Bored how about a Christams tale...please join in.

joanlawson

in amazement. There inside the box was a pickled egg, but not an ordinary pickled egg. It was the last of the Seven Eggs of Destiny, worshipped and revered by the Bunker Babes at the Cane and Able. It used to have pride of place on the bar, but it was last seen on a desert island, after being stolen by that infamous Pirate Del and his Somalian friends.

As she gazed at the egg, it began to glow with a very strange light, and she felt herself becoming under it's power. She felt compelled to.............

annie_mial

..........strip off all her clothes and run round the room shouting 'Rehab for Prime Minister'. However, before the feeling became overwhelming, the Egg spoke...........

joanlawson

'' I hereby announce that the government has been taken over in a daring coup by Rehab and Mellman. They have formed a coalition, in future to be known as ReMell. At last, the country has something to celebrate x:!: ) ''

''Ministers likely to be appointed in the new ReMell government include.........................''

lupin15

Right back to the Santa issue and his phobic feelings of Christmas.
He has now spent some 2 weeks in rehab....NO not with rehab we want him back not totally whacked. He has been reintroduced to his sledge and Reindeer and everything is looking good. Today he has taken them out for a spin around Iceland, made snowmen and women (so not to appear sexist). Tied the Elves and started to....

tjt6768

Enjoy his job again...... he was happy for the first time in many years.. Life was good. There was a new government, a fantastic minister for immigration, who was both handsome and wise..
What more could santa want? I'll tell you my dear friends, he had longed for a chance to..... )

lupin15

Strip off his clothes and deliver the presents oh natural.....only trouble was it does get a tad cold and his........

tjt6768

sausage roll was starting to shrivel up.... He'd have to return to gr3ggs for another one.. He didn't know if his widgie had shrivelled too, it was that long since he'd seen it because of his belly..
Rudolph looked on embarrassed....
Santa didn't know that him and vixen had been going at it like rabbits when he wasn't looking...

lupin15

Santa decided that all this "letting it hang out" was not for him...well not at this time of the year and made his way back to the toy factor. He had not been to check on his orders or his little collogues and had left Fat kev in charge!!!!!Was that i wise move??? On his return he found........

lupin15

Hooray for the sweets....they are making a come back this year.... he also had introduced a few more new lines this were.....

tjt6768

Doughnuts the size of hula hoops, gobstoppers instead of marbles, water pistols full of whiskey for the kids.....
X-rated D1sney films, also one of Jessica Rabbit that she'd done when she'd hit skid row after a messy divorce from Roger, he'd run off with Bob Hoskins..
FatKev was loving this, if only it could be Christmas every day............. He had a plan, all he would have to do is...

joanlawson

steal Santa's suit which he had left lying around when he had decided to go au naturel. He would put it on, jump into the sleigh, and take Santa's place. Then he could become the Super Santa Kev he had always wanted to be.



He knew that this would make him irresistible to all the ladies at every house he visited. There was only one slight problem..........

tjt6768

it also made him irrisistable to men and reighndeer... It posed a real problem at feeding time, the reighndeer that is, not the men... He didn't mind the men too much.. It would however make his love life ever so complicated, like the time in 1897 when him and Queen Victoria were at a party and decided to experimant with..............

joanlawson

a time machine which Kev had found behind the bar at the Cane and Able. It had been rather a surprise for Queen Victoria when during a royal banquet, she suddenly found Kev groping about under the table. No wonder she was not amused :shock:

But back to the story......................

Super Santa Kev took the reigns of the sleigh in excited anticipation of what was to come, but to his dismay, Rudolph refused to move. He knew that Kev was a fake Santa and went on strike. There was only one thing for it, thought Kev, he would have to..........................

lupin15

Go and get the real Santa form rehab (had another relapse). He took with him the magic dust that have been given to him by the elves and the extra special Hot chocolate mix with the special ingredient (whisky).
When Fat Kev arrived they would not let him in so he had to climb up the drain pipe.....well on the third attempt and covered in holly, berries and a rather smelly substance he enter Santa's bedroom window. He swished himself through the tiny gape and fell head first in a pile on the floor bumping his head on the radiator. He looked up and saw.......

tjt6768

stars

lupin15

when the stars and hazed cleared he peered up and saw....

joanlawson

the biggest Christmas tree in the world. It was taller than Big Ben, and at the top a fairy was waving to him. She was a fat fairy, and Kev fell instantly in love with her.



She said that her name was Fatima, and she had been waiting all her life for a hero like Kev to appear. But first he must climb the tree to reach her, so he bravely began his ascent. He had reached the tenth branch, when suddenly.................

bubbles

he met a partridge in the fir tree, huge it was, as plump as the fairy, what to do, clobber the partridge and cook it for supper, or carry on up to to fatima, who was getting impatient, so much so that she................

joanlawson

sent down four calling birds, three French hens, and two turtle doves to find out what was going on. What Fatima didn't realise was that Kev had a bird phobia, and now surrounded by all these birds, he began to panic. He screamed loudly, and then he................

bubbles

bounced down all ten branches, was covered in bird poop and was having a panic attack, so fatima threw down a brown paper bag for him to breathe into, after he had calmed down and the birds had gone away, he saw five gold rings in the bag, should I propose to Fatima, or pop down to the local "cash for gold" shop......he looked up from below, at the lovely Fatima, resplendent in her tutu and to his horror, he realised that Fatima was......................

tjt6768

In fact Simon Cowell in drag, he could tell by how high the knickers were pulled up, oh well, he thought, horses for courses, I could do worse than a fairy outfit wearing sugar daddy.. He took 'Fatima' in his bulging byceps and took 'her' to meet............

bubbles

Sinita, who is joined at the hip to Simon. She was none too pleased and said that if they were to try and get married, she would make an announcement at the ceremony, saying...........

tjt6768

that Simon Cowell is already married, in fact he married Susan Boyle after falling for her on that talent show he does, the one where she gobsmacked everyone.. Love is indeed blind.
Sinita was one evil .............

joanlawson

woman. She said that Simon is a cross-dressing fairy with no X- Factor whatsoever. But everyone already knew that anyway, so Sinita was wasting her time making such threats. Kev decided to ignore her, so he got down on one knee to propose to Fatima. Unfortunately, just at that moment something happened to prevent his declaration of love. There was a loud bang, followed by a cloud of dust, and then................

bubbles

the Genie of the lamp appeared, straight from Panto on Blackpool Pier, granting them three wishes, kev said, my first wish is to make.............