I am my own worst enemy

LignumVitae

I really am. I took to heart a comment from my dearest mother - she said if I sat around doing nothing I would become a cabbage. It was all I needed to feed the fire of my guilt about how arthritis affects those around us, particularly the girls. I started to push myself again and I pushed and pushed until I dissolved once more into a heap of pain and nasty gnarly swollen joints. I expect no sympathy. I just want to record that I am my own worst enemy and I should deal with my arthritis, not what other people think I should do and not my guilt, just the pain and the swelling and the soreness, just on getting those better and getting by. Tegen has a horrible throat infection and wants nothing more than to sit on me and sleep. Summer is happy running around waving a baby wipe and an envelope singing to me. The dog walker has taken the dogs for a good run. I could have been living on this limited approach for days and I might feel ok as it is I was manic and I finish my steroids tomorrow so from now on I must be by own best friend. I need to start learning lessons and not fighting against things, especially not because of something somebody else said. Other people can have their opinions, I don't need to listen, I just need to sort myself out.

Slosh

It is hard, especially when it's your Mother. I know the feeling of wanting to push through,I struggle with it as I was brought up not to give in to things and to always try and do that bit more. It must be even harder for you with your twins to look after, as young children are demanding how ever much you love them. Guilt has to be one of the most destructive emotions, but one I think we all have at times, my daughter is 22, has two boys and some as yet undiagnosed health issues and I often feel guilty I can't help her as much as I'd like. Try to let go of the guilt, and try although I know how hard it can be to stand up to your Mum, I'm so sorry she isn't more supportive or understanding. Hope your poorly one gets better soon and that she doesn't share her germs.

stickywicket

(((()))) What can I say, LV? There are some who are born to be cabbages, some have cabbagehood thrust upon them and some who, because of who they are and their fighting spirit, can never ever turn into cabbages no matter how green and round and curly and wet and limp and overcooked they may feel. Have I made myself clear? You are not a cabbage: you are an exhausted, flaring arthritic Mum of two adorable and frighteningly energetic toddlers.

When we are our natural selves we can deal with our mothers and all other self-appointed expert advisers. When we are in pain, yet again, with no immediate prospect of not being, but still with no choice as to looking after those two bundles of delighted, delightful and scary energy, life becomes a bit different. We doubt. Anything and everything but mainly ourselves. We lose, day by day, pain by pain, our natural and carefully reinforced defences against advice that is loving, caring bilhooks. And in it floods compounding the pain.

Believe in yourself, LV. You know what's best for you. You are not, never were, never will be the swooning, spineless damsel who enjoys ill-health and laps up the sympathy like nectar from the gods. You are a strong person with a strong mind in a frankly rubbishy body and your mother, with the best will in the world, is clueless about how stuff is for you. As for guilt? Chuck it. It's the most useless emotion in the world. Ask yourself what you really want / need and, toddlers permitting, go with that. Be your own best friend. I repeat (((())))

dreamdaisy

I concur with every word of Sticky's reply. DD

mig

I agree too LV ,you ARE amazing and supportive of others.(((()))) Mig

Slosh

Just wondering how you, and the twins are today. Thinking of you

dreamdaisy

I've been pondering your mother's comment; mothers are both our friends and our enemies. I know mine was, she was very happy for me to use aids etc. whilst stubbornly refusing to do so herself. 'I'm not as bad as you,' was one of the more cutting remarks; she couldn't see herself as others saw her.

I take it yours does not have arthritis or 16 month-old twins to care for. You do and you cope remarkably well. 'Nuff said. DD

stickywicket

((())) I hope both you and Tegan are OK.

LignumVitae

Thank you everyone - I don't think I would make much of a swooning limp cabbage, far too dull an existence. I think my mum loves (think? Know) to be in control of anything and everything she can gain control over so to be charitable she probably doesn't like the lack of control that comes with arthritis. This is a woman with severe skin allergies that are caused by plants and when things are bad continues to garden and wonders why she is a sore red itchy mess. As I don't want to be the arthritic equivalent of that I have to do the opposite and not let guilt make me follow suit. I copied my post above and gave it to Mr LV. He is now policing me and that helps (in a slightly annoying way) because I don't always recognise what I do and why I do it. Maybe with a bit of help I will learn and that will stop the guilt.

As for my poor little Tegen, we've been back to the GP as her fever has dropped but other symptoms are worse. She is also dehydrated and won't drink. I have until 3pm to rehydrate her or it's a drip. She's spark out on me and I'm sneakily dribbling water in her mouth with a syringe. My mum has taken Summer away, it keeps my mum busy and focuses her mind on something other than unhelpful comments! Thank you all for such kind words. I'm practicing behaving, Tegen is keeping me very still!

bubbadog

Ditto to everything that has been said from Sticky, mig & DD!! Don't listen to others remember your you and only you knows how you feel! Don't beat yourself up, your an amazing mother to twins who also has to live with ill health that's pretty amazing!!

Slosh

Genius idea to get your Mum to look after Summer, you know they will both be having a lovely time and it keeps your Mum out of your hair!
So sorry to hear Tegan is still so poorly and keeping fingers crossed she starts to respond soon. It's always so frightening when little ones are ill and every Mum feels so helpless.
Glad your OH is keeping an eye on you, just don't try to do too much when he's not around, although it sounds as though you have your hands full at the moment.

villier

(((((LV))))) (((((Tegan))))) I have been away and just seen this, I totally agree with everything everyone has said. I am keeping my fingers crossed you manage to hydrate the wee one.............tc...................Marie xx


some spare one for (((((Summer)))))

LignumVitae

I didn't manage to hydrate her so we ended up being admitted for observation. I'm so glad we were because I never stood a chance at trying, she has scarlet fever by coincidence the GP had swapped the antibiotic this morning to the right one to treat it. Whilst we were at hospital it seemed to go into a crisis phase, she was covered in a raised red rash that spread before your eyes and her tongue swelled up (which was why she wouldn't drink for me). An NSAID spray has taken the worst swelling down in her mouth and the third dose of antibiotic started to kick the worst of the scarlet fever in to touch. She was discharged with an option to go back any time for the next 24 hours and is now asleep in my arms. Meth day was today so Summer and I are at risk of catching it but we know what to look out for and what to do if it happens so hopefully there won't be a repeat of this very sad and scary situation.

I'm sore and tired now but sometimes that doesn't matter. My little one will be ok and I can get back to lounging about tomorrow.

mig

Kids .Hugs to all of you but extra ones for you LV. Mig

Slosh

Must have been scary but I'm so glad to hear that she seems to be on the mend. Hope she doesn't share with you or Tegan

stickywicket

Oh LV, how horrible! I hope the corner has been well and truly turned. (((())))

dreamdaisy

Oh ye gods! Poor little one and poor mummy too. Be very vigilant LV, please, and I hope that things improve for everyone very soon. ((( ))) DD

Boomer13

I was coming back to post about your mum and cabbages, then I saw that your little girl is sick. I am sorry. I hope she is feeling a little better now and you and Summer avoid getting scarlett fever ((((((()))))). Terrible! Hang in there.

Starburst

Oohhh LV, sorry I missed this. Poor you and poor little Tegen. Love her name by the way, very lovely! Wish her a speedy recovery. Lots of rest for her and you this weekend, yes? ((((gentle squishes))))

stickywicket

((())) I'm thinking of you both.

villier

My internet has been down but have been thinking of you all very much, I hope things are a bit better all round in the LV household (((()))) to you all........................Marie xx

LignumVitae

Thank you all. Tegen is making good progress and has started to eat and drink again. She even had a tantrum yesterday which, for once, I took as a good thing! She's still spotty and has periods of screaming discomfort but much better. I'm tired and very sore but that's no surprise really. We are aiming for a quiet week this week! Summer seems to be unaffected so I'm hoping she is immune.

stickywicket

I hope so too and, yes, I think the tantrum was a good thing :roll: I can't imagine what this is doing to your joints. I can only send some ((()))

Numptydumpty

I'm pleased things are getting better for Tegan. It's so hard when little ones are poorly, we feel so helpless.
Remember to take care of yourself as well.
((((()))))
Numpty

LignumVitae

Thank you both...it was inevitable really that I would spend all of last night dealing with a fevered and fractious Summer. I took her to the GP this morning and she confirmed that she has the early symptoms of Scarlet Fever so I now have two little Miss Scarlets. Hopefully, as she has received treatment so early it will be far less dramatic than with Tegen. Tegen continues to improve as signified by her running away shouting at the sight of me with the antibiotic syringe and by her poor sister spending yesterday afternoon with a perfect imprint of Tegen's five teeth on her arm. Apparently, the yellow submarine toy was not for sharing.

I'm lion weary and beyond sore, my joints hate me. I might be working at being my own friend but scarlet fever certainly isn't my friend. I shall now investigate how you get hearing that switches off between the hours of 11pm and 5.30am like Mr LV seems to have. My only satisfaction of the last 12 hours is being able to say 'I told you so' to him after he told me this morning I was being paranoid and that Summer was fine despite being as white as a sheet and as still as I have ever seen her.

Slosh

You poor thing, any Mother would be shattered, let alone one with all that you have to deal with. Thank goodness you got Summer diagnosed early so hopefully it will be less severe for her and she will soon be on the way to recovery. As for Mr LV I think it's a genetic thing that Mums are programmed to hear crying babies. Just hope you manage to miss the fever.