Have a laugh

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said.

"Your finger is broken."

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A motorway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the dual carriageway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman cranked down his window, turned on his horn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Duhhhhh .....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at
its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put
him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because
he's heavy," said the vet.

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor
to get a
physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down
the street
with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the
doctor spoke to
Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a
heart murmur; be
careful.'

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." :shock:

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A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."

The husband replies, "That's not possible."

"Well," says the wife, "I'm telling you that's the problem."

The husband gets up and sighs, "OK, fine. Where'd you park it?"

The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."

kathbee

It's the way you tell em Ron



Kath

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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

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Marks and Spencer is taking over Poundstretcher...the new company will be known as StretchMarks.

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Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentary work for a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol who was nailing down house sides reached into her nail pouch, pulled out a nail, and either tossed it over her shoulder or nailed it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completey upset and yelled, "You moron! those nails are not upside down , They`re for the otherside of the house!"

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks sympathetically, "What`s the matter?" The blonde replies, "Earlier today I got a phone call saying my mother had passed away." The boss feels sorry for her and says, "Why don`t you go home for the day? take the day off to rest."
"Thanks, but i`d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and have a better chance of doing that here.
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours later the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office to see the blonde crying hysterically.
"What`s so bad now? are you going to be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclained the blonde. "I just received a horrable call from my sister. Her mothers died too."

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1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a; little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Chester and mine is in Liverpool.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric mixer, electric toaster and electric kettle. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" ..

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake ."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" ...

The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: getting married is the number one cause of getting divorced.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the Television?"
I said "Dust!"

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Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

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Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin
and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

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The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had
sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting,
kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent
lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for
now he was both unarmed and defeated.

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Three women die and enter Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: "don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck. :shock:

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A man wakes up one morning in Australia to find a Koala bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to bite him in the neck
and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

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A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious charactersand
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten pounds."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"



"Because he's a lying beggar! He didn't do any of that stuff!"

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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

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The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The man, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts going again, very slowly. The man looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life. Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.

The man, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into a pub, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.

About a half hour later, two other men walk into the same pub and one said to the other, "Mira, Pedro. That's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

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One day a blonde buys two horses but she can't tell them apart so she calls up her friend and says," I got these two horses but I can't tell them apart. What should I do?" Her friend says try tying a ribbon in one of your horses tails." The next day the blonde calls back and says," It didn't work the ribbon came out. What now." So her friend says," Try spray painting one of your horses manes."
The blonde calls back the next day and says,"The spray paint washed out."
So her friend says,"I am all out of ideas."
So the next day the blonde calls back and says,"I just figured it out, the white horse is ten inches taller than the black horse!" :shock:

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.......
....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo?
Like, DUH! It's been a year!", I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

Boy..... I bet he felt like an idiot.

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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"