Have a laugh

rondetto

Thanks Toni:

Mr. Jones is in his Doctor's office getting his yearly physical. They discuss his health and a few days later the Dr. see's Mr. Jones walking along the street with a hot young blonde on his arm. Two weeks later Mr. Jones is in the Doctor's office again.

The Dr. says so Mr. Jones you seem to be doing pretty well.

Yep doc. he says. I'm just following your advice.

The Dr. thinks about this for a few minutes and finally says Just exactly what advice did I give you?

Mr. Jones smiles and said you said to be cheerful and get yourself a hot momma.

The Dr. looks shocked and said no, no, no Mr. Jones

I said be careful you've got a heart murmur.

dorcas

that was just the funniest !

Iris x

now one for you

If you are 30, or older, you might enjoy this!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up ; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Up hill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up , there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty++, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email !! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had p ermission to kick our ****! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Nap sters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shop lift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all u p ! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your **** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up , we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mum threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

ninakang

Have just read the over 30s list to my 11 year old and she would like to say:

"It was very funny and I feel very sorry for everybody who lived before the 1990s!"

I still class myself as relatively young, but I can't believe that I can remember TVs without remote controls and when there were no microwaves!

Nx

dorcas

Just like kids to have the last word. I wonder what your lovely 11yrs old daughter would think of someone born in the 50s!!!

Iris x

ninakang

She's 11 years old - anyone over the age of 18 is ANCIENT, I'm afraid :-)

Nx

sanmar63

dorcas wrote:

that was just the funniest !

Iris x

now one for you

If you are 30, or older, you might enjoy this!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up ; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Up hill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up , there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty++, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email !! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had p ermission to kick our ****! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Nap sters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shop lift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all u p ! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your **** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up , we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mum threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

OMG!! Every word of this is true!!

I feel old..........very old...........

Sandra xxx

bertyboy

ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

bertyboy

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............. )



'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

bertyboy

The Facecloth



This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in theweek. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping,cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

jean123

:shock: :roll:

Jean

rondetto

Good ones:

An irish man walks in to a bar with bandages all round his feet

So i asked him, "What happend to you?"

"Well he said it all started with a can of soup which said on it open can and stand in boiling water for ten minutes so i did."

sanmar63

bertyboy wrote:

ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

frogmorton

Oh Berty :oops:

esp the facecloth one!!

Ron - waiting for more....

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Thanks Toni: here's a funny one:

Jose's dad picked him up from school to take him to
a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school
play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his
son if he got one.

Jose enthusiastically announced that he had.

"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before
you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

rondetto

In this UK election I’m voting for the Icelandic volcano party, as its
done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour
has in 13 years!

ironic

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helecopter. 11 men and one woman. The rope started to fray sothey all agreed one must let go because if they didnt then they would all die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman made a really touching speech. She would give up her life to save theirs because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children and after all men were the superior sex and must be saved. All the men clapped!! Never under estimate the Evil in a woman!

bertyboy

rondetto

What is the slogan of OJ' Simpson's new limo service?
We'll get you to the airport with time to kill.

rondetto

A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.


On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'


St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven .....

rondetto

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

rondetto

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrives the man enthusiastically states: "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak." His wife objects, arguing about cholesterol, his health, etc.

The waiter adds: "And monsieur, ... what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies: "She'll have a salad."

rondetto

A blonde a brunette and black haired lady. Their car breaks down in the middle of no where. They decide to start walking to the nearest town.
The brunette is carrying water. The blonde says: "Why do you carry water. " The brunette says: "In case we get thirsty."
The black haired lady is carrying food. The blonde says: "Why are you carrying food?" The lady says: "In case we get hungry."
The blonde is carrying the car door and both the brunette and black haired lady says: "Why are you carrying a car door?"
She says; "Hello! In case I get hot I can roll down the window."

rondetto

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue Service officer and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the revenue officer and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he
particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, 'Pastor,why did you ask the two of us to come here?' The old pastor mustered allhis strength, and then said weakly, 'Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.'

rondetto

Three Little Pigs





Three Little Pigs
Went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little
Piggy.


'I would like a
Coke,' said the second little piggy.


'I want beer,
Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..

The drinks
Were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like
The salad plate,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer,
Lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy..

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a
Banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a
Cheesecake,' said the second piggy.


'I want beer, lots and lots of
Beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little
Piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'




You're gonna
LOVE this....






The third piggy
Says -



---

---

---

---
Wait for it
.....


---
---
---

'Well, somebody has
To go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

frogmorton

Ron.....

Behave!!!

Why didnt I predict that one????

Toni xx

have a happy holiday