Feeling Ashamed?

cassieinez

Hi there, I found out I have osteoarthritis a year ago and have been dealing with chronic pain since then, I do think my weight along with genetics (my dad has had two knee replacements in his 50s) has added to it. I have to use a walking stick and, am always in some degree of pain. - some days are better than others. I have also lost almost 3 stone to try and help with the pain - i haven't noticed a significant difference tbh!

I am just dealing with so much shame around this and wondering if anyone else can relate.

I am 35, and now use a walking stick every time I go out. I am going to a family friend's party this Saturday - lots of people I haven't seen in several years and I just feel so much fear that I will be judged. I am also single and want to date but again, but feel so embarrassed about having to use a walking stick - who is going to want to go out with someone who walks with limp and needs a walking stick? I know I wouldn't judge someone for this, but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.

I have recently had two people (one colleague, one beauty therapist) make flippant comments about me being like a granny due to having a stick. I know they didn't actually mean to hurt my feelings, and probably didnt really think about what they were saying, but these comments stay with me for days and make me feel awful.

I suppose I am just hoping to hear from others who understand how I feel. I really struggle with shame and embarssment about having a condition that is associated with the elderly and then being judged for needing a mobility aid. It's really been getting to me today.

Anna

Hello @cassieinez,

First of all, I want to say that I think you’re doing great for going out to social occasions and getting ready to date again and also for losing 3 stone, all the while being in pain a lot of the time - that really shows grit and determination! Using a stick is one of the ways you are able to get out and achieve what you want to achieve. We judge ourselves much more harshly than others judge us - most people will glance at the stick, feel a little curious maybe, but be far more interested in you as a person.

It’s been a while since I was as young as you, but I do remember feeling embarrassed about using a walking stick when I was in my 20’s and was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I think I compensated for my embarrassment by wearing colourful clothes and a bit more make up a lot of the time. It made me feel more confident and I just used to try to ‘own it’ if you know what I mean. I’ve seen some really beautiful sticks about nowadays too - if you have a quick google search you’ll see that several companies now make quite unusual and modern sticks. Perhaps you could look for one, or even decorate your own? Another alternative is to use a walking pole - they are more associated with sport and activities and might make you feel less self-conscious.

We have a few young people who drop in to the forum from time to time - I hope they get in touch to give you some words of support.

All the very best, Anna ( Moderator)

Trish9556

Hi @cassieinez

I'm sorry you feel so down and wish I could give you a big hug. Although I am an 'old granny' and 68 I am a nutty Nanna :)

Congratulations on the weight loss! That is really impressive and if you can keep it up, you will feel better just looking in the mirror :-)

Although many see Arthritis and its different forms as something that old people get, it is something that also affects many young people of all ages, including young children, so you are not alone. It might be worth speaking with your GP to see if there is a local support group you can join.

I felt awful for to read about the flippant comments and I would suggest that if somebody says something like that again, to politely and calmly tell them that it's not a lifestyle choice and you would rather not be in constant pain and feeling old before you time but you are living, or trying to live, the best life you can and that to do that you need people around you who understand and support you, who you are underneath the pain and who will be there when you need it. Hopefully they will understand and support you - if they don't, they're not worth your time and you deserve better people around you.

Go to the party tonight and enjoy yourself - treat yourself to something newn to wear, bling up your stick and own it, even if it is with some crepe paper streamers, put your party face on and if you're a fan of the brightest red lippy, wear it, own it. You can still dance, use your sticks as a fashion accessory and even if you're just swaying from side to side, you will feel better. I have recently undergone surgery for a shiny new hip and all the way through my pain my grandchildren encouraged me to get up and dance on our gaming device - it wasn't pretty but it made me feel good.

I hope you have a lovely time, true friends will love you regardless of your Arthritis and in this group, you are never alone.

Love n hugs

Trish xx

Ajagpd

Hi @cassieinez,

I'm 31, I don't use a walking stick but I'm finding with my knees the way they are it takes me longer to get places and I often can be a little unstable, i hobble, wobble and limp and use walls and things to steady myself at times.

I used to really push and over exert myself to the point I'd be holding back tears because I was like oh people are going to think I'm putting it on or not believe me because of my age. I still sometimes struggle to listen to my body because it gets so frustrating not being able to do what you want to because you're in pain and so tired. Its really hard!

For me the main thing was reminding myself that I can only do and change what is within my control. Yes people might look or make sarky comments, but those aren't your people. There are plenty out there that will love and support you and go that little bit extra when you just can't. I know sometimes people will say things that sting, have a moment, have a cry, do what you need to, your feelings are valid, but never forget their opinions don't matter.

You're doing an amazing job, you're looking after yourself, losing three stone when mobility is an issue is a billion times more impressive than anything anyone making comments has done, so good for you!

Bad days are inevitable, but you've made it through them all so far and you'll keep on nailing it!

I hope you have a great time at the party and it lifts your mood!

Nurina

Hi @cassieinez I'm so sorry you feel like that. These comments can destroy us, can't they? I think people around feels more your embarrassment and fear of judgement than your limp. You are much more than a limp. Sometimes we need to radiate more light to compensate like @Anna says. I'm limping too so I always go out with "cool" clothes and shoes. My self esteem needs more than grey joggers and tousled hair. Use beautiful shoes and dress and chin up!. I'm sure you are an amazing gorgeous girl and you can take advantage of that. Maybe you'd need to work on how to love yourself first and people around you will change too. Big hugs

pollyana

@cassieinez just to say that I've also felt embarrassed about being unable to walk properly and wondering what others think of me. It's not easy and takes some adjustment. I've not fully got my head around it…I think I've been trying to pretend it's not happening….I've even used nordic walking poles to try and avoid a single stick. So that's how vain I am !

I admire you for getting out and carrying on and as and losing 3 stone is an incredible achievement (I'm still wrestling the emotional eating). The thoughtless comments are very hard and you're kind to say they didn't think about what they were saying.

Bear with me but I had a thought - going through this and coping with others thoughtless comments, I can't help thinking you might one day be able to support others in a similar position .You're in inspiration (maybe you can't see it atm but you are)- carrying on with your life….keep your head held high..and be super kind to yourself.

Sending you a hug

daveh1980

I 100% know how you feel using a stick. I'm 44, and currently still refusing to use a stick, out of embarrassment. I walk with a bad limp, in pain. You have more self esteem and confidence to use a stick than me and should be proud of yourself for that. No reason not to meet a partner even with a stick, and you will know they have a good heart without finding it out later. Seeing old faces at a party shouldn't make you ashamed but proud of what cards you have been dealt and look at me I'm still getting on with life.

Good luck and keep smashing it!