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  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    A man boarded an airplane in Manchester, with a box of
    crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

    The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

    Shortly before landing in London, she announced to the
    entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
    Manchester, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them
    herself.
    :D
  • chris7
    chris7 Bots Posts: 2,696
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    a030.gif

    Just though it was time I popped in here again to say ta, you are on top form today Ron :lol::lol:
    Mind I am still giggling re the Cat and Dog diary, so true!!!

    take care
    Chris :wink:
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thank Chris: Here's another funny one:

    One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Ireland. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.



    Mrs. O'Flattery was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs.O'Leary, waiting for help to come when Mrs. O'Leary noticed a baseball cap Floating near the house.



    She watched it float far out into the front yard and then float back to the house. Again and again, it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.



    Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.O'Flattery, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"



    Mrs. O'Flattery said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband Paddy; I tole him he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water!"

    :D
  • kathbee
    kathbee Member Posts: 934
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Keep 'em rolling Ron

    Thanks for taking the time to
    cheer us all up.

    Kath :lol:
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks Kath, I hope everyone will see the humour in this:

    This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...


    1979: Long hair
    2009: Longing for hair



    1979 : Acid rock
    2009: Acid reflux


    1979: Moving to Scotland because it's cool
    2009: Moving down south because it's warm


    1979: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


    1979: Seeds and stems
    2009: Roughage


    1979: Hoping for a BMW
    2009: Hoping for a BM


    1979: Going to a new, hip joint
    2009: Receiving a new hip joint


    1979: Rolling Stones
    2009: Kidney Stones



    1979: Disco
    2009: Costco


    1979: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


    1979: Passing the drivers' test
    2009: Passing the vision test


    1979: Whatever
    2009: Depends

    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Liverpool University puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

    The people who are starting college this autumn across the nation were born in 1990.


    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


    The CD was introduced the year before they were born.


    They have always had an answering machine.


    They have always had cable.



    They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


    They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


    They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


    They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is.


    McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers..


    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


    Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..
    So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    These are funny answers from children when asked in school about the Bible:


    "In the first book of the
    Bible, Guinessis, God got tired
    of creating the world
    so He took the Sabbath off."


    "Adam and Eve were created
    from an apple tree. Noah's wife
    was Joan of Ark. Noah built the
    ark and the animals came on in
    pears."


    "Lot's wife was a pillar of
    salt during the day, but a ball
    of fire during the night."


    "Sampson was a strong man who
    let himself be led astray by a
    Jezebel like Delilah."


    "Samson slayed the Philistines
    with the axe of the Apostles."


    "Moses led the Jews to the Red
    Sea where they made unleavened bread,
    which is bread without any ingredients."


    "The Egyptians were all drowned in
    the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
    up to Mount Cyanide to get
    the Ten Commandments."


    "The First Commandment was when
    Eve told Adam to eat the apple."


    "The Seventh Commandment is
    Thou shalt not admit adultery."


    "Moses died before he ever reached
    Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
    in the Battle of Geritol."


    "The greatest miricle in the
    Bible is when Joshua told his son
    to stand still and he obeyed him."


    "Solomon, one of David's sons, had
    300 wives and 700 porcupines."


    "When Mary heard she was the
    Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
    Carta."

    "When the three wise guys from
    the East Side arrived they found
    Jesus in the manager."
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Teacher - John how do you spell Crocodile ???
    Joh - K R O K O D A I L
    Teacher - No, thats wrong
    John - Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how i spelt it
    . :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    You Think English is Easy???


    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

    Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

    Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all

    That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    3-year-old Reese:
    "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
    Amen."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A little boy was overheard praying:
    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
    "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    One particular four-year-old prayed,
    "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
    "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
    One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
    "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A father was at the beach with his children
    when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
    grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
    where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
    "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
    The boy thought a moment and then said,
    "Did God throw him back down?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A wife invited some people to dinner.
    At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
    "Would you like to say the blessing?"
    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
    "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" he replied. :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    The year 1970, age 16 and just a kid
    I just loved to go dancing so that's what I did
    Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays I'd go to the hop'
    And back in those days we only drank pop

    No boozing, no pep pills, we just didn't need �em
    We had lots of fun, and boy did I lead them
    I remember the dresses, full skirts, lots of net
    I made them myself, were they pretty? you bet!

    I crammed my size 3's into tight winkle-pickers
    All that twisting and turning must have shown off my knickers!!

    My hair was a beehive, you just gotta laugh
    Back-combing and lacquer was a bit of a faff
    I blame Dusty Springfield hers was high as a kite
    But her loaded black eyes I didn't much like

    Billy Fury and Elvis and Cliff were the best
    But now come to think I adored all the rest
    I'd "Walk Back to Happiness" with Helen Shapiro
    Was so hard to decide just who was my hero

    Me and my friends would eye up the guys
    Got loads of dance partners, that's no surprise
    I look back on those days- seven stone and so trim
    But at least I've got memories albeit now dim

    You're probably thinking what a crazy old goat
    Hey! not to worry it floated my boat
    Almost 50 years on I'm now old and grey
    Not at all healthy but still young in some way


    And these days I've a new friend called Arthur - oh drat!
    He's more like an enemy I just had to say that
    He won't let me dance even ever so slow
    I wish he'd get up off his backside and GO!
    ! :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    No one believes oldies . .. . everyone thinks they are senile.

    An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

    Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
    It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

    Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
    Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
    The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

    "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

    Sally said, "No."
    Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
    Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

    The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
    One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .. "

    The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Easy Jet is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in c-o-c-kpit.
    S: Something tightened in c-o-c-kpit.
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
    feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and
    be serious.
    *
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in c-o-c-kpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
    .
  • kathbee
    kathbee Member Posts: 934
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    rondetto wrote:
    The year 1970, age 16 and just a kid
    I just loved to go dancing so that's what I did
    Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays I'd go to the hop'
    And back in those days we only drank pop

    No boozing, no pep pills, we just didn't need �em
    We had lots of fun, and boy did I lead them
    I remember the dresses, full skirts, lots of net
    I made them myself, were they pretty? you bet!

    I crammed my size 3's into tight winkle-pickers
    All that twisting and turning must have shown off my knickers!!

    My hair was a beehive, you just gotta laugh
    Back-combing and lacquer was a bit of a faff
    I blame Dusty Springfield hers was high as a kite
    But her loaded black eyes I didn't much like

    Billy Fury and Elvis and Cliff were the best
    But now come to think I adored all the rest
    I'd "Walk Back to Happiness" with Helen Shapiro
    Was so hard to decide just who was my hero

    Me and my friends would eye up the guys
    Got loads of dance partners, that's no surprise
    I look back on those days- seven stone and so trim
    But at least I've got memories albeit now dim

    You're probably thinking what a crazy old goat
    Hey! not to worry it floated my boat
    Almost 50 years on I'm now old and grey
    Not at all healthy but still young in some way


    And these days I've a new friend called Arthur - oh drat!
    He's more like an enemy I just had to say that
    He won't let me dance even ever so slow
    I wish he'd get up off his backside and GO!
    ! :D


    It's ok Ron, I wont charge you any royalties on this
    poem :lol:

    It's an original penned by my good self and put on the
    forum a couple of years ago,


    Kath
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Oops, sorry Kath, I saved it in my joke book, so it must be good. Well done Kath.
  • kathbee
    kathbee Member Posts: 934
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Absolutely no probs Ron

    Glad you liked it and also that you saved it
    thats really nice of you.

    Do keep the Have a Laugh pages going
    wont you as it brightens up the day as I'm sure
    it does for lots of us.

    Kath x
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks Kath:


    After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a £500,000.00 home, a £45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...!
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    SIGNS

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

    In a Podiatrist's office:
    'Time wounds all heels.'

    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

    On a Plumber's truck:
    'We repair what your husband fixed.'

    On another Plumber's truck:
    'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

    On a Church's Bill board:
    '7 days without God makes one weak.'

    At a Tyre Store'
    Invite us to your next blowout.'

    On an Electrician's truck:
    'Let us remove your shorts.'

    In a Non-smoking Area:
    'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

    On a Maternity Room door:
    'Push. Push. Push.'

    At an Optometrist's Office:
    'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

    On a Taxidermist's window:
    'We really know our stuff.'

    On a Fence:
    'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

    At a Car Dealership:
    'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

    Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
    'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

    In a Vets waiting room:
    'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

    In a Restaurant window:
    'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

    And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:
    'Best place in town to take a leak.'

    Sign on the back of yet anotherSeptic Tank Truck:
    'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
    :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    The Association of British Travel Agents (ABTA) has published some of the more bizarre complaints received from Britons holidaying abroad:

    "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

    "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

    "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    "I was bitten by a mosquito no-one said they could bite."

    "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

    "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

    "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

    "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

    "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

    "The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers will we be OK staying here?"

    And finally, from a holidaymaker in Spain:

    "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
    :D
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,516
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Sooooo funnny! thanks for the laugh. now here's one for you:

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



    Ees



    Ees



    Ees





    Ees




    Ees a ham bush...."





  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    :D:D


    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

    Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

    I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.



    Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

    Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

    Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

    Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

    So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

    After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

    My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,516
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    4... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
    10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18 . Procrastinate Now!

    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
    thousand times the memory..

    26... Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Options
    Keep em' coming. :D
  • rondetto
    rondetto Member Posts: 2,526
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to wee."
    :D