Have a laugh...again.

barbara12

Hi Ron
Oh how I needed a laugh today...Thank You again
Barbara x

rondetto

Hi Babs, you are a tonic to me too, thanks for liking my jokes.

rondetto

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.




A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

rondetto

A truck driver was driving along on the dualcarriageway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of petrol.'

rondetto

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

rondetto

Two drunks stumble out of a pub and are walking along the road. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

joanlawson

Hi Ron

Thanks for making me laugh See my Irish proverb thread.

Joan

rondetto

Yes, I've read that Joan.

rondetto

Two deacons pass each other on there bicycles every sunday on the way to do there sermon's

One sunday the one deacon see's the other walking and stopped to ask him what happen to his bike?He said:"Well I think one of the congragation stole it!"

"Well," said the other "You are on your way to do a sermon ,so do it on the 10 comandments and when you get to thou shalt not steal the lord will have them do the right thing and retrurn your bike!"

So the next week here they come both on there bikes,so they stopped to talk and the one deacon said: Did you do what we talked about?"
The other says: "Yes and when I got to the part about thou shalt not commit adultery,I remembered where i left my bike!"

rondetto

Pat and Mick were being shaved by the barber in the barber shop. The Barber started to put aftershave on Pats face.

"Don't put that stinkin" stuff on my face!" exclaimed Pat, "Me wife will think I smell like a brothel."

Then it was Micks turn. "You can put as much of that stuff on my face as you want. My wife doesn't know waht a brothel smells like."

rondetto

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Birkenhead Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for £10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and £10 is £10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its £10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but £10 is £10!"

rondetto

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the '****' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

rondetto

Bloke walks in a music shop and asks the assistant , do they sell mouthorgans, the assistant replies thats strange, we have just had o lady in here not more than ten minutes ago, asking for the same thing.
"That will be my sister our monica.."

rondetto

Bloke comes home from work. says to his wife.' a mate at work as just told me that the window cleaner haslept with every woman in this avenue bar-one."
His wife replies. ' that will be that miserable cow at number 10.......

rondetto

Monkey walking through the jungle, with a banana in one hand and a tin-opener in the other. a lion see's the monkey and says: "You don't need a tin-opener to open a banana."
Monkey replies.
"its not for the banana its for the custard....."

rondetto

Cricketer takes a bad fall and dislocates his shoulder. Taken to hospital, there's a fair bit of noise as nurse tries to relocate it.

"Come on, now. There's a woman down the hall has just given birth to a nine pound baby, and she didn't make half the fuss you are."

"That may as be, but you try putting it back and see how loud she gets!"

frogmorton

Der!!!!


Love em Ron



Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Bless you Toni, they make me laugh too, and I've heard them.

rondetto

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

rondetto

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Post Mortem, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Post mortem?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

rondetto

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

rondetto

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June, and left me £10,000." said the friend.
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single penny!"

rondetto

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty pounds," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60."
Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to £10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

rondetto

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

rondetto

Q. Why couldn't the sailors play cards?

A. Because the captain was sitting on the deck.