Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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“Honey,” said this husband to his wife,
“I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" 0 -
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." 0 -
A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they are ?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied:
"I tried once but she slapped me." 0 -
INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. 0 -
rondetto wrote:Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball…
Enjoyed them all Ron, but this one....
oldeies but goodies eh?
Love
Toni xx0 -
Ah yes, old but still good.
xxx0 -
Only If they beat Iceland eh? 0
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Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years.
Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!” 0 -
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding, " Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" 0 -
What I Want in a Man (age 21)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man (age 43)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 54)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 65)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What I Want in a Man (age 76)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet. 0 -
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..0 -
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age." :shock:0 -
"What's the difference between Rob Green & Cheryl Cole?
Cheryl Cole caught something in Africa." 0 -
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, ’Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘BBC, Channel 4, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’ 0 -
I was in the Tesco restaurant this morning.
I noticed a blonde waitress looking over a carton of Orange juice. I sat there studing her as she turned the Carton around looking at it wondering what to do with it. She must have been trying to figure out something because the look on her face said it all. When a dark hair waitress approched our table to take our order, I asked to what the poor blonde waitress was doing .Our waitress looked over at her and threw her hands up in the air and rolled her eyes and said "one moment I'll be right back" and walked over to the Blonde grabbed the carton of Orange juice she was holding and proceeded to open it . The blonde waitress sighed and thanked her . As the Dark Haired waitress came back to our table I asked , "is she okay"? and the reply was , "Oh yes she just couldn't open the carton of Orange Juice because it said Concentrate"... 0 -
President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with British Prime Minister David Cameron about the BP oil spill. The conversation is supposed to stay private, but given that it's BP, you can probably expect a few leaks. 0
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During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCardiff"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said, " I was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital." 0 -
Aw, bless you. So kind. Glad you have a laugh. 0
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Yep sure thing:
Vic went to the Doctors,
His hands were trembling--he thought he had Parkinsons Disease.
The Doctor checked him over and said, "Do you drink much?"
"No: said Vic, "I spill most of it." 0 -
No I don't mind at all, glad you enjoy them.0
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A small boy was pushing a petrol-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it. A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success. The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy said, "Well you have to use some swear words to make it start."
The Man said, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any swear words!"
The boy replied, "You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!" 0 -
Thanks Ron
another good bunch
Do jokes come in bunches??
Love
Toni xx0 -
Yep, just like ripe bananas. 0
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In a kindergarten class 3 kids were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:
Green, Pink, Yellow
The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."
The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."
Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it up and I say Yellow."0
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