Have a laugh...again.
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honour! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up." 0 -
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing £50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for £30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny £15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror. 0 -
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying beggar told you I was speeding, too. 0 -
It is August in a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel.
He asks for a room and puts a 100 eruo note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.
The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 euros for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients, and lays the 100 euros on the counter.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 100 euros back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future. 0 -
Nice ones today Ron
Love
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni,
Ron
xxx 0 -
You can't beat a good chuckle
Thanks Ron0 -
3 co- workers are sitting in their staff room having lunch, 1st guy is indian, second mexican and third chinese... so they each tell each other what they have for lunch.. the indian says...my wife made me some chicken curry again!, look guys if she makes this tommorow again i am going to commit suicide ...
So the mexican goes my wife made me burittos again, you know what if she makes me burittos tommorow again im gonna commit suicide too!!!!!
Anxiously the chinese guy goes ok fine if i have chicken friend rice and dumplings tommorow too im gonna commit suicide my self as well!!!!!!!
They all shake hands and leave for home... the next day lunch time they all sit together and eat. The indian opens his lunch box and says LOOK! chicken curry BOOM takes a gun kills himself, the mexican opens it burittos! BOOM kills himself.,, finally the chinese opens his box and its chicken fried rice and dumplings.. BOOM he kills himself!!!
All three die.. later that week all the wives meet upp and cry and talk the indian wife says... if i knew he didnt like it i wouldn't have gave it to him.....the mexican goes if i known my husband didnt like burittos i wouldn;t have gave it to him either... still in confusion the chinese wife says " I DONT KNOW WHY MY HUSBAND KILLED HIM SELF , HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH!!!!!" 0 -
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." 0 -
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. 0 -
The 13 things that PMS stands for...
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Petty Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect 0 -
Glad you agree then. 0
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A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
Customer: How much is that duck?
Shopkeeper: Ten dollars.
Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?
Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.
Teacher: Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Little Billy: Must have been a duck.
Teacher: A duck?
Little Billy: Didn't you say there was a quack in it!
What time does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn! 0 -
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans.' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price. 'On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down." 0
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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. 0 -
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." 0 -
The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. 0 -
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!" 0 -
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 5.9 0 -
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained £5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained £10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained £25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring. 0 -
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last £100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!0 -
Oh very good Ron!!
I especially liked the swing one
LOve
Toni xx0 -
Good innit?
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I went to see my Doctor yesterday. I said: "Doctor, I've had this headache for a week now, I've been putting Stork margarine on my forehead for it."
"So," said the Doctor, "What's the matter then?"
"Well," I said, "I cant believe it's not better." 0
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