Ron's jokes

24

Comments

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    I can just imagine, the guy who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing his hands together.😋

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    I have just started reading my first horror story in Braille.

    I think something really scary is about to happen, I can feel i



    As a birthday treat I have booked a table for my partner and me. I hope it goes better than last year. It was an hour before he potted his first red.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    Teacher: "Answer this maths problem: if your father earns £500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"

    Student: "A heart attack."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551
    Avatar Image

     Problem for the chemist who invented the world's most powerful adhesive.(Superglue) Not a success, however he tried he could not get the top off the tube.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    Did you hear about the karate expert who joined the army. The first time he saluted he killed himself.😄

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

    He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times." 

  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281

    Hi Ron

    Just want to say thank you for the laughs..I can only read so many ,before my eyes give up..but we have had a really good laugh.love the wifi one...😂😂 xx

    Love
    Barbara
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551
    edited 12. Mar 2020, 12:23

    Thanks Babs, I hope you like the next lot.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551
    edited 11. Mar 2020, 09:59

    A lost tourist in London asks a local for directions: "Excuse me, how do I get to the Albert Hall?"



    "Talent, luck and lots of practice."


    A Yorkshireman set-up a business removing all the debris after a building had been demolished.

    But some thought he was just asking for t'rubble.



    I recently purchased a thesaurus from Amazon, when it arrived every page was blank


    I have no words to express how angry I am.



    I tried cooking corned beef fritters for tea, but made a hash out of it.



    If you are captured by cannibals, remember to stay cool.calm and collected.

    No point in ending up in a stew.

  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    Brilliant..😂😂😂
    Love
    Barbara
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    Boy: "Dad can you help me find the common denominator for my homework please?"

    Dad: "Are they still looking for that, I remember looking for that when I was a boy, I thought they would have found it by now."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    Dad: "Ok, I'll help you with your homework. If I have six coconuts and I give you two, how many have I got left?"

    Son: "I've got no idea, our teacher uses apples."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    A builder installing roofing timbers accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.


    He calls out to a man walking on the street below, “Hey, can you see my ear anywhere down there?”


    The man on the street picks up an ear and shouts back, “Is this it?”


    “No, that's not mine” replies the builder, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”😀

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    You've read the Bible story of the three wise men. Well actually there were four of them. One said he knew of a short cut to Bethlehem and he's never been seen since.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    In my day, 'panic buying' only happened when the bell rang and the barman shouted "last orders at the bar"

  • HelenP
    HelenP Member Posts: 22

    just to say this is a brilliant tonic - thank you Rondetto. Helen.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    AW Bless you Helen, It's always nice to know someone is enjoying them. xxx

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the football ground, and Dad can't find the tickets.

    Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."

    Bobby: "No problem, Dad."

    Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.

    Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

    The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

    Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

    Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

    The father replied, "Of course not, If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything." 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    The Beatles were food fans, weren't they? In fact, they were especially big fans of Swiss cheese. As you can tell from the song;


    'She loves Gruyère, yère, yère.'


    An eccentric bachelor died, leaving only his collection of over 500 clocks.

    His nephew is now busy, trying to wind-up the estate.



    Some advice if your name is Andre, don't end your texts with an x.

  • HelenP
    HelenP Member Posts: 22

    love the Andre one! brilliant! Helen.

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551
    edited 16. Mar 2020, 11:55

    Thanks Helen xxx

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.


    'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'


    'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'


    'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'


    'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'😀

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551

    Dr. Kirby was very tired so he got his wife to answer the phone by the bed,to say he was out, and give advice which he whispered to her.

    "Thank you very much, Mrs. Kirby," said the patient who called, "But I would like to ask you one thing. Is that gentleman who seems to be in bed with you fully qualified?" 

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,551
    edited 18. Mar 2020, 13:57

    They say 40 is the new 30. I just wish they would tell speed cameras that.

    Middle age is when you want to get up and give your seat to a lady, but can't find the energy.

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