Have a laugh...again.

rondetto

3 SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a boot sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

rondetto

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

rondetto

Signs:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

rondetto

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARISE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETANT WRITINGMAKES HIGHLY ENTERTANING READING:

I saw a sad moving sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

I collided with a stationary truck coming in the opposite direction.

A truck backed through the windscreen into my wife’s’ face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed into the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprung up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other vehicle.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel.

I was on the way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I hit the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car…… and vanished.

I told the policeman I was not injured,
But on removing my helmet, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road, so I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run. So I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy, in a small car, with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

The accident was due to the man narrowly missing me.

I left my Austin 7 outside, but came out later, and to my amazement, there was an Austin 12.

To avoid collision, I ran into the other car.

There were plenty of on-lookers, but no witnesses.

The water in my radiator accidentally froze at midnight.

I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.

I collided with a stationary tree.

There was no damage done to the car, as the gatepost will testify.

The accident was due to the road bending.

The other man changed his mind, and I had to run into him.

I told the idiot what he was, and went on my way.

One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

A cow wandered into my car. I was later informed that the cow was half witted.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

I was taking a friend home, and keeping two yards from each lamppost, which were in a straight line.
Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road, bringing the right hand lamppost in line with the other, and of course, I landed in the ditch.

If the other driver had stopped a few yards in front of himself, the accident would not have happened.

I misjudged an old lady crossing the street.

Driving out of my driveway at 7am this morning I drove into a bus.
The bus was five minutes early.

I can’t give details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.

I blew my horn, but it did not work, as it had been stolen.

A lamppost bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

The car in front of me stopped suddenly, and I crashed gently into the bumper.

The other car collided with me without giving warnings of his intentions.

I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found out when I put my head through it.

I consider no vehicle was to blame. But, if either vehicle was to blame, it was the other one.

I looked for the sign, but the more I looked, I couldn’t find it.

My breaks weren’t working and the other driver wouldn’t move over, or let me pass. So I ran into him.

The other driver had not wound his window down, and I broke my hand trying to hit him.

rondetto

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

---

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

---

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

---

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

---

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


--H. L. Mencken

---

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

---

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

---

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

---

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

---

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

---

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

---

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

---

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

---

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."

--Anonymous

---

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!

--Anonymous

---

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

---

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "

bertyboy

lovely just not a good idea to start reading before going to the loo in slow gear

kathbee

thanks Ron
missed your funnies.

glad you are back, hope you
had a good time.

Kath x

skezier

Hi Ron,

Liked the menopause one...... will keep and eye out for central heating systems Oh thanks for doing them in bold, my eyes are fairly bad. Cris

Hi Kath,

Nice to see you and hope your hips behaving? (((( )))) xx

frogmorton

Hi Ron

ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Good to see these again

AND i learned a new word.....proctologist - wasnt in the kids dictionary though...cant think why

Love

Toni xx (froggy)

rondetto

Thank's all, I'll keep em' coming.

rondetto

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

rondetto

I once fell head over heels in love with a girl in a petrol station... We got engaged, but after a couple of months she broke off the engagement...I was devastated.

To this day, I can't drive past that petrol station without filling up!

rondetto

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

frogmorton

Brillinat Ron

Especially the money in teh casket one....

clever woman eh?

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Thanks Toni:

I recently asked my friends' 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Great Britain. Both of her parents, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow. . .what a worthy thing to do," I told her.
I said, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, trimm the hedges and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you £50. . . Then I'll take you over to the supermarket where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house for him."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Labour party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

deborahjane

whats the difference between a slapper and a cockrel.a cockrel says cock a doodle doo.a slapper says any cockell doo.

rondetto

A tad naughty, but funny.

rondetto

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but **** and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

rondetto

" I was walking yesterday and got hit on the head by a Pizza, a little while later I got hit on the head by a pack of frozen peas, guess what later I got hit on the head by a frozen Yorkshire pudding, it looks the fall out of Iceland".

rondetto

I was going to tell another joke about Iceland , but I'll wait until the dust settles.

rondetto

A classroom of college students were told to write a short story. It had to contain religion, sexuality and mystery. Only one pupil got an A+ - she wrote.

My God I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

frogmorton

Hi Ron

thanks for the newies and Thanks Deborah too (rudey )

Sure I heard the cauliflower one before but it still made me smile - the oldies eh?

Toni x(frogy)

rondetto

Yes, sometimes the oldies are the best.

rondetto

I walked into a bar last night and ordered a beer.
After a couple of minutes I thought heard a peanut say, "Nice tie." I didn't know what to think of this so I kept sipping on my beer. A couple more minutes went by and I thought I heard another peanut say, "Nice hair style."
By then I was wondering what was in the beer. A couple minutes later I thought I heard another peanut say, "Nice shoes."
So I asked the bartender what was going on. I kept hearing peanuts talking to me.
He said, "Those are our appetizers, They're complimentary. "

frogmorton

Doh!!

Ron!!!

You should be ashamed of yourself

Toni xx

rondetto