Have a laugh...again.

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A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

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The Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

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When Bill Gates was a young lad he had a pet crow. He tried teaching the bird to speak, introducing a new word each day. To his disappointment his black friend would not utter a sound, until finally one day the bird jumped up on his perch and blurted "Bill Gates, you will be the richest man in the world some day!" Bill was totally astonished. He needed to hear more, but the bird would not say another word. Bill decided to seek professional help. He went to see a Gypsy tea reader. The old lady looked into the tea leaves and exclaimed, "yes Bill Gates you will be the richest man in the world if you do this one simple thing!" Bill could hardly contain himself as he ran home. The next morning as Bill's mother came down for breakfast she found Bill cooking something on the stove. " What are you doing, young man?" she asked. "Well Mother, remember what Blackie told me the other day?" "Yes Bill, but what are you cooking?" "Well," said Bill, "I went to see the Gypsy tea reader and she confirmed what the bird told me!" "Wow, that's great!" said his mother, "But what is in the pot?" "Well, the gypsy lady told me that I needed to do one small thing to get my wealth!" "Yes Bill but why are you cooking?" "Well.... She told me I had to make MY CROW SOFT!!!!!!!!!" :roll:

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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In 1990 the Swedes sent their first rocket up into outer space with a crew consisting of a chimpanzee and a Norwegian. On the control panel in front of them was a red light and a green light. When the red light flashed it indicated that instructions were about to come through for the Norwegian and when the green light showed it signalled an imminent instruction for the chimpanzee.

Ten minutes after blast-off the green light flashed and the chimpanzee was instructed to alter the course of the rocket slightly, to take infra-red photographs of Sweden and to repair the radio transmitter. Half an hour later the green light flashed again and the chimpanzee was told to calculate the rate of fuel consumption, adjust the computer and make observations in connection with the earth’s magnetic field.

By this time the Norwegian was getting restless at having nothing to do and resentful of the busy chimpanzee. Then one hour later the red light flashed and the Norwegian eagerly awaited his instructions. A minute later came the order: ‘Feed the chimpanzee’. :P

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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband — he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. “Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

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A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the Post Mortem, then you'll see that I was right."

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. “I m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

marion1952

Very good Ron!

Marion

rondetto

Thanks Marion. :P

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Simon goes on Stars in their eyes and Mathew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair.

Mathew asks "What Happened"? so Simon replies "I was in a horrific car accident with my Uncle and unfortunately he died, I then had my legs amoputated, but they did manage to save my uncles legs and they grafted them onto me. In six months time I will be able to walk again"

"That's amazing" says Mathew "so tonight Simon who are you going to be" ?

Simon says " Well tonight Mathew I'm going to be......








Wait for it..........







"SImon and Halfuncle"!

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The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the boss patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”

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At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her...she said aloud "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now, turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it went off.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news.

His response: "Dear lady .. If every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"

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Paddy and Murphy are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the Paddy in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the Murphy replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."

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Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame. Put an ad in the paper for an assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
How are you going to assist me ased Quasimodo.
Thats easy said the manand he ran at the bell and banded it with his head. BONG . Thats amazing said Quasimodo Could you show me that again.
Sure said the man and ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower to his death. A crowd formed around the guy lying in the streetand a police officer asked. Does anyone know who he is. Quasimodo came out and said I don't know who he is but his face sure rings a bell.
The day after the guys death another fellow turns up and said he was the brother of the guy with no arms and wanted to audition for the job of the bell ringer.
Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower. the guy picks up the wooden mallet and starts ringing the bell. He took a hugh swing, missed the bell and fell over the balcony falling to his death. Quasimodo runs outside and the policeman asks him who this fellow was. Quasimodo says I never got his name but He's a dead ringer for his brother. .

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A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple made passionate love many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye!''

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

“I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I'm a divorce lawyer.”

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”