Have a laugh

rondetto

Use these three words in a sentence, Defeat,defense and detail, the Drill Sargent said to the new enlisted man. The new recruit thought for a few seconds and replied to the Sargent. Sir: "DE-FEET went over DE-FENCE before DE-TAIL."

rondetto

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
Spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

rondetto

Poor old Granddad's passed away,
cut off in his prime,
He never took a day off work,
gone before his time,
We found him in the toilet,
collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face,
his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good,
fit as any trout,
The detective he had his say,
'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest
of snakebite without trace,
Of rattlers quietly creeping,
and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all,
the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say
as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,'
said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story
but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob
had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just
the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down
and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell,
they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil
and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that
go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the toilet over it
a real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again
I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the toilet,
it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad
would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened
poor Granddad didn't know,
The toilet was re-located
when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering
how poor Granddad did his dash -
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

rondetto

The Post Office created a stamp with a picture of Prime Minister Gordon Brown on it. The Post Office noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and £2 million in government spending, a special commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.

2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3.People are spitting on the wrong side.

rondetto

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

rondetto

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

rondetto

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket

Walk softly and carry a big carrot

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears

There's no such thing as too much candy

All work and no play can make you a basket case

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Some body parts should be floppy

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans

Good things come in small sugar-coated packages

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey !!

Happy Resurrection Sunday!

dorcas

rondetto

Very good...........and so true too.

rondetto

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face,
"Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored.
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye.
"Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

rondetto

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plough came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plough.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Asda parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Tesco now?"

rondetto

This is a test of your morals:

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features
an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous... give due consideration

THE SITUATION:

You are in St Ives, Cornwall. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a fleet street newspaper, and you're caught in the
middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying
to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing
all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their
lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they
look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Gordon Brown and Heather Mills At
the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most famous people.

NOW, Here's the question... please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black & white?

rondetto

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree, and act like a nut!

rondetto

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

rondetto

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

rondetto

Jock Mactavish developed a new style of nail and found a niche for them in Ireland. He wanted them advertised on T.V. there so he contacted Murphys advertising agency. They said "We're the cheapest because we don't give demos, previews etc, we make the add and it goes straight out on T.V. the following week."
O.K. said Jock. "Its Easter next week and people will be wanting to do a bit of D.I.Y. so put out the add during the holidays, mainly on Easter Sunday."

The following week on Saturday during the evening film the break started and the ads ran. Jock watched uninterested when an ad came on he didn't recognise. It started with a dark stormy cloud scene, the occasional flash of lightning, strong beams of sunlight trying to get through breaks in the clouds, the camera panned down bringing into view a piece of wood. Further down a cross beam could be seen then a circle of thorns on top of a head. Eventually the camera stopped and moved back revealing Jesus Christ on the cross. A flash of lightning, roar of thunder and then a caption showed beneath the cross followed by the voice over for it:
"If you want a job done right this Easter then use Jocks nails" followed by a inserted product picture stating only 99p a box special offer this Easter.

Well, as one can imagine Jock was well cheesedoff. He got on the blower to Murphys and politely asked what the heck they were up to; if they didn't sort this ad out he would move his account elsewhere.
"We're very sorry Mr Jock" came the reply, "trust us, we shall have a better advert tomorrow."

Sure enough, Easter Sunday evening, the ads rolled and Jock watched with interest. Then he sat forward, mouth wide open, his eyes almost popping out of his head, the same advert was being shown as before. Again the camera panned down from the stormy sky, the top of the cross appeared followed by the cross beam until the camera stopped and pulled back. On the screen was a similar scene except piled up in a heap at the bottom of the cross was Jesus Christ. After the flash of lightning and roar of thunder the caption showed followed by the voice over:

"They should have used Jocks nails" - still only 99p a pack until Tuesday.

rondetto

Paddy and Mick were flying to Alicante when the captain came on the tannoy and said that one of the engines had failed , he said not to worry perfectly safe flying on , but it will take four hours longer to get there.
Paddy turned to mick and said : "Yes and if the other one fails we'll be up here all blinkin' day."

rondetto

Did you know Van Gogh's Family tree?

His dizzy aunt

---

Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes

---

Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store

---

Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia

---

U Gogh
His magician uncle

---

Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican Cousin

---

A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother

---

Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach

---

Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle

---

Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt

---

Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle

---

Fla Ming Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin

---

Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking

---

Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew

---

Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco

---

Go Gogh
AND his RV traveling Niece

---

Winnie Bay Gogh

rondetto

A Hurricane hit a farmhouse on the south coast just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife (Marlin and Mary) slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife Mary began to cry.
Husband Marlin: "Don't be scared, Mary. We're not hurt."
Mary continues to cry, but responds: "I'm not scared. I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in fourteen years we've been out together."

rondetto

There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

rondetto

As a crowded airliner is about to take off from Manchester, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I told him I'd made my choice."

rondetto

A couple of blonde's went shopping to tesco. As they were coming out one blonde said to the other as they near the car: "Damn I've left the keys in the car."
The other blonde said: "Yeah and its starting to rain,"
The other blonde said: "Damn I've left the top down too."

frogmorton

Cheers Ron

Just what i needed and you too Rehab.....

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Hi Toni, missed on Angels lately.


Happiness to everyone is something different
I may be sleeping in the wilderness in nothing but a tent
It may be seeing the world on a cruise
Or it may even be hitting your favourite booze

It may be tucking into a large bowl of trifle
Or even making a special trip to Paris to see the Eiffel
It may be perhaps writing a brand new story
Or for those with children visiting the set of Balomory

It may be navigating the world in just the smallest boat
Or it may mean cycling from Lands End to John O Groats
It may be dancing and singing up on the stage
Or standing up for Citizens against the growing trend to road rage

It may be standing up for animals who do not have a voice
Or helping teenagers make the correct choice
It may be cooking up a very special treat
Or even perhaps just watching non-stop Coronation Street

The most important thing that you should know
Is that different things make people feel a happy glow
Everyone should feel happy at least once a day
In their own special way

frogmorton

How true!

Nipped on Angels quickly to say hello

Love

Toni xx