I am my own worst enemy

Slosh

Hope you feel a bit better for your rest yesterday. How are things today?

dreamdaisy

Right, having been away and losing wifi thanks to a lightning strike I have read back, caught up and agree with everything everyone has said. Mums of one toddler sometimes cannot cope but you ended up with two at the same time - guaranteed trouble, methinks. I daresay your thinking patterns run along the lines of twins first, Mr LV second, cooking, running the house, work, ignoring mum, shopping and so the list goes on until we eventually find 'me'. Shove yourself to the top of the list, ignoring mum second then everything else as listed.

You are not there as a convenience to the docs - 'Oh that's OK, shove LV back to the bottom of the appointment lists, she won't mind' - they are there for yours. Personally I wouldn't take the twins as a visual aid (far too distracting and entertaining) but I would take a film of them so they can both see and hear what you are up against. Of course you can recognise in them what you can't in yourself - we are all wise for others. DD

LignumVitae

Thank you all. My rest on Saturday did help a bit but I then was awake most of saturday night and last night hurting. On top of that my brother and nephew are over from America and we spent the afternoon with them. My nephew is two and, frankly, terribly behaved so there was lots to do policing the girls from being bullied. He didnt understand the concept of sharing which obviously the girls have to and they didn't understand the concept of not sharing so were flumoxed by him. There are lots of parenting manuals gone into his development and none into theirs. I know what I shall continue to do. Things are pretty dreadful and my elbow seems to be getting worse at pace. I always find when a new joint joins in it takes a while to adapt and get used to doing things differently, it also makes you realise how much you use a joint because it is suddenly highlighted for you. I can do lots of things minimising the effort in lots of joints but your elbow? Impossible not to use, especially for picking little ones up.

DD - spot on. I do seem to have forgotten about myself. I am good at putting myself down the list. I have a friend who almost shouts at me regularly that I need to be more selfish. I see her point now! I will start when the girls and Mr LV come home later. He's working and they are with my Mum suffering my nephew again. I will keep practicing being selfish too because it's a skill that would probably help me.

Slosh

It is very hard to be selfish and put yourself first, I think it is something all women and particularly Mothers struggle with. Often easier said than done but the key thing is if you don't put yourself first sometimes you are less able to look after others.
Parenting manuals..two books my Mother outlawed, medical encyclopedias as you woukd just diagnose yourself with every illness going, and parenting handbooks as she maintained it was common sense, every parent is going to make mistakes and that tbe aim of a good parent was to make yourself redundant as you should bring up your children to be independent.

Good luck with being selfish and good luck dealing with your nephew, a very difficult situation.

stickywicket

Elbows are utter asterisks when they kick in There's no relief from the pain plus, as you say, they are so useful. You can, these days, actually buy elbow supports cheaply on that broad S. American river site and it might be worth a shout.

Having family around when you are as you currently are must be a nightmare, as are slightly older children, especially a 2 yr old in utterly strange surroundings.

I think you might have to just bite the bullet and occasionally say “Right. That's me finished for an hour or two. Someone else must take charge.” Some give in easily, LV. Others have to be bullied into taking time out. I am getting my boxing gloves out as I type

dreamdaisy

Selfish? Nuh-uh, necessary. Your girls need their mummy to be the best she can (and that does not mean her grinding herself into the ground making cakes to give away just to prove that she is 'coping' ) so it's time to find ways to ensure that you all have rests and that life is lived at slightly less than 100 miles per hour - can S & T pretend to be tortoises? The last one to reach the sweetie on the other side of the room is the winner! (spot who doesn't have children :roll: ) DD

Slosh

Sleeping lions is a great game, until children work out they are being conned! Used to play it a lot when I taught nursery and reception classes to calm them down.

Lie down, keep still and quiet, winner is the last one to move.

And don't forget the baby sitter in tbe corner....the TV if there is something they like, put it on and repeat as needed. There are times when it is worth it and they can always cuddle up with you while watching if you feel up to it.

LignumVitae

Thank you all. I went for a bath yesterday on works time while I had the house to myself and nobody to make me feel I should get out of it. It was on Sticky's orders I decided! It was a total luxury and very relaxing. I managed to sleep all night which was another luxury and so far the girls are still snoozing. We are due for another round of noisy nephew today. I have decided we will be fashionably very very late so at least there is less of the mayhem and Mr LV will be joining us after he finishes work when I will leave him to referee. The girls were there yesterday and there was an incident with my nephew hurling a toy law mower at Summer's head. It missed luckily. I think I may play sleeping lions with them if he starts, that's a great idea Slosh! Sadly, the girls have no interest in the TV unless it is football. I can usually get them hooked on Peppa pig if I find it on YouTube on my phone and that means lots of cuddling too which is always a bonus. I'm going to try very hard to avoid Sticky's boxing gloves and do very little. Not sure how well I will manage but I'll give it a go

Slosh

Sounds like a plan.
Peppa pig, that will be on Friday in my house along with the wriggles (Australian children's music group) when my 4 year old Grandson comes on a visit. Luckily he likes sitting on my lap and cuddling.
Hope today goes well and stick to your guns, be strong.

stickywicket

I hope it's going as well as possible with the nephew. I seem to remember, at two, all my grandson was interested in was Thomas the Tank Engine. He'd play with that train set for hours. And make tunnels for it out of old kitchen rolls.

I think you're getting the hang of making some space in which to relax. I hope so. You need it and so do the girls.

stickywicket

How's things, LV? Need a few? ((()))

LignumVitae

Much needed, thank you Sticky. Things are not great. It's one of those flare days where you feel like you are wading through treacle and distant to the reality around you. I've got what absolutely needed to be done today completed and I'm hoping the girls will be happy tormenting the cat for entertainment for a bit so I can just be and not have to deal with anything other than just being. Once Mr LV comes in I might even disappear for a while and leave him to manage the circus (until the screams - probably his - draw me back downstairs).

stickywicket

How was is? Did it go to plan? Did you get at least some respite from the energy-full ones? How are you today?

barbara12

oh LV so sorry you are still struggling..hopefully you got some well earned rest after Mr LV came home..I had to laugh till the screams..Mr LVs..hope today is the day things start to feel a little better..(((()))xx

Slosh

Same here, you really deserve for things to start to improve. Hope you manage to get some rest over the weekend

LignumVitae

I managed about ten minutes last night before the shouts (all three of them) meant it wasn't worth trying to relax in the bath anymore. Things are pretty awful and it's got to the point where I just feel like this is how it will always be, that the hospital won't be able to help me, like Mr LV won't give me a break and like I should just find a way of coping, not sure how but there must be one.
I know, feeling sorry for myself but other than you lovely lot I'm not sure where to turn anymore. Mr LV is on shift all weekend so is off today and seems to be doing everything HE needs to do while I deal alone with everything and everybody else like I'll have to all weekend. The hospital won't even tell me what is next but I imagine more steroids and they aren't breaking the flare. Ho hum

stickywicket

Oh LV, this is not good enough, love, and things must change.

Your bloke is a good one but still, nontheless, a bloke. He doesn't really understand either arthritis or motherhood. Good blokes (and I have one) understand the bits you tell them when you tell them and then forget again.

You are not good at whinging about how bad things are but you must now learn quickly. Tell him. Tell him now, while he's there at home doing his blokey stuff. Tell him just how bad it all is and that you can't cope alone right now with HIS children. It's not his fault, or yours, that they got scarlet fever and it's no-one's fault that your brother and his brat have given you the week from hell BUT the girls are the responsibility of both of you not just the utterly clapped out, pain-filled one.

Get him on board and then he will help you fight your corner with rheumatology because, right now, you don't have the energy. They, too, must take responsibility and do their stuff. Things MUST change. (((())))

barbara12

LV we don't mind one bit, you never used to say much about how you was getting on, I have always admired you going through being pregnant and coming off your meds for the girls and now having to entertain and look after them every day...like SW says Mr LV is a bloke and they never quite get how hard things are with children, apart from you being in pain ..you do need to get through to him..not easy I know :roll: now the hospital I can only say shout and be heard and get through to them also, how much pain you are in..and I think you need more help off family just so you can get a good afternoon nap..wish I could help more ..but we are always here...(((()))) xx

Slosh

I have sent a pm but just wanted to second what Barbara and Sticky have said. Even today most men seem to see the day to day responsibility of parenting as the Mother's job while they do fun stuff.
As for your appointment, a while ago there was a TV advert, can't remember what for in which the parent had the toddler tantrum. Suggest you try this strategy at your appointment, might also work with MrLV, and after all if he sends you to your bedroom for time out you're not going to complain!

dreamdaisy

Oh strewth, spot the bloke. :roll: I reckon he thinks that of course the girls are your responsibility because you grew them and gave birth; OK, he had nothing to do with those processes but he triggered the conception and is their father. Your girls have two parents - he's doing the financial bit with working but where's the practical support for his gorgeous girls' gorgeous mother? :? My husband knows when he has to step into an unintended breach due to my not being able to carry on but coded marital text messages are involved. If you didn't have RA then yes, this behaviour could be a little more acceptable but you DO so it isn't.

Honey, sometimes we cannot cope and no matter how hard we push ourselves to discover new methods we find we're out of options. I know I shouldn't really comment on your situation as I am deliberately childless and don't have RA but I am concerned about you. We are here for you but we cannot do anything truly practical apart from listening. Like Barbara I wish I could do more. ((( ))) DD

villier

Oh LV you can't go on like this love, I'm afraid you are going to sit OH down and subtly give it to him on the chin he really needs to know exactly how it is. In my experience men walk about with blinkers on and see what they want to see you need this sorted now, you have plenty of tact and decorum I am sure you can sort this I hope so ((((()))))xx take care...................Marie x

LignumVitae

Thank you everybody. I sat him down, After a bit of defensiveness he has let his guard down and is even now folding washing and putting it away. I honestly can't remember when he last did that (I know it has happened because I couldn't find the girls clothes afterwards but I'll live with that). I think you all got it, he can do it when it's immediate but is very good at forgetting the second a discussion is no longer immediate.

We will see how long it lasts but for now at least this is something. My neighbour is a star and if she is free tomorrow I know she will come and help (she is amazing with the girls). I have also asked a friend to come over for a few hours on Sunday. If nothing else just another pair of hands for a while will help. Beyond making sure the girls are fed and clean and entertained I promise that will be all I do! No more throwing myself at it all and trying for more.

Thank you all, I'm not sure where I would be without you all. You are wonderful and really helping me in so many ways

Slosh

Sounds like a good plan for the weekend and well done for talking to your OH, it's never easy. Hope all goes to plan.

stickywicket

I think you've handled that very well indeed. I hope the weekend goes to plan because it sounds like a good plan.

I don't know if this will be of any help at all but next Friday we are driving up to Scotland to spend a long weekend with our son ie days with a very unarthritic 7 yr old :? evenings with wine, whisky and lots of great, funny, life-enhancing conversation and nights on a sofa bed I always like to spend the preceding day doing nothing except my exercises, packing, preparing a very simple meal and having a bath before bed., Mr SW (44 years of marriage, every one involving my arthritis) has just invited a friend for a meal the evening before we go :roll:

mig

I don't really know what to say to you LV I could write a page full of platitudes but they wouldn't help would they so I'm just sending hugs in the hope they might help just a little. Mig