Let's Just Do It

stickywicket

Far too many people are complaining of waiting too long to see GPs, consultants and physios and to have procedures such as steroid jabs.

Rather than whinge about this I propose we take matters into our own hands – or, indeed, any bits of us that function moderately well – by opening the Arthritis And Any Associated Rheumatological Grumps Hospital (The AAAARGH). Appointments will be immediate and, like the NHS, free at the point of delivery. This will be an equal opportunities hospital. Discrimination over disabilities will not be tolerated and no-one will be refused a job on health and safety grounds.

So, we will need enthusiastic volunteers to man / woman the consulting rooms, operating theatres, wards, x-ray and scanning machines, physio equipment etc etc. As we cannot wait 6 or 7 years to train docs or however many it takes to train physios and nurses, we will dispense with all that education nonsense and take a more hands on approach though, if applicants could highlight any useful skills they may have it would be helpful.

I would personally like to apply to be an orthopaedic surgeon. My qualifications are:

1. I've had so many joints put in / taken out I more or less know where the big ones go now.
2. So the little ones will be dead easy.
3. My husband has a workbench and power tools in the garage.
4. Like, I'm told, most orthopaedic surgeons, I'm good and inventive at swearing.

Can we have other volunteers before throwing the AAAARGH doors open?

prefabkid47

Hi sticky

I am more than happy to make any replacement joints you may need.

They may include haunched mortise and tenons,lap dovetails or scarf joints (I have a GCE in woodwork!).Really don't know if these or wooden joints are suitable but will be lighter than metal..... :shock:

May have to modify surgical procedures to accomodate these so could be a quick learning curve...........

Ron

Sharon2960

I'd like to offer my services as supervisor - apparently I'm good at organising/nagging (I prefer to think leadership skills!), please can I work part time? Thinking 11 til 1, maybe with an hour for lunch?

mig

I'd like to volunteer to do injections of any sort I used to play a bit of darts. Mig

dibdab

I'm good with children and my son is a paediatric registrar so I could mug up JIA in his heavy medical books in his bedroom then maybe I could run the children's ward? But I'm not too keen on blood so strictly post surgical work please.

Deb

Boomer13

I can be a rheumatologist. With only three prescriptions to choose from, how hard can it be? Will that be pred, methotrexate or a biologic?

dreamdaisy

Bagsy physiotherapist, please. I've had all kinds on many different bits. When the inevitable complaints start about increasing pain I shall reply 'And your point is?' or 'Pain equals gain but don't overdo it.' I will know that they won't have been doing their exercises between appointments (who does? You do? Strewth! :shock: )

I have a three of those long rubber bands (one of which is red and smells of strawberry), one of those complicated elasticated efforts which you hook over your feet and hands and wave your limbs around (yeah, right) and three of those squeezy balls you use for hand exercises; I could also pinch Mr DD's bike from the garage. The gym is equipped! DD

stickywicket

How wonderful! I go to bed, have a good night's sleep and wake up to find the hospital well on its way with such enthusiastic volunteers.

Prefabkid – I'm sure wooden joints will be fine. Just try to eliminate any knots and splinters as far as possible. I love the idea of 'haunched mortise and tenons,lap dovetails or scarf joints'. I've no idea what they are and a bit of mystique always goes down well in the medical world.

Sharon – You will supervise – at hours convenient to you. We don't want anyone overdoing things at AAAARGH. Rest periods will be essential.

Mig – injections are not normally hurled at the patient but, who knows, it could prove a better method. The stabbings are yours.

Dibdab – children's medical it is for you. Don't do too much reading. 'Heavy medical books' sound a bit too much like physio. We don't want you damaging anything. Use your initiative. You'll be fine.

Boomer – Oooh please! We really should have several rheumatologists as that is the purpose of the hospital but, as you seem to have everything sorted so wonderfully neatly, I think you'll cope brilliantly by yourself.

DD – I can hear the enthusiasm in your post – so vital for physios. How often have they, enthusiastically, put us all through torture? I think your covert but innate sadism will be invaluable here. Your bands might also come in handy for tying patients up while mig is throwing hypodermics at them.

An excellent start. Thank you all you wonderful volunteers. I declare the AAAARGH open for business. (But please keep volunteering.)

bubbadog

As I've seen it many a time and joke I have my own bed in there I would like to be a Dr in the A & E department!! :valentine:

barbara12

I always wanted to be a nurse ,and would love to work in theater and hold the patents hands and pass all the instruments to the surgeon..and after in recovery I would be there to reassure them..that they might come across mig..

prefabkid47

Sharon2960 wrote:

I'd like to offer my services as supervisor - apparently I'm good at organising/nagging (I prefer to think leadership skills!), please can I work part time? Thinking 11 til 1, maybe with an hour for lunch?

Sharon

Got to have admin staff............ :roll:

Will get you a clipboard and some sheets of paper,so you can walk up and down the corridors looking busy...............

Ron

Sharon2960

Ooh Ron, please can I have coloured paper?

prefabkid47

Sharon2960 wrote:

Ooh Ron, please can I have coloured paper?

You can have any colour you like as long as it is white (but can supply you with some crayons)!
Am trying to economise on paper usage.Any ideas should be sent to me (in triplicate please)............ :?
Ron

applerose

I watched some operations on tv quite a few years ago. Looked easy enough. And I've been doing jigsaws since Xmas so I'm sure I could manage joint replacements.

GraceB

I'd like to volunteer to be the happy, smiley person who takes you to theatre for your surgery. Theatre Technician? I've seen enough of them over the years I think to be able to replicate the wonderful job they do putting apprehensive patients at ease.

Being someone who hates doing nothing, I'd also like to volunteer to make the drinks for the patients when they return to the ward. That first drink you have after surgery always tastes like nectar and I've been told in that I make wonderful coffee ...

GraceB

stickywicket

Splendid offers, everyone

Bubbadog – May I sugest you are a doc not in A&E as this is a purely rheumatological hospital so there won't be an A&E. We don't want the system clogged up with coronaries, strokes and drunks – well, apart from arthritic drunks.

Barbara – I think you would be an enormously reassuring presence in the presence of mig. Your bullet proof vest is on its way.

Sharon / Ron – Oooh he's hard, isn't he? Ron, in addition to providing the wooden prostheses could you also organise funding? I'm sure you'd sqeeze the most out of everyone and everything. Maybe we could recycle some of the prostheses too.

Applerose – another surgeon will be essential. Surely anyone who can do a jigsaw can do a TKR. Just so's you know – there shouldn't be any green bits.

GraceB – a two-job volunteer. Brilliant. If you wish to stay happy and smiley try to avoid mig. I confess my first drink after surgery is usually water which I tend to bring back. I think, with our surgeons and prostheses we could have some very sick post-op patients. You and Barbara will be vital.

Crikey, we're almost ready for the victims. Sorry, patients. How's everyone feeling today

mig

Been practicing with my left hand ( can't hold the dart with right)another half hour or so should do it. :shock: Mig

Boomer13

I'm ready with my bucketful of prednisone.....

Whi

Love it I think I'd make a good nurse so long as we cold have a good old chin wag lol. Yvonne X

daffy2

Have you got AAAARGHas in the kitchen? If so I'll volunteer for cooking duties as I've always fancied having a go on one.

prefabkid47

Funding will be no problem (I have a cunning plan!).

I shall apply for AAAARGH be granted charity status (can't see that being refused,if open a privately funded hospital the government can shut a publicly funded one)............ :x

Once granted,shall request foreign govenments to include our charity in their 'overseas aid' programmes.
The purpose of the charity will be to reduce pain and suffering in the UK.

May get some assistance from the private sector e.g catering to be carried out by one of our quality breweries (in return they will be allowed to supply and advertise their real ales).This will be an improved version of 'Water Aid' (to be known as 'Beer Aid).......

Ron
(any other suggestions :?: )

dreamdaisy

I love the thought of AAAARGHs in the kitchen! Thank you, Daffy, for providing the first smile of the day.

If anyone is turning up for physio today be warned. I am not to be trifled with (or blancmanged, ice creamed or meringued). Nightmare Cat paid me another visit last night, it's a relatively new overnight visitor, it curls up on me and then slowly digs in every single claw it possess into varying painful joints until I wake up. Foul moglet. :x DD

mig

Anyone want to volunteer to be my first victim sorry patient I have numerous types of jabs ready to go ,some tried and tested others not passed for humans well you never know they MIGHT work ,please form an orderly queue and Sharon will take your name and history. Mig

stickywicket

So mig's chucking arm and Boomer's bucket of pred are on standby. Daffy has kindly volunteered to cook us proper meals instead of plastic ones and, rather than the boring, unhygienic water jug by every bed, Ron has negotiated real ale. (Stop squabbling. You can't ALL be bartenders.) And Yvonne is going to be that old-fashioned treasure – the nurse who stops to chat to the patients.

With our resident physio in pain and our resident stabber in gleeful anticipation maybe no-one should be directed towards both today. One or the other.

Does anyone have a copy of Surgery for Dummies by H. Lecter? I seem to have mislaid mine.

dreamdaisy

I borrowed it, I thought I'd left a note? I like the beans but not the Chianti and surgery bit. In the tradition of English A level questions about the set text I suggest this poser:

'Surgery for Dummies' mentions Chianti, a form of Italian red wine. It's generally thin and lacks flavour so why does it exist? Discuss.

I think every hospital needs Ron to provide the bedside beverages but I know from experience that the best hospital cuppa ever is the one that is provided after any kind of required fasting or operational procedure. I suggest we lay in generous supplies of Happy Shopper Tbags, UHT semi-skimmed milk and claggy sugar (for those who require sugar). If this encroaches upon Daffy's territory then I apologise.

Physiotherapy is open for business because I'm in the mood for revenge. DD

prefabkid47

Haven't got a copy of 'Surgery for Dummies'.But did come across my copy of 'Teach Yourself Surgical Procedures and Joint Making'.This was from my school days when studying for O'level biology and woodwork.
I think it reasonably up to date (priced 2/6d label inside).Reading the book has reminded me to order the chloroform and leeches.Must also get some smelling salts in case any of you lady surgeons should suffer 'the vapours' during carrying the op...........
Ron