for trish as requested

mellman01

Firstly get it right the cane and able has now been renamed Razzles OK!!, also I must inform you the whole thing was just a mass hallucination fiendishly triggered by fat Kev and Bernard using said garden gnomes as LSD dispensing sprayers, the moment they clocked all the fed’s running around they unleashed my secret weapon on you all HA HA HA!!!,Oh yes you all feel into my trap!, by the time you have all come round I will be on a flight to the island of£$%&**?@!, well do you think I was about to tell you all?, no I’m already sipping a nice G & T whilst having my every need attended to by Cheryl Cole and Kyle while Simon Cowl is playing with his joy stick up front,(no Chinese pilot jokes you lot ) oh yes don’t ever try and get one over on Mr Stringsmeller I’m far to clever for you mere mortals.
Today Razzles tomorrow Amals kebab and off licence!!??. Right Kyle just one more rub down with the sporting times and don’t spare the elbow grease, oh and Cheryl how many more times do I have to tell you don’t talk with your mouth full it’s not lady like!.

dreamdaisy

You been on the meths again mell? DD

mellman01

dreamdaisy wrote:

You been on the meths again mell? DD

No DD it's all true!?, wibble*&%$£ Burp hic?.

frogmorton

dreamdaisy wrote:

You been on the meths again mell? DD

DD

It IS a worry isn't it?

:roll:

Toni xx

mellman01

Why worry Toni, just jump in flip on ya back and float down stream!, come on in the waters lovely!, hic burp gurgle!!!!.

frogmorton

Ok

valval

no way is cane and able changing its name no way . right girls rolling pins out lets get him val

frogmorton

Sleeves up?

dreamdaisy

Leave the mellman alone! He'll wobble off soon and will have forgotten all about this (who wobbled off on Saturday and forgot all about Sunday). DD

frogmorton

A statement by Alan D Lord
Owner of the Cane and Able Gastro Pub and Arhur’s Wine bar

Friends, Romans and Country men, lend me you money I can’t spend your ears! (Wasn’t that a line from a Carry on Film?)

I have been asked to speak to you by Chief Inspector Rod Sprockett on a subject which many of you will know to be of the very highest importance to the very survival of of this forum we love so well.

I am here to tell you of a threat-an insidious poison which is eating at the at the very fabric of this thread like a flesh-eating, poisonous thingie. A thread , which we, the patrons of the Cane and Able, have done so much to create. This is a threat more deadly than Al Qaeda, more evil than an Iranian Ayatollah, more mendacious than the French and more cynically self-serving than a an ex MP claiming Parliamentary Privilege I speak, my friends, of the sin of going OFF TOPIC! (shock and horror from the audience)

I can understand your shock. I know you all have gnomes and snails in your street, perhaps even in your own gardens—friendly little fellows with wheelbarrows full of plants cradling quaint fishing rods in their gnarled hands. , snails that leave slime trail on your path and that pleasant crunching noise when you step on them,
But what have the to do with THE EGG I ask?? Where is the last egg of the 7 Eggs of Destiny?
How can this loss threaten us?’ I hear you ask. And I answer, God bless you. You are the punters that I love—the people I am proud to pull a pint for and honoured to serve. Your tolerance of the gnome and snail in our midst is, at the same time, the defining virtue of the British character and our greatest weakness I say yes, embrace the lonely stranger, the weak and the oppressed. Feel in his pockets, see if he is worth turning over for a few bob. But I say also take care he is not a snake in the nest or a cuckoo in the woodpile. (what?)
How many snails are there? Do you know? I have discovered there are already twenty two snails for every man woman and child in England. Where are they all? You ask. Brothers and sisters—they are all around us! In every garden, by every lettuce patch, watching and waiting with their little slimy eyes
(Cries of 'lynch the evil buggers, but where is the Egg O‘ Alan!' from Jordan at the rear of the auditorium)
Do not be fooled by the Bunker babes who want nothing better than for all of us to keep a snail in our home whilst they hold evil and un Brtish Acts with The Egg that THEY HAVE STOLEN!!!. The Egg is being subjected to the most appalling depravities during which every conceivable perverted act is perpetrated upon his ovoidness, (I made that up you know!) this talk of snails and gnomes is a distraction an OFF TOPIC designed to distract us from finding and returning the EGG to the bosom of his family behind the bar of the Cane and Able

So I say to enough chitter chatter about Snails and rosy cheeked Gbomes with fishing rods, lets us concentrate on the Return of The Last Of The 7 Eggs of Destiny, I say unto you, lets us send a cry forward out into this land of ours ‘ Cry Haddock and release the Cods of War, send for the Deadly Duo, Mell Man and Dell Boy,


Crowd erupts into angry shouts, a Snail like effigy is spontaneously produced from a large holdall with some ‘well fancy finding that here’ petrol. The effigy is burnt, someone spills petrol on his foot; there is a lot of running about and general panic.

Alan D Lord continues,

I beg you, brothers and sisters, not to take the law into your own hands. These simple measures are enough. There will be no need for you to use the pile of baseball bats behind the bar to go on a wild rampage destroying snails in revenge for the sufferings of the Last of the 7 Eggs of Destiny. Show these Snails good British tolerance one more time. Stop in the pub on the way home, have eight pints of ‘Olde Wifebeater’ and talk about this OFF TOPIC plot. Then, if you still feel like kicking the crap out of them—well try not to get caught.
Good night posters of the forum. God bless you. God bless the Queen.
Thank you.

( a roar of applause and excited hand clapping erupts from a guy in a beige cardigan in the third row)

valval

i am going to get him a pink cardigan fed up with the boaring one lol

joanlawson

Hi Toni

Think I've read that somewhere already :!: :!: :roll: ( see back a page :!: )

joanlawson

QUICK, send for Chief Inspector Rod Sprockett, or the man in the beige cardigan, or Fat Kev, or Alan D Lord, or even a gnome or a snail :!: :!: The Cane and Able will ever more remain so ( Razzles indeed :!: :roll: ) And what about the Egg of Destiny :?: What about it :?: I hear you ask. Has anyone seen it :?: Does anyone know where it is :?: Oops, I think I've just seen it :!:

valval

you are both amazing must be telepathy lol. great minds and all that val

trisher

Right

Rounded up the Bunker Babes ready for inspectio,

joanlawson

you are both amazing must be telepathy lol. great minds and all that val

Most definitely, Val :!:

joanlawson

trisher wrote:

Right

Rounded up the Bunker Babes ready for inspectio,

I'm round enough already, Trish :shock:

trisher

Bunker Babes .

valval

trisher wrote:

Right

Rounded up the Bunker Babes ready for inspectio,

ready and willing to fight to the death or bed time any way lol got me rolling pin ready it got dints in it from practicing on oh head

trisher

Never mind Joan

Sit at the back you won't be noticed.

Val

Mind my brolly :shock:

joanlawson

Never been a shrinking violet, Trish,

Count me in at the front :!: :!:

trisher

Ah Here comes 'Annie and Julie I knew they would get here some how.

valval

right am ready do you like the out fit

trisher

I knew you was not Joan Change into your unifrom.

snowball

Trish I'm just warming up.

Julie