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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says , "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Chester . The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, "What the heck is going on up here? We're having a grand time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" 0 -
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" 0 -
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "That's not the moon," he says, "that's the sun."
They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here." 0 -
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "What the heck?" and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more!"
I asked, "What do you mean "more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said".
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!" 0 -
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when
the man picks up a case of Stella Artois
lager, and sticks them into the trolley,
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the
wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24
cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says
the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20
jar of face cream and sticks it into the
trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the
man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look
beautiful," she says.
The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF
STELLA AND IT'S ONLY HALF THE PRICE" 0 -
Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, "Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Hans said, "I hafen't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he asked. "Lordy! It's 2010! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Hans responded: "How da heck vas I suppose to pick dem up?" 0 -
Heard in court this week:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Post mortem, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the Post mortem?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law. 0 -
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
--John Cleese-- 0 -
The IDIOT test:
Called that for obvious reasons This has been around the block a time or fifty, I got them all on the first try but here you go:
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany ,
Or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus..
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! :shock: 0 -
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?" 0 -
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.
Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",
but don't count on things smelling any better. 0 -
Hi Ron
re the moral tale:
Ain't that the truth :roll: :roll:
Chris
ps my american cousin I haven't seen for more than 20 years is coming on a visit soon. Can't wait to show him the John Cleese letter! Fortunately his mum was English so he does have our sense of humour. 0 -
Yes Chris that American one is sooooo true.
Did you hear about the Irish Mystery coach tour?
They all had a bet on where they were going and the driver won 58 quid! 0 -
A Polish man moved to Aberdeen and married a local girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
-It made of concrete.
I don`t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
-No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
-All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marraige?
-we have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
=No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
-No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
-she going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
-I got proof.
What kind of proof?
-She going to poison me. she buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
`POLISH REMOVER`. 0 -
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." 0
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." :shock:0
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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer blessed candle." 0 -
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!" 0 -
The ABC's of Aging... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctor s fully employed!!!0
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Hi Ron
thanks for those...
esp the blonde driving one!!! the oldies ARE always the best eh?
Love
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni: This is long but funny:
My fellow men, I write this today to apologize for the many wrongs I have committed in my youth. I am now an old man and no longer wish to carry this great guilt on my shoulders. Below you will find all the sins I have committed and the damage that they have inflected so for all of this, I am sorry.
I was the one who convinced women that men loved to hear them complain
I was the one who taught women how to poke holes in condoms
I was the one who told women how much men loved their emotions
I was the one who told women to spend all our hard earned money
I was the one who encouraged women to lie about being on ‘the pill’
I was the one who lied to women about how much we love shopping with them
I was the one who taught women how to drive
I was the one who explained how women should have equal rights
I was the one said how women should never put out until a man has spent X amount of pounds on her
I was the one who told Hillary to run for office
I was the one who started women’s professional sports
I was the one who taught women that they are always right
I was the one who invented women bodybuilding competitions
I was the one who gave women the right to vote
I was the one who introduced women to gossip
I was the one who taught women how to make a man sleep on the couch
But in my defense, for all the wrongs I have committed in this life, their exists one single good deed that I am truly proud of………..
I was the one who introduced women to the kitchen
Thank you for reading this old man’s apology and I wish the best of luck to younger generations in undoing the damage I have caused.0 -
Oh very good :?
and I like your new avataar
Love
Toni xx0 -
Thanks Toni :P
A British squad of troops was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an Englishman.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Cherrie Blair!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." 0 -
Coleen passed away and Paddy called 999. The 999 operator told Paddy that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Paddy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Paddy said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" 0
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