Have a laugh...again.
Comments
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Funny Joke No 1:
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
Funny Joke 02
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
Funny Joke 03
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Funny Joke 04
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.”
The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honor, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”0 -
After every flight pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way Easy Jet is the only major airline that has never ever had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.0 -
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I'm very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said. “As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
0 -
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice.” 0 -
Very good Ron!
(
Marion0 -
Thanks Marion, it's the way tell em' 0
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Judge: Mrs. Baker, you have been charged with the murder of your 94-year-old husband by throwing him out of a 12th story window. How do you plead?
Mrs. Baker: Oh, I plead guilty, your honour, but with an explanation!
Judge: Mrs. Baker, what possible explanation could you have for throwing your 94-year-old husband out of a 12th story window?
Mrs. Baker: Well, your honour, it was last week, and I'd come home early from the social security office. I walked into the bedroom and there was my husband in bed, making love to another woman. So I simply walked over to the bed, picked him up and threw him out the window, because I figured at 94, if he can do that then , he can fly!0 -
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned in to a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back in to
a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back in to a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked in to being your
dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............
I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!!!! 0 -
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down. 0 -
Hi Rob
think I might be able to remember that one I am back to normal now...well whatever normal is :roll: 
Love
Barbara0 -
0
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A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence.
He went to a pawnbroker who offered him £100,000 for it.
"Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million pounds for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"
The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, it makes no difference who you are." 0 -
A coroner being shown round the morge asked why the three bodies on the slabs were smiling...
The assistant replied the first an englishman won a lottery rollover, suffered a massive heart attack with the shock... Hence the smile on his face
The second man is scottish and was visiting a distillery, when he fell in a vat of whiskey and drowned.. Hence the smile on his face.
The third is an irishman who was struck by lightening ! But why has he got a smile on his face, aked the coroner?
The assistant replied...
He thought he was having his photograph taken! 0 -
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house. " 0 -
A drunk staggers out of a bar.
A fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!" 0 -
Geordie and his mate Tucker Johnson had a big win on the pools. So they decided to go on a World Cruise.
After a week at sea, the Captain called the Purser into his cabin to ask what influential people were on board, so he could invite them to his table.
"Sir", said the Purser, "We have four film stars, three M.P.'s and two strange gentlemen from the North, who seem to be very wealthy".
The Captain told him to go round with invitations. Knocking on Geordie's cabin door, he was greeted by "Howay in Bonny Lad".
When he entered; there was Geordie and Tucker, feet on the table, four bottles of Brown Ale, eating fish and chips.
The Purser saluted, "Begging your pardon gentlemen", he said, "The Captains compliments. He requests your company at his table tonight."
"Ye must be joking", says Geordie, "Ye don't think Tuckers and me's gan te spend all this money to eat with the bloody crew" 0 -
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their Uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, nope, not yet Bubble."
So they row a little farther.... again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think were out far enough now?" Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel." 0 -
I told my wife I'd got a job in a bowling alley. She
said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' 0 -
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a
kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said,
'Where is he then?' 0 -
Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.
Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?
A: A hare brain.
Q: How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?
A: None, they're all on the outside.
Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The first Rabbit to lay and egg.
Q: How do you get letter to a bunny?
A: Hare mail.
Q: The more he takes away the bigger it becomes. What is it?
A: A rabbit hole.
Q: How is a rabbit like a Q-tip?
A: They both have cotton tails.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.
Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
A: A honey bunny.
Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
A: They both have big ears.
Q: Why is a leaky faucet like a cowardly bunny?
A: Because it runs.
Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent?
A: Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other.
Q: What do you call a bunny who tells jokes?
A: A funny bunny!
Q: How are bunnies like calculators?
A: They can multiply real fast!
Q: What is a bunny's favorite dance?
A: The bunny hop!
Q: What kind of books do bunnies read?
A: The ones with hoppy endings!
Q: What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A: A 13-carrot ring!
Q: Do bunnies use combs?
A: No, they use hare brushes!
Q: Why did the little girl wash her bunny?
A: Because her hare was dirty!
Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike?
A: They wanted a raise in celery!
Q: Where do Easter bunnies go to dance?
A: To the Basket ball!
Q: How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another?
A: They take a taxi cabbage!
Q: What do you call a bunny that has fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Did you ever see a bunny with glasses?!
Q: What kind of music does a bunny listen to?
A: Hip Hop!
Q: Why are bunnies so smart?
A: Because they know how to multiply!
Q: How do bunnies keep their fur neat?
A: They use a harebrush!
Q: Why is a bunny's nose always so shiny?
A: Because his powder puff is at the wrong end!
Q: What do you call a holiday that bunnies go when when they first get married?
A: Bunnymoon!
Q: Which bunnies were famous bank robbers?
A: Bunny and Clyde!
Q: What kind of cars do bunnies drive?
A: Hop rods!
Q: What do bunnies sing at birthday parties?
A: Hoppy birthday to you!
Q: What did the bunnies say when the farmer caught them kissing in the garden?
A: Lettuce alone!
Q: What do you call a bunny with oodles of money?
A: A billion-hare!
Q: What game do little bunnies like to play?
A: Hopscotch!
Q: Why did the bunny get so mad?
A: She was having a bad hare day0 -
ONE
Recently, when
I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I
replied.
'We only have six, nine, or
twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and
ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but
sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking
out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the
belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar
code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this
is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I
don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said
'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'
(keep
shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a
distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She
replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't
know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay
down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago,
we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very
worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the
mother says, 'I just gave him some ant
killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'
Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're
stupid!!!! 0 -
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?"
says the other.
"That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." 0 -
Very good Ron
Good to see brunettes can be silly too
Love
Toni xx0 -
Yes, true Toni. 0
-
My eldest enjoyed the rabbits ones as she loves rabbits - she is saving them up to annoy her Grandad
Love
Toni xx0
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