Have a laugh

rondetto

Thanks Vonski, here's a funny one:

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak. :roll:

rondetto

I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.

So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:
"Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"

When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."

rondetto

Mother skunk has twins, she calls them In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

rondetto

News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey.
Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them as they make a bee-line for their next target. It is hoped they will learn to beehive themselves, or else they'll end up spending a night in the cells.

rondetto

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

rondetto

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

rondetto

A young blonde woman goes for an interview for an office job.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics: "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about three seconds before replying: "23!"

The interviewer tries another straight forward question to break the ice: "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces: "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for a very basic question. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?" he asks.

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 20 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: "Stephanie."

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he says: "I can understand counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohhh that!" replies the blonde: "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

rondetto

There were these two elderly people retired to Benidorm. Laura and Jim living in a Spanish mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, Jim made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, Laura answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, Jim was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

rondetto

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

rondetto

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the UK to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

rondetto

Employee: "I want a raise in my salary, I am in demand and have two companies running after me!"
Boss: "Oh! I m really impressed but which companies are they?"
Employee slowly: "The electric & the telephone company."

rondetto

Jim and Laura live in Scotland, it was a particularly cold winter.
One winter morning, while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Laura goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. Park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Laura goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...........", then the electric power goes out.
Laura says, "Honey, I don't know what to do now."
Jim replies, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?..."

ironic

Hope you do'nt mind this silly one.

A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine..."
Bartender:"What about the wooden leg?"
Pirate: "Well i was in a battle and I got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, ok, but what about the hook? What happened to your hand?."
Pirate: "It was a different battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with hook. I'm fine now. Really."
Bartender: "What about the eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh one day I was on deck and a flock of birds flew over and as I looked up one pooped in my eye."
"Your kidding," said the bartender. " You lost an eye just from bird muck?"
Pirate: " It was my first day with the HOOK."

rondetto

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

rondetto

When the waitress in a Spanish restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

rondetto

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for you to take your annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.






2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?













Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water,' proceed to question 3.







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

















Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) . Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany ,

Or no man's land?





















Answer : You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.






5. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales .

In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and

9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off

and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off

and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off

and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off

and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ...

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

rondetto

A blonde goes to a pet store and ask one of the workers if she can buy a mouse there, the worker said "yes" and sold her one.
The next day the blonde comes back to return her mouse she just bought and get a different one from the same worker.
The worker says, "okay?" later she comes back again for a different mouse again, then again, and again.
The worker had enough of this and asks her, "Why do keep buying these mice and then returning them?"
Blonde says "None of them seem to be making my computer's arrow move."

rondetto

A man went to the police station to file a report regarding his missing wife:

Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim - can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Man: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Man: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit - I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?
Man : Yes, my pet dog - Romeo, a Labrador - tied with a golden
chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his
left foot thumb nail is missing, he never barks, wearing a golden
belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg food, we eat together, we
jog together -- and then, the man started crying.


Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man: Excellent idea, sir!

rondetto

The Pope and Gordon Brown are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Gordon and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Brown replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."



So the Pope slapped him.

rondetto

I've been offline for a few days, had my computer reinstalled. Working much faster now, so new jokes are coming up soon.

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

I've been offline for a few days, had my computer reinstalled. Working much faster now, so new jokes are coming up soon.

Good news! Ron
and Rehab...you know.....
Toni x

rondetto

A man made a phone call to his work colleague at home, and a

whispered voice says "Hello?"

"Why hello," said the man, "is your daddy home?"

"Yes" replies the little hushed voice.

"Can I speak with him?"

"No" came the whispered reply.

Now curious, the man asks "What about mummy? Is she there?"

"Yes"

"May I speak with her then?"

"No" was once again the answer.

Knowing that the little boy could not possibly be home by himself, and starting to worry, the man became desperate to talk to any adult in the home. "Well, is there anyone one else there at all"

"Yes," whispered the boy, "the policeman"

"Oh, can I talk to him, please?"

"No," said the boy, "he's busy. He's talking to Mummy and daddy and the fireman"

Now the man is out right alarmed. Just as he is about to demand to talk to an adult, he hears something like a helicopter in the background, "What is that" he asks

"It's a helicopter" the little boy whispered.

"A helicopter!" the man exclaimed, "why is there a helicopter?"

"The helicopter is searching, they're all searching"

"For what?" the man asked

"Me!" came the whispered reply.

rondetto

Some Tommy Cooper quotes:

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”



“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."”


“I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!”



“Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!”


“A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

rondetto

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
Peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
She had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
Began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've
Been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such
A wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed
Her into Heaven.

About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
Her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
Arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
Told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of
You while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the
Little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And
My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
Vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
Head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

rondetto

A bloke walks in a music shop and asks the assistant , do they sell mouth organs.
The assistant replies : "Thats strange, we have just had a lady in here not more than ten minutes ago, asking for the same thing."
"That will be my sister our Monica,"....the man replies.