Have a laugh

rondetto

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

rondetto

RULES TO LIVE BY: FROM JUDGE JUDY:




1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need.

rondetto

A little bloke gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulk of a man plops
down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little man starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake
the big bloke up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes through the little bloke. He can't hold it in any longer and
he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big bloke wakes up, looks down, and sees the
vomit all over him.

"So," says the little man, "Are you feeling better now?"

rondetto

Young Patrick moved to Dublin and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” Patrick replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can't do that. I went and spent it already.” Patrick said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Patrick said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'” Patricksaid, “Sure I can - watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.”'
A month later, the farmer met up with Patrick and asked, '”What happened with that dead donkey?”
Pat said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”'
Patrick said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.”
Patrick now works for the Irish government!

chris7

Ron
Thanks for making me laugh
I always pop in here to hear your latest story, keep 'em coming please.
Chris

rondetto

These are true quotes from some famous people:

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
---Billy Crystal

chris7

Ron

Hope you are ok? I am missing my fix of your funny stories. Hope all is well with you? take care.
Chris

rondetto

Thanks Chris, we've been away, back now:

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

rondetto

There was a competition to swim across the English Channel doing
only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race, a brunette,
a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the
reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she
replied,

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those
two other girls were using their arms..

rondetto

There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

rondetto

A coroner being shown round the mortuary asked why the three bodies on the slabs were smiling...

The assistant replied the first an Englishman won a lottery rollover, suffered a massive heart attack with the shock... Hence the smile on his face

The second man is Scottish and was visiting a distillery, when he fell in a vat of whiskey and drowned.. Hence the smile on his face.

The third is an Irishman who was struck by lightning !
"But why has he got a smile on his face," asked the coroner?
The assistant replied...
"He thought he was having his photograph taken!"

lindalegs

Like that one Ron.

Luv Legs

debatat

Luv them they are brilliant!!!

DEb x

debbierose

What do you call an unlit light.

OUT

lol

rondetto

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

rondetto

A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.


On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'


St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven .....

rondetto

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I got those last two questions wrong.'

rondetto

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

rondetto

Uncle Ned, an old sailor, was getting along in years.

He told the family that when he died he wanted to be buried at sea.

So when the fateful day finally came Patrick & Shamus put Uncle Ned's body in the back of their pickup truck, hooked up the fishing boat, & went to the seashore.

They put the boat in the water, loaded the body & began to row out into the ocean.

After they rowed out a little ways, Patrick jumped into the water to see if it was deep enough.

It was only waist deep so they had to go out a little further.

They did this several times testing the depth till finally Patrick dove in and was under water for quite awhile.

He finally came back up gasping for breath.

Then he said," This is deep enough, hand me the shovel."

rondetto

Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking thelaw."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

rondetto

A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

rondetto

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man.

She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes
opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the
young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out
his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's
limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All
through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward,
holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest
awhile.

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was
oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking
of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging
greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said
nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now
lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she
did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the
Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away there had been a mistake,
but I also knew he needed his son, and his

son just wasn't here.


When I realized that he was too sick to tell
whether or not I was his son,
knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."


The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Please stay.

rondetto

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than £10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick any night."

rondetto

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Little Johnny wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

joyful164

We are getting wealthy as we get older ? Wealth!!



Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

We never thought we'd accumulate such wealth!!


joy