Have a laugh

rondetto

Wife on her wedding night says to her husband, "Before we sleep together tonight. there's something i want to tell you about my time before i met you."
Her husband replies: "What happened before i met you does not matter. but if you need to tell me then do so."

The wife replies: "Thanks for being so understanding about this. but before i met you i used to be a hooker."
The husband replies: "Don't worry. infact i think its quite erotic, do tell me more.."

The wife replies: "Well i used to be called Nigel and played for St Helens..." :shock:

rondetto

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess i`ll need a double room for the night"

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over £3000. "What`s the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I`ve only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks,"

rondetto

The day before Christmas, an elderly man in Blackpool calls his son in Chester and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Birmingham and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Blackpool immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "It's okay, the kids will be here for Christmas. "

rondetto

A man walks into his doctors office with a horrible rash. The doctor takes a look at him, the reaches on a shelf for a thick medical book. He thumbs through this for a couple of minutes, replaces it and takes down another book. He looks through the second book, finds nothing and puts it back. He brings down a third book, looks through it and again finds nothing. He replaces that book and asks: "Have you ever had this rash before?" The man answers: "I had it last year while I was in Miami!" The doctor responds: "Well....you've got it again!"

rondetto

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

:shock:

frogmorton

Oh very good Ron!
Thanks
Toni x

rondetto

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

debatat

debbierose

debatat wrote:

hehehehehehhe I've wee'd mesel

rondetto

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella.She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed by and went a couple of miles down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car round and sped back towards the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down.He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him.
"What do you think you`re doing?"

After a moment the man replied,... "Well, I`ve always wanted to strike a happy medium."

rondetto

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "Whats the best drink in here?" and the bartender says: "Well i make a mean grasshopper"
So the man tells the bartender that he'll take one of them.
A little bit later the man is walking down the street on his way home and comes across a grasshopper and says to the grasshopper: "Hey little fella i just had a drink named after you"
The grasshopper looks up at him and replies "What, theres a drink named Brian?"

joyful164

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for
his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price,
the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie
home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him..

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked -
return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

joy

joyful164

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to



Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

chris7

Thanks Ron

Am loving this thread Not sure where you find these but alway so funny.

Joy where have you been hiding this talent?

Chris

rondetto

Two blondes were walking down the road, when one of them said"Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other one covered one eye and said :"Where?"

rondetto

A woman was at her hairdresser`s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? why would anyone want to go there? It`s crowded and dirty. you`re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We`re taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That`s a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they`re always late. So, Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We`ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome`s Tiber River called Teste."

"Don`t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it`s going to be something special and exclusive, but it`s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they`re overpriced. So, What are you doing when you get there?"

"We`re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That`s rich, " laughed the hairdresser. "you and a million other people trying to see him. He`ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. you`re going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo...

The hairdresser asked, "Well, how was the trip to Rome?"

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental`s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28- year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Hotel was great! They`d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it`s a jewel, The finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner`s suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That`s all well and good, but I know you didn`t get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if i`d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand: I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! what did he say?"

He said:"Where`d you get the horrible hairdo?"

rondetto

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning. The wife (who`s blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How the hell should I know? It`s about 200 miles away" and hung up.
The husband said, "who was that?"
The wife said, "I don`t know: some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

rondetto

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You fool... it`s me!"

rondetto

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

rondetto

A gentleman checks into the Hotel Sordide in France. He asks the concierge. "Do you have any available rooms?"
The concierge replies "yes sir we ave ze bleu room, ze red room,ze pink room, ze green room and ze gray room!"
"My word! You have a lot of rooms!"
"No sir we ave a lot of paint!"

rondetto

Two Jehovah Witnesses were going door to door. They knocked on
Tammy's door. Tammy clearly was not happy to see them. She
told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their
message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To Tammy's surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced
back open. Seeing the two Jehovah Witnesses at the door frustrated
her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with
two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door
wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude Jehovah Witnesses was sticking a foot in
the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really
teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the Jehovah Witnesses said, "Ma'am, before you do
that again, you might want to move your cat."

rondetto

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

rondetto

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.



'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'



'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.

'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?

rondetto

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

rondetto

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."