hello everyone

Just a quick update as I am feeling very upset. I went to see my mum on Friday, and it was a nice visit, she was pleased to see us and I'm glad we went. It was a nightmare journey home though, the 50 miles took 3 hours die to Friday rush hour (by the time I realised it was too late to get off the road, we were stuck). By the time I got home I was in excruciating pain with my hip and leg, and cried for about 2 hours with it.

But...last night I was the recipient of an onslaught of vile poisonous texts from my sister in law. Telling me I was useless, a bad daughter, I should never have left my mum's side...it went on and on...how I wasn't normal blah blah. I kept telling her to grow up, and to sober up as she was making an idiot of herself, but she just wouldn't stop. I text my brother to ask him to stop her and he replied that he wanted nothing more to do with me, that I was never to bother him or his family again and he was blocking my number so I can never contact him again!!! All this because I am too far and too ill to maintain a 24 hour vigil, not to mention a single parent with a young daughter. It was horrible. I cried myself to sleep last night. This morning my mum called me and she could tell there was something wrong, I tried not to tell her but it all came out. She text my brother to ask him what the hell happened last night and he replied 'alcohol'. Disgusting, the pair of them that drunk that they embarked on a hate campaign, drunk in charge of their young teenage daughter. I don't care that it was fuelled by alcohol, I will NEVER speak to either of them again. I have blocked both of their numbers.

Mum is finally feeling a bit better after they decided to give her omeprazole (I suggested this weeks ago), and she is finally eating. They don't now think the cyst is causing the problems, so may order an endoscopy as they think it may be stomach related (a fact I am astonished they haven't discovered before). But anyway, the omeprazole is giving her the chance to recover her appetite which in turn will allow her to regain her strength.

I'm driving over again today; I know it will cause me pain but I do (despite everything that's gone before) want to see her. I won't be able to go over in the week so it will be my last chance and they are talking of discharging her possibly tomorrow pending further tests. I just hope I don't bump into my ex brother and his vile wife.

Thankyou all for your continued support

x

toady

Thanks very much for updating I was going to post today.. was a bit worried you had been driving up there & back umpteen times & didn't dare come in & tell us lot typical that you should have a better visit with your mum & a worse fallout to follow with the ghastly sister-in-law.. beats me how people can become quite so nasty. If her main (drunken) fight with you was you supposedly not doing enough for your mum, then that's rather a difficult line for her to make stick given - well, pot kettle & her husband basically. Anyway good for you ignoring them I would say that is probably best although whether it will be practical in the course of time will have to be seen.

Take care on today's drive; where are they planning to discharge her to (dare I ask).

ouchpotato

Hi Toady

No, I wasn't driving back and forth...and I would have come in and told you anyway! I would have given the same advice as all of you to someone else, but when you are in the middle of it and it's your own family it's harder...

So as I said I had blocked both my brother's and his wife's numbers; what I didn't know was that texts could still come through as I had one from her on my way to the hospital. A pathetic attempt at an apology, saying she had had a bad day! No **** Sherlock, we all have bad days but don't use the opportunity to abuse other people. It has fallen on deaf ears, I'm not interested in the slightest. The damage is done.

But, would you believe my brother turned up at the hospital while we were there, despite him knowing we were going up. I was so annoyed, he wouldn't even let me have that time with my mum without upsetting everything. As soon as he walked in I gathered our stuff together, kissed my mum goodbye and walked out. He didn't speak to me, or acknowledge my children.
Apparently his wife's behaviour has caused a massive row between them. They haven't spoken since. BUT, that doesn't quite wash with me as he joined in with it and told me never to contact him again. What he should have said was sorry, ignore her she's drunk, I'll deal with her. But he didn't, so in my view he is as bad as she is.

Anyway, when I got to the hospital mum was looking much better. She had eaten a roast dinner, pudding, biscuits and crisps! She hadn't eaten prior to that for 5 weeks at least. The dr is due to see mum this morning to explain what is going to happen. It is clearly a stomach issue as the omeprazole has helped so much.

The drive home took 2 hours, which again rendered me useless with pain by the time I got home. I am seriously thinking about giving up driving as the pain is just not worth it.

Hope you all have a good day

x

stickywicket

Ouch, I think you should think this through carefully. You and your brother and sister-in-law are never going to be bosom pals but you are probably going to have to liaise with each other over your mother whether you like it or not, both now and in the future.

Your sister-in-law, for all her faults, did get your Mum into hospital and stay with her. She sent you some nasty texts, while drunk, and your brother is angry with her because of it. That shows he has some concern for you.

To an outsider it seems that you're all struggling – and sometimes failing – round the central vortex of your mother. We all fall short at times, especially when things are difficult. Might it be possible for you, your brother and sister-in-law to all get together, even if only on a phone or skype, and all listen to each other's grievances without condemnation. The less bad feeling there is and the more united you are the easier it will be to deal with your mother.

ouchpotato

Sticky, no there is no way. This isn't the first time she has caused trouble within the family, but it is the last time she will cause me any trouble. If someone told you you were a useless daughter, among other things, would you be able to forgive? She sent these texts while her teenage sons and his mates were there, and she was mocking me, taunting me and calling me all the names under the sun. I'm sick of turning the other cheek only to get it punched the next time.

My brother told me in no uncertain terms to never contact him or his family again, that he was blocking my number and he never wanted to hear from me again. He had his chance to make amends yesterday when he turned up at the hospital. but he completely ignored me. That doesn't say to me that he is sorry or that he has thought better of his text.

If he apologised to me then maybe I may, in time, be able to let it go but I'll never have anything to do with her again.

stickywicket

I didn't necessarily mean that you should forgive her, ouch, though, since you ask, if I had little respect for someone, it wouldn't matter to me at all if they thought I was a useless daughter/wife/ mother etc. As long as I was sure they were wrong, and the people whose opinions I did respect agreed with me, I really wouldn't care what anyone else said or thought.

Of course the last thing you need is to feel like you're the doormat that everyone wipes their feet on. My point was that a knee-jerk reaction of deleting their numbers etc might not be in your own best interests.

Sending unpleasant texts while drunk seems to be the normal thing in some quarters. That in no way excuses it but at least she had the grace to apologise. And, from what you wrote previously, it sounds as if it was you who walked out from your Mum's bedside when your brother walked in so he will no doubt feel that you rebuffed him and so have more ammunition for feeling you are in the wrong and he is in the right.

These situations can just escalate out of control and, as a result, everyone concerned is worse off. Someone has to be big enough to say this situation has to end. Let's sort things out as amicably as we can, That's not giving in. It's taking control.

ouchpotato

Sticky, I didn't leave immediately, he had walked in, and asked my mum if she had heard anything from the doctor. Then there was silence. He ignored me, and more importantly my son and daughter. So I gathered my stuff, said to mum that I was leaving, kissed her, waited for the kids to say goodbye and then left. He had ample opportunity to speak, It was he who told me never to speak to him again.

stickywicket

I should have mentioned that I, personally, have no doubts at all about your being a good daughter. Better than she deserves by a long chalk.

toady

Just sending a bit more moral support seeing as we will be 'off' for a day or two, hope all goes on steady, at least your mum is eating up! so hope that by focusing on that side of things the drs will get somewhere. Re your family situation it is very trying but I agree that stopping these things escalating is the ideal if remotely possible, and if you can be the grown-up calm one who rises above things then there are moral high ground points in it for you if nothing else.. all the best. xx

thistlegirl

Just dropping in as I was thinking about you Ouch.
I am so glad that your Mum is feeling better and hopefully now that she is on the doctors radar and had this OK experience in hospital she will be easier to get to the doctors next time if needed.
My Alcoholic Aunt used to drunk call, not sure if that is better or worse than texting. Hopefully your brother will swallow his pride and say sorry. He hopefully feels guilty seeing your mum in hospital and knowing you had to push him into action and your SIL is something else.
I am glad your visits have been good with your Mum and hopefully you are able to relax when you are at home.
Could you teach your son how to drive? Is it an Automatic? I swapped to one and it made a huge difference.

Jenny