Have a laugh...again.

rondetto

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

rondetto

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a BMW." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"

rondetto

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You swine."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned swine." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that swine, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

ninakang

rondetto wrote:

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

I laughed and laughed at this one and had to hide it from my kids

Nx

rondetto

Aw Bless you. It's the way I tell em'

rondetto

At his daughter's wedding, Bill Clinton was asked: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
He replied: " I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?"

rondetto

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that flaming wall!"

rondetto

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

rondetto

Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in The Benidorm Palace." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

rondetto

A man calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labour!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"

rondetto

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

frogmorton

Oh Ron :roll:

Groan! Thanks though

Keep 'em coming

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Thanks Toni, glad you're enjoying them.
xxx

rondetto

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's. due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

rondetto

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.
One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull servicing one of his cows.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

rondetto

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage.
Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition."
The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"

rondetto

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."

rondetto

For my sons birthday we bought him an iPod. For my daughters birthday we bought her an iPhone and for my birthday I received an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines I bought my wife for her birthday an iRon - and that's where it all went horribly wrong..Ooops!!

rondetto

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.
She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

For my sons birthday we bought him an iPod. For my daughters birthday we bought her an iPhone and for my birthday I received an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines I bought my wife for her birthday an iRon - and that's where it all went horribly wrong..Ooops!!

HOW brilliant

a RON joke

You need to stick THI one on the 'new forum club' thread Ron

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Two blonde haired men named Bob and Ben go camping.
They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener.
Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!"
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben.
Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not going!"

rondetto

Q: At what time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A: A duck-filled-fatty-pus

Q: What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
A: "Let's quack this case!"

Q: What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
A: "I hope I didn't quack any!"

Q: What did the duck say when the waitress came?
A: Put it on my bill!

Q: What do ducks get after they eat?
A: A bill!

Q: What happens when a duck flies upside down?
A: It quacks up

Q: Where did the duck go when he was sick?
A: To the ducktor!

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
A: Because they would quack up!

Q: Why was the teacher annoyed with the duck?
A: Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!

Q: What does a duck get after he eats?
A: A bill

Q: What do ducks have with soup?
A: Quackers!

Q: What do ducks watch on TV?
A: Duck-umentaries!

Q: What do you call a duck with fangs?
A: Count Duckula!

Q: What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers!

Q: What happens when Donald Duck flies upside down?
A: He quacks up!

Q: What is a chick's favorite drink?
A: Peepsi!

Thank you :P

rondetto

One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I'll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where's the P, and Johnny responded it's running down my leg."

rondetto

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

Two blonde haired men named Bob and Ben go camping.
They pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer and set off. After two days of hiking, they arrive at a great spot but soon realize that they’ve forgotten to pack a bottle opener.
Bob turns to Ben and says: “You gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says Ben, "By the time I get back, you'll have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says Bob. "Just hurry!"
Five full days pass, and there's still no sign of Ben.
Exasperated and starving, Bob gives in to hunger and digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, Ben pops out from behind a rock and yells: "I knew it! I'm not going!"

NICE One RON

BLONDE BLOKE joke

Love

Toni xx