The weekend from hell

ouchpotato

I just had a reply from my brother.
'On same shift all week, not off til Saturday. Your call if she needs an ambulance'. So that's that. He is dumping it all on me. Laying all the responsibility on me. Despite me being so far away, and on crutches, and scared of driving in any case because of the leg issues. He could walk to mum's at a push, whereas I am looking at a 100 mile round trip.

I'm furious.

toady

Unbelievable. I would be furious too. You can get off work for a family emergency, that is no excuse whatsoever, and it is not your call if she needs an ambulance any more than it is his. Why should it be? And more to the point, how about sorry?!! How about 'sorry I can't help', 'sorry if it's putting you in a difficult position'? It's not your sole responsibility, and any amount of his shoving it onto you doesn't make it so. Whatever happens to your mum is not down to you alone. Without some concession from someone that they would meet me part way, OR have at least some regret that they can't (and in his case it's clearly 'won't'), I'm afraid that would harden me to make jolly sure they were hauled into the fray, one way or another.

ouchpotato

I've called 111 and am waiting for them to call me back. I feel sick because she will be furious with me.
They said that under normal circumstances they wouldn't do anything unless I was with her and she knew I was calling, but I explained to them that I am unable to be with her as I am ill, and my brother won't help (I think I may have sounded slightly hysterical!!!) so they said they don't want to leave her on her own like this, and will see what they can do. As we were talking the systems went down (wouldn't you know it?) so she said someone will call me back.

I am beyond furious with my brother. The more I think of it the angrier I get. He knows that if he stays out of it he won't have to deal with the fallout - so he's happy for me to take all the flak whatever decision I make. If the worse happens he can say that it was my fault for not doing anything. If I get an ambulance he will agree with her that I shouldn't have done it. If I don't call an ambulance he will agree with her that I should have and it 'proves' I don't care! What a bleeping spineless coward!

dibdab

Well done for telling your brother- his response quite frankly stinks!!!!!! Typical male burying head in sand stuff :x . Does he know who your mums GP is I wonder- if mum is saying she would take all her pills that sounds to me like a good reason to call her GP and express worries about her mental well being- then you have tried your best to help/protect her. Could your brother speak to her GP, or at least give you a name/number to contact?

What ever happens to mum or with mum you have absolutely nothing to beat yourself up about- at every step of the journey you have tried to help, understand and encourage her to make right decisions. Sometimes when folks push the self destruct button we can do no more. Having said that, folks often threaten to so stuff for attention- and from what you have shared she is clearly attention seeking in a big way.

For now draw strength and comfort from your delightful children, they are a real treasure because they love you unconditionally. You are a good daughter, never let any one tell you different, you have tried and tried despite your own health struggles.

Sending big hugs and positive thoughts your way. Be of good courage............ and keep talking to us, though we can't help physically, we are here to listen and try to support as best we can.

Deb x

ouchpotato

Deb,you do write such lovely things!

I sent a message back to my brother saying it might be too late by Saturday, and can't he at least call her. His response...your call I'm at work. I merely sent one back saying 'unbelievable'. Selfish selfish *****. I can do no more. Even if I did go down there (which I can't) it would make no difference. She still wouldn't go to hospital, she still wouldn't listen to me and I would end up getting angrier and angrier and nothing would change. She would just shout at me.

ouchpotato

NHS111 called back. Basically there is nothing I or they can do. All to do with her rights as a human being. If I suspect she is incapable of making a rational decision then I must make that decision for her, but she knows exactly what she is doing. So I must sit back and watch her kill herself.

I am so angry with her for doing this, and so angry at my brother for making me handle this alone.

dreamdaisy

Stop contacting your brother, mother and anyone else. The only person who can help her is her and she obviously has no intention of doing so. If she threatens to take all her pills then tell her that's a good idea because you've had enough and put the 'phone down. You have a special family event today and your selfish parent should not be ruining it - I expect she's loving every last moment of putting you yet again through the emotional ringer.

What do you owe this horror? She's been unkind to you throughout your life so end your association with her now. Your brother is responding to type so ignore him too. I know it's not an easy thing to do but for your sake you have no other option. DD

ouchpotato

DD as much as I hate it, I think I am left with no option now. It is so against my nature to do it but I have no other option. I physically can do no more. My brother has now resorted to swearing at me via text because I had the nerve to tell him he wasn't doing his bit to help. He is very like our mother in personality, two peas in a pod (he was and always will be the golden boy despite him bringing nothing but heartache to her) while I am the polar opposite.
I can see no happy ending to this.

thistlegirl

As you said Ouch "unbelievable".

As to the rest as DD says your have gone above and beyond what is expected of you.
As for your brother....wow, I really don't know...forward any contact you have with your mother to him by text and tell him to step up and make some decisions.

Try to enjoy your son's birthday and get a big hug from your daughter.

Jenny

ouchpotato

Jenny, I am done with my brother. He won't even call her, and a tiny bit of me is envious of his ability to detach himself. He will go to bed tonight and sleep, whereas I will lie awake worrying.

My oldest daughter is here tonight too, so I have all 3 of my beautiful kids around me, we will enjoy my son's birthday and just see what tomorrow brings.

They all tell me I am doing the right thing, and have done all I can. My oldest daughter has lost patience with my mum, and even my son who is the world's most placid boy, is going the same way.

Thanks for all the support everyone x

dreamdaisy

Firstly may I say that I don't wish to seem harsh or unkind but surely this is the time for plain speaking. I am concerned for you - I don't care about the others.

Secondly, I understand that this cannot be easy for you but it's sounding a very familiar familial tale; the blue-eyed boy who can do no wrong and the girl who can do no right (other variations on this theme are available ). Of course your brother doesn't want to know - you say he is like your parent in temperament (it kinda shows) and, up 'til now, he's had you available to pick up the pieces so now it's time to stop picking them up. I guess I was lucky in being an only - it all fell on me and there was no-one else with whom to argue, debate, placate or plead.

I hope you and your children have a lovely evening together - don't let her spoil it. It's not your fault she's in your life (after all you had no say in the matter) but don't let her mind games spoil the good thing that you have with your children. DD

ouchpotato

Well, I received a rather curt text from my sister in law tonight to say she is with my Mum at the hospital and they are awaiting results of xrays and bloods and possible move to the surgery ward...all exactly what happened the last time. My brother is obviously extremely annoyed at me so got his wife to text me. I asked her what time she went to the hospital but I have had no reply and don't suppose I will either. The first time she went in it was my brother who took her (only time he has got involved) and refused to give me any news, I had to call the hospital for updates despite him sitting with her at the time.

I will undoubtedly become the villain of the peace now, but I don't care. She is where she should be and hopefully getting help. I am finished with my brother now though. My kids know I have done everything I can and more, and their opinion is all that matters to me.

Forgive me any mistakes as am on my phone and it is a nightmare to go back and check what I've written! Also I am in bed and dopey with meds.

Thanks all.

X

Numptydumpty

Keep your pecker up ((((()))))
Numpty

ouchpotato

It wasn't even my brother who took her to the hospital, it was his wife who, incidentally, my Mum hates!

toady

At least whatever else, you will not be getting a middle of the night phone call from your mum so although you will be bound to worry anyway what you will hear next, that is something. You can't really tackle the situation with your brother any other way than you are doing, he is behaving ridiculously, so try to steel yourself against any suggestions you are the villain because you 100% are not. Hope you get a reasonable night, you & your kids are obviously a solid little band so that's the main thing. All the best, toady.

ouchpotato

Unfortunately it would seem that I will have to be the one who looks after her when she is discharged. I had another curt text off my sister in law this morning, telling me that she sat at the hospital til 3am with my mum, and that if she is discharged I will have to go and pick her up. I replied that as I had already told my brother I can't drive as I am on crutches and all I got was a 'oh well, don't know what will happen to her as we are both working today'. My brother has still done nothing. The hospital will not discharge her to an empty house so once again I will have to have her staying here and it nearly killed me the last time.
I called the hospital this morning and she is still in triage and I have to call back after 10.30 but she is being admitted and won't be coming home today. I sincerely hope they do whatever tests they need to do, operate if necessary, because I am sick to death of her not taking responsibility for her own health. Surely, after 4 A&E visits they will investigate and not just send her home again? I can't keep doing this. I feel physically sick with anger, and also fear of what is to come. Not fear exactly...more dread maybe. There is also the whole 'we're working, you sit on your backside all day' mentality with my brother and his wife and it really makes me see red.
Sorry for ranting.

x

Susiesoo

You rant away. Without wishing to sound hard and uncaring, there comes a time when we all must use the word "no". You are not up to the job and only you can put your needs first. Surely at this point a social worker should get involved and be responsible for your mum's care whether mum likes it or not. Please, for your sake be strong and use the word "no" to your brother. Virtual strength vibes coming your way!

Susie

ouchpotato

Susie, I know I should be saying no, and I want to say no, and the resentment is already building up inside me. But it's easier said than done. I live in a 3 storey cottage, the spare room is on the top floor along with my son's bedroom. I NEVER go up there, it's about all I can manage to get up to my room up one flight of stairs. The stairs are dark, steep and narrow. So when she is here I have to go up there to check on her, to bring her meds or whatever. My youngest uses the room as a playroom and it is usually messy and the floor is covered in toys. The last time (2 weeks ago) she was here after the same thing happened (A&E, discharge) she actually told my daughter off for the state of the room and I had to climb the stairs and kneel on the floor with my daughter cleaning it all so that it was good enough for her! We spent all afternoon up there, taking our time, as neither of us wanted to go back down again! A normal person would have been grateful that there was a bed in a warm house to sleep in and people around her but no...she wanted it spick and span (she has OCD).
I hate myself for not being able to stand up to her, but after 45 years of conditioning it's hard. We were brought up to fear her, and to walk on eggshells and to do whatever it took not to 'wake the beast!'.
(I am ranting again, more to myself than anything so please feel free to skip through this).
My home is not my own when she is here. We can't watch anything we want to watch because she will either sigh so loudly over and over so we can't enjoy it, or talk through it so we can't hear it. All she wants is wall to wall soaps and Jeremy kyle. Me and the kids like crime dramas, documentaries etc. I never watch the soaps, ever. She complains that she hates being stuck indoors all the time, so I take her out and when we're out she says she wants to go back home.
if I had had a normal relationship with her I would do this with a good heart, but I haven't. I went through domestic violence so extreme that it nearly killed me; I miscarried because of it and the blood loss was so great that I had to have several blood transfusions to keep me alive. It nearly killed me. And all she said was 'I'm delighted you lost the baby'. it was so extreme that it went to trial but she refused to give evidence, and he walked away scot free. Her reason for her refusal...she doesn't like the police and didn't want them at her door.
So you can see why I am so messed up over this.

Sorry, again.

stickywicket

Ouch, DON'T DO IT. This is a macabre game that will go on until it has destroyed both of you and damaged your children too. Consider what you are teaching them by continuing to play it with her.

Get some support. Ring our Helplines. Be strong.

toady

You must say no, I know how hard you will find it, but you are not fit and really the hospital should do their part & deem you not a fit person to release someone to. Get your own GP to testify to that if you can. You will be saying no you are not fit to them, not directly to your mother. As said before, think of it this way, if you were literally incapable - were in plaster, bedbound, whatever, you would have no choice but to say no & something would still have to be done about your mother. If you become worse through all of this, you will find that something will get sorted then soon enough, so why get to that point.

From my experience if all family members are unable to take a relative in, the hospital will crank up their machinery & do whatever it takes to free up her bed, be it social services or put some pressure on your brother themselves. I know it's hard for working folk too (although I would love to flick a switch and put them in your shoes so they could see how much fun sitting around is!!! fume) - but it is not a copper-bottomed excuse not to help, they would have to take time off if it were illness in their own immediate family presumably. Don't back down especially given the way your brother & sister-in-law are behaving.

petals

She was delighted you lost your baby!!!!!!

She refused to stand by you and give evidence!!!!

I'm sorry but your mother is a monster.

If I was in your shoes, she would never cross my doorstep again. I would change my phone number so that she can't keep phoning and texting. No wonder your brother wants nothing to do with her, if she is really ill then the doctors can sort her out. If she refuses help from the professionals then that's her hard luck.

Your mother is a grown woman, not a child. Its time she grew up and acted like one.

Sorry if this sounds harsh Ouch but it's time you looked after yourself.

dibdab

Ouch I am pleased to hear mum is finally where she can get the help she needs. I agree with the others-there is no way you can be expected to be the safety net on discharge, you simply aren't fit enough for it. In my experience the hospital will push for a relative to take over, but if you dig in your heels and say no, explain about your own disability(lay it on thick!!!! ) then they can and must find an alternative. When my dad was hospital bound we were all working, and they arranged for carers to come in 3 times a day to get him up/put him to bed/do lunch etc-otherwise she could go to rehab care until she's well enough to care for herself. I wonder if there's any mileage in you ringing the ward and talking to the sister about how she's been with meds, the things she's said about taking them all together etc- they may get her assessed by psychiatric team before discharge?

Be strong and just for a change take care of you..... from all you tell us it seems to me that your mum doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Deb x

toady

dibdab wrote:

..there is no way you can be expected to be the safety net on discharge, you simply aren't fit enough for it. In my experience the hospital will push for a relative to take over, but if you dig in your heels and say no, explain about your own disability(lay it on thick!!!! ) then they can and must find an alternative.

Exactly right.

thistlegirl

Don't do it Ouch, please be strong and say NO.

You are already pushing yourself looking after the kids and you. Remember what it was like last time she was with you, don't put yourself and you kids through it again. The hospital will sort something out whether it is getting your brother to step up or carer's. She will probably throw a fit but tough for her, she has to live with it. You said yourself you can't physically get to her room in your house. Are they expecting your young daughter to pick up the slack???

I am glad she is in hospital, where she needs to be. As has already been said now is the time to mention your other concerns re medication, mental health, sight etc.

Keep strong

Jeny

Boomer13

Dear Ouch;

Do not give in. Someone in your brother's household can take a day off and help with your mum, or some other solution. You need to be off limits to her and her post-hospital needs. The kind of mental duress you are under is very bad for your health. Your brother and SIL are involved now, let them figure it out. Don't let them manipulate you with guilt. You don't have to be responsible. Stay strong.

Life is too short to put up with this kind of uncaring nonsense. It is ok to put yourself first.