Ron's jokes

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

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"My mate went on a sailing course in Poole Harbour."

"In Dorset?"

"Oh yes, he would recommend it to anyone."

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These true signs made me smile

A Funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

On a exhaust shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.' 

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One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some sweets, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too." 

celtic

Nice to have a laugh while that darn virus is hanging about waiting to attack

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Thanks Celtic, glad you are enjoying them.

Anyone wanting a face lift. I saw a sign a few weeks ago which said "Sewage Treatment Works" Believe me, it doesn't. In fact it stinks....

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A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organising things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you use, wash them then when you are done put them back in its right place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."😀

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A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, 'Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'

'I don't know,' replies the flustered doctor, 'I can't get my bag open!' 

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Now you've done it...Computer really messed up now." 

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A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. He paid much more than he had expected to pay.

"I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer.

"Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

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Cannibal humour

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

.

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......

What is a cannibal's favourite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....

What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.......

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, just eat the potatoes.' 

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My partner purchased a world map.... gave me a dart and said "throw this and wherever it lands I'm taking you for a holiday when we get back to normal". Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.

As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the vicar, Mummy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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A Nun Pun

During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they took off their habits, tied them together and used them as a rope to climb down from the window.After safely reaching the ground, a reporter asks, “Weren’t you worried that the habits would have ripped as you were climbing down? They look old and worn.”“Of course not!” said one of the nuns. “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?" :😀

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Did you hear about the leper that went into a video store and asked: "Have you got My left foot?"

A man went into a video store and asked: "Have you got that video about Long John silver?"

The clerk said: "Sorry sir we don't sell pirate video's."

Marion2013

Hilarious, Ron😀 Thanks for making me laugh this morning,

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I heard that on a flight from the USA to London they showed a Madonna movie. It was so bad people got up and walked out.

Yesterday I went to a movie store and asked: "Can I take Batman forever?" The clerk said: "No, sorry but you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

I just read in the paper about a guy who steals coffee from the poor. I really don't know how he sleeps at night.

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A man had a ticket for the theatre but

when he was seated by the usher,

he found that he was just too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play

and I have to watch a mystery close up.

Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."

The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row and

the man hands the usher a 20p coin.

The usher looks at the coin, frowns at him,

then leans over and whispers . . . "The butler did it."

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Old man sitting on his doorstep watching traffic pass by when a stranger in a car stops to ask: "How do you get into the town centre?"

Old man: "Well, usually my son takes me."

My auntie is 85 and she still doesn't need glasses......she drinks straight from the bottle.

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An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.

The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open.

Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the damn truck won't even be waiting for me either." 

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My husband and I both work, so our family orders many take aways.

Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."

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Doctor: "We need to get these people to a hospital!"

Nurse:" What is it?"

Doctor:" It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!"

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Doctor: "You're in good health. You'll live to be 80"

Patient: "But, doctor, I am 80 right now."

Doctor: "See, what did I tell you."

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Optician: "Have your eyes ever been checked?"

Patient: "No, I don't think so, they've always been blue."

Optician: "Please read the bottom line"

Patient: "Copyright 2007. Made in China."

Yesterday my mum gave me soap flakes for breakfast instead of corn flakes. I wasn't mad but I was foaming at the mouth.