Have a laugh

rondetto
rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
edited 25. Apr 2010, 17:50 in Community Chit-chat archive
A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "But while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tyre iron out of my boot, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tyre iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
__________________ :lol:
«13456723

Comments

  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

    Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

    God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?



    Oh, you didn't get one either?
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

    Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Four old retired men are walking down a street in Benidorm, Spain . They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

    They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

    There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

    The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck.

    They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

    They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a Euro.

    Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

    'I'm a retired tailor from London ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.

    Last year I hit the Lottery for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

    Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

    One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

    The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired blokes from Scotland.

    They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    TRUE FUNNY QUOTES:

    "


    David Coleman
    "Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"


    Murray Walker
    "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"


    RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992
    "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"

    Ian Rush
    On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"


    John Arlott
    "Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"


    Peter Lorenzo
    "Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"


    Ian McNail
    "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"


    Winston Bennett
    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"


    Murray Walker
    "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"


    Greg Norman
    "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"


    Alan Minter
    "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"


    John Francombe
    "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"


    Terry Venables
    "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"


    Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
    "We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"


    Ron Atkinson
    "I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."


    Ron Atkinson
    "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."


    Ron Atkinson
    "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."


    Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism
    "It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."


    Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977
    Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."


    David Vine
    "Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."


    David Coleman
    "Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."


    Metro Radio
    "Julian ****** is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven ****** on the field."


    David Coleman
    "Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."


    Chris Eubank, replying to "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?":
    "On what ?"

    "


    Ruud Gullit
    "To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."


    Ron Atkinson
    "Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw."


    John Motson
    "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"


    David Acfield
    "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."


    Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live
    "What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"


    Mark Draper - Aston Villa
    "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"


    David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics
    "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"


    David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day
    "And for those of you who watched the last programme (****** and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like ******'s"


    John Arlott
    "...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"


    Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta
    "These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"


    David Coleman
    "This evening is a very different evening from the morning that we had this morning"


    Murray Walker
    "...and Mark Blundell stops with his front wheels stationary"


    Radio 5 Live: Jeremy Vine:
    "So your autobiography is out in paperback. What's it about?"


    Radio 1: Simon Bates:
    "So your name's Mohammed? That's one of the most popular Christian names in the world."


    USTV commentator
    "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"


    Channel 4 interview
    Zoe Ball: "So tell us, what this is exactly..."
    Guest: "It's a matchstick model of Cardiff Arms Park"
    Zoe Ball: "Wow! That's amazing. What's it made out of?"
    Guest: "Err... matchsticks
    ."
  • ninakang
    ninakang Member Posts: 2,056
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :-) LMAO

    Nx
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

    The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

    The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."
    The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
    "They're people just like you, your equals."
    "Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

    "How did you know?" his mother asked.

    "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom
    ." :lol:
  • vonski
    vonski Member Posts: 1,292
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Ron

    On top form as always, we have missed you on here :)

    Love
    Vonski x
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Aw bless you Vonski, nice to see you and to be back. I thought this one was funny too:

    After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
    The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
    As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
    "We were just playing 'church' mummy," he said.
    "I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
  • kathbee
    kathbee Member Posts: 934
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Good to see your jokes back on here Ron
    really did miss them, we all need to laugh
    each day dont we.

    Kath
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Aw bless you Kath, thanks for that.


    You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

    He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
    :lol:
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.

    The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned!' Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, realizing he had been very harsh, says; 'I'm sorry, how long have you had arthritis?'

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
    :lol:
  • kathbee
    kathbee Member Posts: 934
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Great,

    I will sure pass that one on,
    its a pearler.

    Kath
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

    "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
    He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
    "That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
    "It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
    :D
  • mellman01
    mellman01 Member Posts: 5,303
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    What's black white and brown?.






















    A nun with a monk on! :lol:
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A Motorway patrolman pulls alongside a speeding car on the motorway.

    Glancing at the car, he is astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel is knitting!

    Realizing that she is oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman cranks down his window, turns on his horn and yells, "PULL OVER!"

    "NO," the blonde yells back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"

    The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
    Her friend tells her "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the nations capitals or something?"
    The blonde enthusiastically locks herself up for two weeks studying.
    The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. Her indignant reply, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the countries capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Spain?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's S."
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Back in the 1800s there was a wooden sailing ship. One day, the guy in the crow's nest says, "Captain! There's an enemy ship ahead!"
    The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt."
    So the captain's assistant runs off, grabs his red shirt and brings it back to the captain. He puts it on, and battle begins. The cannons roar, the crew swings over on the boarding lines, and they start fighting hand to hand.
    The battle is over in minutes, and not a single sailor is lost. About 15 minutes later, the assistant pops up to the captain and asks him why he wanted a red shirt.
    The captain says, "If I had been shot, and was bleeding, the crew would not notice the blood, and continue to fight." The assistant nods and makes a mental note to remember that someday.

    The next day, the guy up in the crow's nest screams, "Captain! Twenty enemy ships approaching fast!" The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants!"
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?

    She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Emily Sue passed away and Paddy called 999. The 999 operator told Paddy that she would send someone out right away.

    "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

    Paddy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

    The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

    There was a long pause and finally Paddy said, "How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

    The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
    The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
    But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

    When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,452
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
    Are you choking?
    No, I really did...honest!!!
    :D