Have a laugh
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A gem.
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Mary seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kinda strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that." the doctor replied.
"Well," she said "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plonk in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"In the afternoon I went again but this time there were 20p pieces in the bowl."
"Last night I went again and there were 2p coins there."
"This morning there £1 coins there ."
"Help me, doc. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me. I'm scared out of my wits."
"There, there. It's nothing to be worried about. In fact it's quite normal. You're just going through the change." 0 -
:-) I groaned out loud at that last one! Love it, keep them coming.
Nx0 -
A blonde was visiting London for the first time. She wanted to see the Buckingham Palace. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to Buckingham Palace?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Buckingham Palace, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!" 0 -
A 7 year old boy was at the center of a Milton Keynes courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.0 -
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
'DON'T!'
'Don't what?'
Adam asked.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.
'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '
'No Way!'
'Yes way!'
'Do NOT eat the fruit!'
said God.
'Why?'
'Because I am your Father and I said so!'
God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?'
God asked.
'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.
'Then why did you?'
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it!'
Adam said.
'Did not!'
'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. hen you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Here endeth the lesson. Let us pray. 0 -
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "For a long time. We're gonna build a house." 0 -
A farmer asked me if I had ever shoed horses. I said no but I told a donkey to get lost once. :roll:
Irene0 -
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Do people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diaorrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it.0 -
We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.
Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him.
Now Dracula was faced with a problem. "How do I dispose of this body?" he wondered.
The only solution he could come with was to throw the new corpse out the window. "I’m so high up, they’ll never trace the body back to me. Ha ha," he cackled.
So – whoosh -- out the window went the corpse.
It just so happens that right below that window was the usual London street singer.
Bang! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious.
Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for "dessert," so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable.
Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in.
As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced, devoured his fresh and steaming "dessert."
Again the count wondered "How do I get rid of the body?" and then thought, "Well, it worked once. Why not again?"
So out the window went his latest victim.
At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn’t last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula’s second victim.
Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around.
As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, "What’s happened here?"
"It’s terrible," sang the street singer. "Drained cops keep falling on my head" :roll:0 -
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little baby broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' :roll:0 -
Oh Ron you get worse keep it up
Love Vonski x0 -
Time I joined in - this is a great site.
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
Oh, quit groaning!0 -
Oh great stuff. 0
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A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side and in my seat." 0 -
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there." 0 -
A premier football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!
Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, am I in the team on Boxing day?" 0 -
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!" 0 -
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an
adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"0 -
Count Dracula goes on a night out in London.
He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.
A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!
He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!
A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!
He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"
She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer." 0 -
There was this troupe of dancers that travelled around the country dancing in clubs and theatres. They were called the Steppers.
At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.
Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the motorway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.
At a house along that very motorway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter.
That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party.
But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the motorway just in front of the bus.
The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.
The next day, the headline in the paper read: "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers."0 -
A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence.
He went to a pawnbroker who offered him £100,000 for it.
"Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million pounds for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are." 0 -
Five Secrets of a perfect relationship.
1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, drives and has a job.
2. It's important to have a man who makes you laugh.
3. it's important to have a man who you can trust and never lies.
4. It's important to have a man who can cook and loves being with you.
5. It's absolutely vital that these 4 men do not know each other!0 -
oh I do love this bit. Thanks Ron
looks like bobalger and ironic have the gift too.
Keep em coming peeps
Thanks
Chris
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Well I did try not to laugh but as usual failed hubbies glad you're back too
1 because you make him laugh too and 2 you get me laughing so he gets some peace
Love
Vonski x0
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