Ron's jokes

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  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

    Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

    "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..." 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    Everyday someone tells me I've got to exercise


    So, I got a dog and named it 'Twenty Miles'. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday. 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."


    The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honour, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


    "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".


    I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

    "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

    "Nope," replied the man.

    "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the £1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

    "But it's only £500," replied the man.

    "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him." 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    A company owner was asked a question, 'How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?'

    He smiled & replied, 'It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.

    ...... One is paid parking, £10 a day."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526


    A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."


    The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this maths class," he said.


    One of the kids raises his hand, "But teacher, there aren't 50 of us in this class," he said. 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    I've just bought a pen which writes underwater. I've just noticed...It writes other words too.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and didn’t realise he was missing an ‘e’ at the end of a word.


    “I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her.”


    She replied "Having a wonderful Tim, wish you were him, then she sent him divorce papers.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    What do you call a mouse that swears?



    A cursor.


    = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =




    BREAKING NEWS:


    It appears that thieves have made off with all the motorway signs in Yorkshire.




    Police are currently looking for Leeds


    = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =



    My wife keeps empty margarine tubs and just leaves them lying around...



    I can't believe it's not clutter.


    = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =




    I was having trouble fastening my seat belt - then it just clicked.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbour hanging her washing out on the clothes line next door. “That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “Perhaps she hasn't got a washing machine, doesn't know how to use one properly or needs a different detergent.”

    Her husband looked on but said nothing. Every time her neighbour hung her laundry out to dry, the young woman would make the same comments about grey whites and dull colours.

    About a month later, she was surprised to see a nice bright, clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly at last. Do you think one of the other neighbours told her.

    Her husband replied, “No darling - I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526

    I Bought A Lucky Knife From A Leprechaun That Can Cut Through Four Loaves Of Bread At Once.


    It's a four loaf cleaver.

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