Have a laugh

rondetto

My mate has a polish girlfriend, all he does is moan about her being lazy, he says she has taken five weeks to hoover up his place, only turns out she is a Slovac.

joanlawson

He must be from the Isle of Man :!:

rondetto

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the
window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his
shop:
'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop? 'And how
did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've
come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

frogmorton

He he he he!!!

Well done as ever Ron

Love

Frogyx

rondetto

Thanks Frogy:


If you had purchased £1000.00 of Bank of Iceland stock one year ago, it would now be worth £49.00.

With Enron, you would have £16.50 left of the original £1000.

With World Com, you would have less than £5.00 left.

If you had purchased £1000.00 of Jet2 Airlines stock you would have £49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased £1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have £214.07.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

frogmorton

Now that IS a good idea

rondetto

Me too

rondetto

A couple go for a meal to a Chinese restaurant and they order Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

Ahh… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”

rondetto

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain a whale to me.

rondetto

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

rondetto

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. :P

joanlawson

That is brilliant, Ron :!:

It makes you realise what a difficult language English is, and yet so many people around the world manage to learn it. It puts us in this country to shame because we are so bad at learning other languages.

rondetto

So true, and we think Greek and Chinese is hard to learn.

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up.

rondetto

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."

Both men ran away.

rondetto

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did...honest!!!

frogmorton

The oldies really ARE the best eh??

Thanks Ron

Love

Froggy xx

rondetto

Thanks Froggy, here's some to make you think:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?



If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

rondetto

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need

rondetto

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!

rondetto

A white man and a very old Native American man were sitting on an airplane next to each other. They started talking and making small talk. The Native American mentioned he had been married for 40 years. The white man asked the Native American what his wife's name is. He said it is Five Horses. The white man said that was an unusual name and asked what it meant. The Native American said it was an old Native name that meant NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG.

rondetto

This Morning Juan Martinez an illegal alien was found shot to death in an alleyway in the N/W part of the city. According to authorities he was shot with what looked to be some sort of golf gun.
When asked what a golf gun was, authorities shrugged their shoulders and said "We don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan"......

rondetto

An airline pilot was breaking in a new stewardess.The route they were flying had a layover in another city.Upon their arrival,the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,he noticed the new stewardess was missing.He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.She answered the phone,crying,and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked,"Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,"one is the bathroom,one is the closet,and one has a sign on it that says 'DO NOT DISTURB'!"

chris7

Hi Ron

These are always so funny but that last one had me really:



Chris

frogmorton

Oh Ron!!!!

Very good

Thanks

Froggy xx

rondetto

Thanks

Statistics show that three quarters of all women are secretive about their age. The other quarter lies about it!

To keep yourself young, think like a young person.
To get old in a hurry, try acting like one!