The weekend from hell

Hello Ouch
This is an awful situation I looked after my father when he had brain tumors and he ..was quite aggressive its horrible when you dont know which way to turn..and being poorly yourself make matters so much worse..there comes a time when you cant do any more , your mum needs proper help and I think that social services should be contacted..not easy I know ... but I think the time has come...if only for your sanity....I had help from the hospice or I wouldn't have coped..you take care and I hope you get some help very soon xx

I agree with the others, ouch. It might be hard. I'm sure it will be. But your mother has mental health issues which are not going to get better, at least without help. The situation can only deteriorate, as will your own health, to the point where something has to be done but you will be in a far worse state for doing it. Bite the bullet now. But maybe first talk to your brother. I know you don't get on and he doesn't seem interested but you never know. He might agree. Better to have him on board. Even if he doesn't agree he'll have to offer an alternative suggestion.

Oh dear well I wasn't expecting miracles obviously but thanks for updating.

My sympathies are split here, not split between you in a 50/50 sort of way, but in having sympathy for you both in different ways. I can entirely understand your position and have had some similar experiences, although not exactly. I have had times when I have had to deal with parents who need but don't want help, whilst I was poorly myself & not really able to deal with it. And like you, I felt sorry for them, and in all honesty couldn't blame them for - in their shoes I would not have found the options open to me attractive either, & so couldn't really 'sell' them as such (inadequate social services; me not able to be at home with them or have them with me; possibility of having to go into a care home). And also like you, at one stage my mother did not appreciate fully her condition.

From everything you have described about your mum, she is clearly not in a 'normal' state of mind, even given that this is not a drastic change from her character in the past (it would seem). I can't put myself into her head of course but at best she is presumably feeling some of the usual fears of being old, living alone, not managing, etc. At worst there is something going on to cause extra confusion and irrational behaviour - it does not sound as though it is purely manipulative, because at the end of the day, emotionally hooking you into this current situation is only getting her so far. By which I mean, it doesn't sound as though she is 'coming the old soldier' and then enjoying the result hugely. I could be wrong but this can't really be fun for her, unless she really does just like to upset & manipulate people, full stop, but that sounds too simple. So I do feel sorry for her as her situation can't really be a happy one.

All of which doesn't help you with the problem of getting her some more help. A long time ago I read an article by a GP (and he didn't mean it callously) saying that the only way sometimes that the elderly end up getting help is by the inevitable fact that left alone, they have a fall or a situation that leads to some sort of intervention. Otherwise there is little you can do to force someone to accept help, if they are in their right mind, or have not had anyone assess them & advise a course of action. When I did have cause to call in social services, I mostly found that all they could really offer was to arrange a care package, paid for by us, which is what we already had in place by then. And if my parents hadn't agreed to that, as in the case of your mum, then as you say, no-one could have made them. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but unless you do literally force her to see a GP again - and the most you can do in that line is ask someone to call, & she would probably refuse to talk to them - you don't have much else to try. The only hope there would be a GP with a fantastic talent for handling the elderly & difficult, and I have known a few of those. Otherwise you sadly do seem to be in the position of wait for fate to take a turn, ie she becomes poorly enough to end up in hospital again, and you simply say you are unable to help through your own ill health - clearly the truth - then it becomes their problem. Unsatisfactory I know. You have my every sympathy.

That is a worrying development she is clearly going down the denial line all the way; deny you need medical help and 'it' will go away. Fear & stubbornness can be very strong motivators. The thing with drs as we all know, is that once you have been told something concrete about your condition, you can't un-hear it, she has probably also got an element of paranoia & 'you can't trust doctors anyway'. My mother was partly the same, a letter from the hospital or doctors was shied away from because while you don't know what's in it, it's all still ok or potentially ok. What I'm saying is that she probably rightly imagines that 'no good will come' of doctors being involved, and as a denialist myself I suspect I would take much the same tack. But refusing to go to the chemist for omeprazole is more extreme.. why try & avoid buying a simple over-the-counter med & say she would be 'telling lies'. So it's not just a simple case of the elderly refusing to accept unpalatable home truths. As far as things falling on deaf ears, it is probably just another denial mechanism. She will not want to hear you are ill, or it does not suit her for you to be, so she refuses to acknowledge that too. In sympathising with her I am not saying she is an innocent victim by the way, but at least some of her problems are not of her own choice, even up to a point her past behaviours, as they do seem to stem from a personality disorder to one degree or other, and we don't choose our own personality, even if in theory we can try & make improvements.
It appears that your suspicion she is misusing nsaid's is correct, from her symptoms - if they continue then some sort of emergency will arise anyway. you may find an emergency doctor has to become involved.