Have a laugh...again.

rondetto

Thanks Marion.

kickyloo

rondetto wrote:

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread then?"

Brilliant. My sort of humour. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.
Nicky
xx

rondetto

Thanks Nicky.

rondetto

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

rondetto

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both keep moving, even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind
5. Neither understands what people see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO!" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.
10. Dogs are less likely to dirty your leg.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
3. Dogs don't criticize.
4. Dogs never expect gifts.
5. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
6. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
7. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
8. The later you are coming home, the more excited they are to see you.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. A dog's parents never visit

rondetto

My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.

rondetto

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I pass gas HUNDREDS of times a day."

He tells the doctor that it's silent and odorless. Then he says, "Doctor, you won't believe this but I've passed gas ten times while we've been talking."

So the doctor gives him some pills, "Here, take two of these every day and come see me in two weeks."

The guy comes back in one week complaining, Doctor, what's in these pills? I still have the gas, it's still silent, but now it smells absolutely TERRIBLE!"

The doctor says, "Well that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

rondetto

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

“Of course” says the first.

The second farmer continued: “and if you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Ok..... Madam, just put your tongue out."

:shock:

tut tut!!!


Toni xx

rondetto

hehe

rondetto

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

rondetto

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

rondetto

One day a man went to an auction, he particularly wanted to bid for a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The parrot was his, at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer: "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

Laughed out loud at that one!!!!!

Toni xx

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

One day a man went to an auction, he particularly wanted to bid for a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The parrot was his, at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer: "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Oops :shock:

rondetto

frogmorton

Am I redaing them too fast at the mo Ron??

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Murphy applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Dublin. John applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give John the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct."

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, John put down on question 5, "I don't know". you put down "Neither do I".

frogmorton

rondetto wrote:

Murphy applied for an engineering position at a firm based in Dublin. John applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give John the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct."

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, John put down on question 5, "I don't know". you put down "Neither do I".

he he he he!!!

Toni xx

rondetto

rondetto

Sven and Olie worked together and were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Olie answered, "Panty stitcher: I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it under unskilled labour, so she gave him £300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel was a skilled job, the clerk gave him £600 a week.

When Ollie found he was furious. He stormed back into his office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Olie. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."

rondetto

A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."

He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in Cornwall, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

He says, "Speaking!"

rondetto

A man wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
Inspector: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the same track?"
Man: " I would switch the points for one of the trains."
Inspector: "What if the lever broke?"
Man: "Then I'd dash down to the signal box and use the manual lever there."
Inspector: "What if lightning struck it?"
Man: "Then... I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."
Inspector: "What if the phone was engaged?"
Man: "Well, in that case I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."
Inspector: "What would you do if that was vandalized?"
Man: "Oh, well, then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Brown."
Inspector: " Why would you do that?!"
Man: "Because he's never seen a train wreck."

rondetto

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new BMW and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that car???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a BMWcost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen quid.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a car like that for fifteen quid?' they said.


'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a BMW for fifteen pounds.'

'Oh my!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!


He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new BMW for fifteen pounds and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Spain with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).


He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new BMW and send him the money.


So I did.

rondetto

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the bottom with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your bottom with cement bags."