Ron's jokes

rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"😀



  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I once lived on a houseboat for a while, down on the river and started seeing the girl on a neighbouring barge.

    At first everything was going great at first and I thought, yeah this is it!.

    Sadly as time went by, we just drifted apart.🤩

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I went to a wedding the other day, it was such a moving experience even the cake was in tiers.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

    face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

    She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her

    teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as

    well make the most of it.

    Afterwards, while crossing the street outside the hospital, she was knocked down and killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33

    years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

    God replied: "I didn't recognise you!"

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

    "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

    "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realise it. You don't suppose she's faking being ill do you?"

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Last night I had the most strangest dream.

    I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orangeade.

    I guess it was just a fanta sea.

  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,211

    Hahaha!   Ron I found your jokes arrived safely🤣

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

    "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

    "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

    Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

    Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

    The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

    She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?" 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

    Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:

    "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."

    Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

    The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."

    "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

    On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

    "I Quit." said Brother John.

    "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I’m fed up with people moaning about prices.

    £2 for tea, £2.50 for coffee, £5 parking.

    If they don’t stop I won't invite them round to mine again.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Customer: "I've been calling 0700-1000 for two days and can't get through. Can you help?" 

    Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" 

    Customer: "It's on the door of your business." 

    Operator: "Sir, those are our opening hours."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    In a pub, at the bar.

    Customer (pointing at the "Free Wifi" sign): What's the password?

    Barman: You have to buy a drink first.

    C: Fair enough. I'll have a pint of lager.

    B: Foster's, Carling, or Carlsberg?

    C: Carling, please.

    B: Here you are. That'll be £3.

    C: Thank you (pays £3). So, what's the password?

    B: "youhavetobuyadrinkfirst" All lower case, no spaces.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    After John had purchased movie tickets for himself and his girlfriend, she went inside to find the seats while he got some popcorn. By the time he was served, the previews were being shown and the theatre was dark. John stumbled his way through the dark, sat down and gave his girlfriend a kiss.

    Then he heard a familiar voice say, "Hey John, I'm over here." 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I don't know how many diet cokes you have to drink to lose weight, It's nowhere near 25, I haven't lost a pound yet.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, “You know I’ve had a number of pet birds in my life and now I’m looking for something really special. Have anything I might like?”

    “Yes sir, I do.

    I have a South American parrot rumoured to have a vocabulary of over 400 words.

    He can talk about the weather, about sports, and about politics.

    But I might add, he is very expensive.”

    “Well, he sounds just perfect.

    Why don’t you bring him out here?”

    The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak.

    He sets the bird on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in another part of the shop.

    The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual way, “Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?”

    The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent snowfall, they talk about the latest bills in Parlament and even talk about the latest cricket match in NZ

    The man is dumbfounded.

    “I’ll take him,” he calls out to the clerk, “take him home with me today.”

    “Very good, sir,” says the clerk.

    They conclude the transaction and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.

    As soon as they get to the man’s home, the bird goes into a loud tirade of profanity.

    One four-letter word after another.

    On and on without end. The man can’t believe it.

    “Look, bird, you didn’t do any of this in the shop.

    I have guests coming over tonight.

    Don’t you dare embarrass me with this kind of language.”

    The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.

    The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer.

    That will quiet him down, thinks the man.

    Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely silent.

    The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.

    “Forgive me, sir, I will never talk like that again.

    I just do not know what got it to me.”

    The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his shoulder and the man goes about his business.

    A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks quietly, “Can I ask you a question?”

    “Sure, what is it?”

    “Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?”

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525
    edited 4. Mar 2020, 11:41

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row


    I decided to change calling the bathroom the Loo and renamed it the Jim.

    I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

    He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

    A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir." 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

    The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

    The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!😀

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    😀A pal of mine wanted to go Christmas shopping last Christmas. but he did't have any money. So he just went window-shopping..... with a brick.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I thought I'd broken my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex.

    The doc says,it's just tissue damage.


    On my flight there is a young baby behind me and it’s already having a good old scream.

    The lady asked the flight attendant to switch seats of the crying baby.

    The flight attendant said no.

    Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.


    Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

    Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today...........


  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I was telling my pal over a pint in the pub last night. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my wife, and similar there's nothing she wouldn't do for me. Actually,

    that's how we get through life, doing nothing for each other.😀

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Definition of JOKE

    something that you say or do to make people laugh, for example a funny story that you tell

    A thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.

     something said or done to provoke laughter

    especially a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist

    the humorous or ridiculous element in something an instance of jesting KIDDING

    Wikipedia: A joke is a display of humour in which words are used within a specific and well-defined narrative structure to make people laugh and is not meant to be taken seriously.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

    A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

    "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open my store!" 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    A wife sends her husband to the supermarket with a list of items to stock up with, just in case they run out, due to panic buyers.

    Two hours later he returns home with several bags of shopping in squeezed into the boot of family car.

    Husband: "I hope you have room in the freezer for all these bread rolls"

    Wife: "What bread rolls, I didn't ask you to get any rolls?"

    Husband : "O' yes you did, I got it right here on the list"

    Wife : "Give me that list here, that isn't 100 rolls, we wanted - loo rolls".

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    I went into the pub today and said to the barmaid,"Do you do cash back?".

    "Yes, certainly", she replied.

    "Good", I said, "Can I have the £40 I spent here last night, my wife's going mental."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,525

    Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.🤩

This discussion has been closed.