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Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
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Two young engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." 0 -
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..." 0 -
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.... 0 -
One day a man was driving down a country lane when ha noticed a chicken running by the side of his car. the man was amazed to see this as he was doing 50 mph. So he accerated to 60 the chicken stayed with the car the bloke then when to 70 mph the chicken stay with the car then went passed it the bloke was dumbfounded. He followed the chicken on to a farm where he saw that all the chickens had 3 legs. He asked the farmer why they had 3 legs. The farmer replied " well 'you know how everyone likes chicken legs, so i'v bred them with 3 legs."
"Wow" says the man "what do they taste like?"
"No idea "says the farmer, " I'v never caught one" 0 -
I bought a new van and returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Rolling Stones,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly banged my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, ‘Bl**dy fat idiot!' Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime minister Gordon Brown"
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A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..." 0 -
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 0
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pudding. 0
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a £100 cheque and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a £100 cheque into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer." 0 -
Ron
Good bunch today
Thanks
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni:
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.0 -
Did you know, The Wizard Of Oz is 70 years old today.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage -
She wouldn't be in Oz -
She'd be in The houses of Parliament in the UK.. 0 -
What kids think of their mums:
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!
14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum. 0 -
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled gentleman.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you."
"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me.
The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?"
"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.
"Thash me!" 0 -
hey ron,
can we print out the one about the mother and stick on the fridge?
it's so true :!:
n a a0 -
Hi Ron ....long time no see ....but boy its good to see that this thread is still going strong !!!!
Looks like I got a bit of reading to do lol0 -
Nice to see you Tuppence, miss you on Angles threads.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus "bumper sticker .. "
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Blackpool back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Lancashire good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Blackpool, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the junction.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the junction before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Lancashire good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma 0 -
"Do you know you got a suppository in your left ear?"
"Really??" Said the other.
"I'm glad you told me. NOW I KNOW WHERE MY HEARING AID IS." 0 -
Eeeeuuuuwwwwww!!!!
Ron!!
Thanks as ever
Love
Toni x0 -
Thanks Toni :P
I hope you like this:
All about Pregnancy, questions and answers:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in high school. 0 -
Phone Call From Ernesto The Caretaker:
"Hello, Captain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah, yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your dog died.
"My dog? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor."
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the --!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike golf club."
SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that club you're in deep trouble!" 0 -
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.0 -
Lawyers should never ask a Scouse grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." 0 -
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction. 0
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