Bored how about a Christams tale...please join in.

tjt6768

Mellman & Rehab happy (maybe together, who knows? Fat Kev doesn't judge, he wasn't Simon Cowell after all) second wish is for Santa to kick the alcohol habit once and for all, and for his third wish he asked for......................

joanlawson

Fatima to become his wife. Sadly, this wish couldn't be granted because she was the fairy on top of the Christmas tree, and it was her fate to remain there forever. Kev decided that he would give up and return to the Cane and Able, where he could drown his sorrows. But just as he was leaving................

tjt6768

Rudolph came by, he had Bryan Ferry on his back, they'd been out womanising together, both were very much worst for wear, to be frank they were P!$$£D as farts.. Rudolph started to laugh at Fat Kev as his fly was undone... Mr Ferry turned to him and slurred "You're not thinking of going to the Ane & Cable still wearing that Sunta Sait are you? Plus, you're flying low"
Fat Kev wasn't sure how to react, should he just pull his fly up and ignore the drunken duo or admit to Bryan Ferry that he was indeed a 'slave to love' and needed some advice on what to do about Simon Cowell up that tree..
He decided to.............

tjt6768

Dementia stepped out from behind afore mentioned 'hairy bush', she was still livid with him, he had once set her house on fire while playing with fireworks in a stupid attempt to impress her Mum who he fancied even more than her.... He would however be eternally angry at both her parents for calling her such a ridiculous name, for how could he marry someone with a name like that.... It wouldn't have been too bad if his surname wasn't actually Adventure.... There had to be a way around it, maybe Santa would be able to help.. He rang the Santa hotline, ring ring, ring ring, hello....
Hi Santa, can you help?.......................

joanlawson

Sorry, wrong number......... This is Katie Price. How can I help you x:?:

tjt6768

Oh my good lord said Rehab, not you, anyone but you, i would have rather have got through to Ant & Dec, and I still have no idea which is which and I never will... Anyway, I obviously missed dialled as I would never ring you as you are orange like my fence, did you use Cupr!nol like I did?

joanlawson

How very dare you? Anyway, I'm not bothered. I'll just go and count my millions now. Goodbye!

tjt6768

and with that, the large chested orange hung up on him.. Mmm, thougt Rehab, I really do have a way with the ladies...
He tried to dial Santa again... This time he got through to Dale Winton, who in a very nice but camp voice reassured him that he wasn't talking to Santa but he could root around in his sack anytime...... Seemed like he had a way with the fellas too. :shock:

So, he thought, I obviously can't remember Santa's number so I will just have to.................................

joanlawson

ring Joan. At least I will get some intelligent conversation and common sense out of her :!:

tjt6768

Then he thought, "nah, who am I kidding..? She's as nutty as a topic bar..." She is good for a laugh though, so he rang Joan up...................... Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.....

joanlawson

Ey-up, lad. This is Joan speaking from deepest darkest Yorkshire. What's up?

tjt6768

Ecky ffump, thought Rehab, this burdd sounds a bit of orr-right.... That accent is devine, I hope she has whippets too, I think I'm in love... Never mind Dementia, she doesn't speak in such an angelic tone... He asked Joan to say his name....

joanlawson

But at the sound of his voice, Joan was completely overcome. She fainted with shock and dropped the phone, never to be heard of again. Of course, this kind of reaction was nothing new to Rehab, so he..................

tjt6768

Went home and left this story forever... So now we have only Santa to rely on, he was sober now, it had taken some time and he had lost 10 stone so his suit didn't quite fit but...

lupin15

Vals cafe would help build him up to his former self before Christmas with her wonder assortment of cakes and goodies. He only had 9 days to build himself up. While sitting in the cafe and polishing off his third plate of chocolate fudge cake a jersey cream..........

lupin15

Opps thats my cake.....just cannot get use to this gluten free flour. He is lucky it was not the loaf of bread...or should i say the brick i made earlier. I leant forward quickly to try and give Santa a towel to put to his nose to stem the bleeding when my Betty boob escaped out of my bra, shoot across the table and into Santas eye with a loud slap....

lupin15

As he opened the door of the cafe the blast of freezing cold wind hit him...his manhood retreated, his beard became solid with ice and the snow covered him within seconds...In the distance, through the blizzard he could see......

lupin15

and from the dim light he could see hundreds of children waving and shouting but could not quite see what they had in their hands or what they were shouting. The crowd of children and parents came towards him and......

tjt6768

Hit him over the head with plackards, they weren't kids, they were small students protesting over something or other and Santa got the brunt of it all... They crowded round hm shouting.................................

lupin15

A parent apologised for the board hitting his head. her stupid hubby had made the pole it out of 4 by 4 and it was too heavy for her 7 year old to hold and it had slipped out of his hands and she had tried to stop it but knocked it up rather than catch it. (very strong woman !!!!). The parents and children we shouting "We love Santa give him a break". "we love Santa give him aid". There had been an articular in the Daily press about Santa and the hard time he had had. Santa was worried sick that due to lack of funding he would not be able to provide a present for ever child. This is why he had started drinking and ended up in Rehab. The parents and children were protesting all over the world to rally people to get the government to put there hands in their pockets and to get rich banks to start up a fund.......

tjt6768

Help the kids, but alas, they had spotted how drunk he was and were all ashamed of him again.... He felt dejected, lonely and miserable... He decided to cheer himself up, and in his drunken stupor thought it a great idea to ring his ex Susan Boyle up and see if she fancied a.....................

lupin15

No he asked if she would be his little elf in the grotto. With her singing he was sure he would be able to kick the drink problem and not hurl the children out of the grotto like Frisbees. She agreed for a huge fee and ........

lupin15

unfortunately Sue could not cope with the DARLING LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ended up back in rehab so poor fat kev and to look for another little helper.....

lupin15

and Fat kev shot them and made a curry out of them...and very tasty it was too. Yum yum ) ) ) ) burp..

tjt6768

tasted just like chicken thought Fat Kev, and went out to get some more... He found them down by the.......