Have a laugh...again.

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Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are
in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again,
Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 quid a week and I make 10 quid a week. That's about 60 pounds a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an
answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the
two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." :shock:

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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

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A young couple had to go to a party one evening and they couldn't find a babysitter in due time so they tucked their son in and they put a story on the record player for him to listen while they were gone.

They left the house feeling their son was in "good hands" and they headed for the party. When returning home they rapidly sensed things weren't as good as they expected them to be.

They went upstairs to check if their son was alright...but when reaching the top they heard a distinct bang on the bedroom walls...They entered the child's room and heard him saying over and over again:
"YES I DO!...YES I DO!...YES I DO!"

All this time the poor kid was hitting his head against the wall as the record kept on playing: "Kids, do u wanna hear a story?...Kids, do u wanna hear a story?... Kids, do u wanna hear a story?" :shock:

barbara12

Oh thanks again Ron for cheering me up.....you are a star
Barbara x

rondetto

Bless you.
xxx

rondetto

Bob leaves his cat with his brother Joe when he went out on a holiday. after a week, Bob calls and asks, "How's my cat??" Joe says, "I'm sorry, your cat died."

Bob was really angry and said to his brother over the phone, "You could have told me in a better way. You could have said when I called today, ' The cat is on the roof and won't come down.' Then when I called tomorrow you could have said, ' The cat fell down and the vet is trying to patch him up'. The when I called the third day you could have said,' I'm sorry the but the cat died. 'Then I would be O.K."

Joe stayed quiet, then said, "I'm Sorry. how's Mother?"

Bob said," She is on the roof and won't come down."

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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

rondetto

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it , then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it' s you.

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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

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A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?” The farmer glares at the salesman and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!” The salesman’s in awe.
“Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.” The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?” The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”

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Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this bloody mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

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While in South Africa, the England team went to visit an orphanage.
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean?

His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

frogmorton

Eeuuoow!!!

Ron!

think I will stick to doing my own washing up :shock:

Love

Toni xx

rondetto

rondetto

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.

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A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the bottom.”

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A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man says "It’s the decorator."

The parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man screams "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"

The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

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This man wanted an unusual pet, so he goes to the local pet store and ask the owner about a different kind of pet. The guy said I have a 1000 leg bug, a millipede here that's real cute. So the guy bought the 1000 leg and took him home in a nice little box.

After a couple of hours he got bored and ask the 1000 leg bug if he would like to go to Franks Pub for a drink. No answer from the bug. Little bit later he ask again, would you like to go to Franks Pub for a drink? Still no answer. About now the guy is getting angry and shouted louder, this is your last chance, do you want to go with me for a drink.

The bug lifts his head of the box and said " Will you please be quiet for a while!, I heard you the first time but I need some time to put on my flipping shoes."

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A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.

He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"

The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?" :shock:

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, Now there are two!

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their 6-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

rondetto

What people actually mean:

1) Outgoing personality - Always going out of the office
2) Great presentation skills - Able to talk rubbish
3) Good communication skills - Spends a lot of time on the phone
4) Work is first priority - Too ugly to get a date
5) Active socially - Drinks a lot
6) Independent worker - No one knows what you are doing
7) Quick thinking - Gives excuses on the go
8) Careful thinker - Will not make decisions
9) Uses logic on difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
10) Expresses themselves well - Speaks English
11) Meticulous attention to detail - A nit-picker
12) Has leadership qualities - Is tall or has a louder voice
13) Exceptionally good judgment - Has been very lucky
14) Keen sense of humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
15) Career minded - Back stabber
16) Loyal - Cannot get another job elsewhere
17) Plans for advancement/promotion - Buys drinks for all the boys
18) Of great value to the organization - Gets to work on time
19) Relaxed attitude - Sleeps on the desk

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There was a married couple sleeping when an intruder entered their home and put a knife to the wife's neck. "Before I kill someone, I like to know their name. What's your name?" The shaking woman replied, "My name is Elizabeth."
The intruder said, "My mother was named Elizabeth. I can't kill you." He then turned to the husband and asked, "And what's your name?" "Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth!"