Have a laugh

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
Peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
She had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
Began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've
Been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such
A wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed
Her into Heaven.

About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
Her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
Arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
Told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of
You while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the
Little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And
My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
Vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
Head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Hah!

rondetto

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won 5,000 Euros in the Spanish road safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the Policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to buy a driver's license, and maybe some insurance too" he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

rondetto

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the forest area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the grave hole and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

rondetto

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

rondetto

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!" And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

rondetto

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

rondetto

Following an IT audit of computer passwords, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

Mickey-Minnie-Pluto-Huey-Louie-Dewey-Donald-Goofy.

When asked why such a big password, she said she'd been told that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

dorcas

So funny! thanks for making me laugh!
Dorcasx

rondetto

Thanks Dorcas, here's another cute one:

A Teddy bear gets a job on a building site, after dinner he goes to see the foreman. he says to the foreman 'that pick you gave me this morning has been pinched...

The foreman replies "I knew it would,

because today's the day that teddy bears have their pic-nicked....."

rondetto

Teacher to a class room full of kids, asks if they know why they have their names they do
1st kid " My name is david , i was born on st davids day"

2nd kid "my name is patrick, i was born on st patricks day"

teacher "whos next...chris"

Chris " i was born Christmas Day Miss"

Teacher " who else....how about you Pancake"

rondetto

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

rondetto

A young boy has just got his driver`s license and enquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. his father said," I`ll make a deal with you. you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we`ll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he`d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it,
After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, " Son, I`ve been real proud, You brought your grades up, and I`ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But I`m disappointed, since you haven`t got your hair cut.
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know Dad I`ve been thinking about that, and I`ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and theres even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied: " Did you also notice that they also walked everywhere they went?"

ninakang

:-) Lots more jokes where there's a play on words, please. They're my favourite

Nx

rondetto

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

rondetto

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

rondetto

BLONDE'S DIARY

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

debatat

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rondetto

Paddy is on who wants to be a millionaire, chris tarrant asks: '"For £200, who was the great train robber. a) ronnie corbett. b) ronnie wood. c) ronnie barker or d) ronnie biggs?'
Paddy say's: "I've had a great day chris but I'm going to take the money'
Astonished Chris replies: '"But you've still got 3 lifelines, you're not that thick are you paddy?' Paddy says: ' I might be thick chris, but I'm certainly no grass'

rondetto

Some racehorses are in a stable having a rest.
One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

rondetto

An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland and asks the bartender about the
quickest was to get to Dublin. The barkeep replies, "Are you walking or
driving?"
The Irishman says that he is driving.
The barkeep says, "Ah yes, that's the quickest way!"

dorcas

Hey rondetto...thanks for the laugh! I needed that.
Now here's one for you (need to follow x factor to fully appreciate):

Billy' stuck in a traffic jam on M2 motorway into Belfast.Suddenly a man knocks on the window, Billy rolls down the window and asks what is happening? Man says...UDA have kidnapped the X Factor twins and are asking for £10 million ransom or they are going to pour petrol over them and set them alight. We are going from car to car taking a collection.
Billy asks..How much is everyone giving?......
Man says 'about a gallon'!!!

iris x

rondetto

Nice one Iris:

Paddy had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told Paddy that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

rondetto

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."
_________________

rondetto

I went to the surgery for a check up.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Eleven stone", I say.

The nurse puts me on a scale.It turns my weight is 13 stone.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

5'4" , I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".

She then takes my blood preassure and tells me it's very high.

"Of course, it's high," I scream, " When I came here I was tall and slender! Now I am short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac. What a silly woman.

rondetto

A blonde went to the doctors with 2 burnt ears, when the doctor asked her what had happened, she said: "The phone rang and i picked up the iron by mistake"
He asked what happened to the other one? she replied "They rang back"