Have a laugh...again.

rondetto

I went to McDonalds for lunch today.
Right across my table sat two old folks, one burger on the table. While I was eating, the guy cut the burger in half and started eating while his wife stared patiently. I felt so bad that I just could not resist but approached the table and offered to buy his wife a burger.

The old man said "Thank you, but we can manage!"and continued eating the rest of the burger. Later on the guy drank half of the soda, and pushed it across to his wife. So I went back again and insisted to buy them another burger.

The old man replied " thank you but we've been sharing since we got married". "But Sir, your wife has not eaten anything yet?".

The old man replied "But of course, she's waiting for this" and he pulled his false teeth out and handed it to his wife! :shock:

rondetto

A little boy attended his very first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

frogmorton

Hi Ron

very good as usual
the teeth......

eeuuwwwww!!!!

Toni xx

rondetto

I bet that was true too.

rondetto

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

rondetto

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You swine!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You swine!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that swine, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

rondetto

A council official stops at a farm in Cheshire, and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs." The farmer says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The official verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The farmer nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the official running for his life chased by the farmer's big Jersey bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the official, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The official is clearly terrified. The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

frogmorton

Love

'em Ron!!!!!

Toni xx

rondetto

Ta Toni, it's the way I tell em'.
xx

rondetto

Three clergymen, a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabi, were all killed when the bus they were riding in was struck by a lorry.
As the three all reached the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, "I am sorry, but as of right now, we only have room for one person in Heaven. So I will leave it you to decide which of you gets to enter."
So the clergymen begin talking.
The Minister says, "Well, I have been in the ministries for 25 years, and feel I deserve to enter Heaven."
The Priest says, "Well, I have been a alter boy and a man of the cloth for 35 years. So I feel I deserve to enter Heaven."
Then the Rabi says, " well I have been serving the Lord for nearly 50 years of my life, and therefore I feel I deserve to enter Heaven."
After this discussion, they all agreed that the Rabi deserved to enter. So they knocked on the Pearly Gates and St.Peter opens them, and as the Priest begins to explain the the Rabi should be allowed in, St. Peter walks right past them and greets the truck driver that was driving the semi that had hit and killed them all.
As St. Peter proceeds to escort the lory driver into Heaven, the Priest asks, "What is going on here?"
St. Peter replies, "This man deserves to enter heaven first."
The three clergymen look at each other in amazement and ask,'But why? He just killed all three of us and we have over 100 years of service to the Lord between us. Why should "HE" be allowed in before us?"
St. Peter looks at them and says,"Because even with all your years of service to the Lord, this man has scared the h*ll out of a lot more people then all three of you put together!"

barbara12

Hi Ron
First thing I do when i get on here is read your thread...sets me up for the day
Barbara

rondetto

Thanks Barbara, lovely to know someone has a laugh.

rondetto

A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. About 2 AM they both awoke to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...

After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, she tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!

There's nothing HE can do...

After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts,"Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"

She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.

The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem...I still hear him barking!"

She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"

rondetto

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread then?"

rondetto

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

rondetto

Word Definitions:

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

rondetto

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

The biker replied "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bloke and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

frogmorton

Another good set of jokes Ron


Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Glad you like them, I'm very careful not to offend anyone.
Ron
xx

barbara12

rondetto wrote:

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

The biker replied "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bloke and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Love it....I can remember the short ones...my Oh thinks I am really clever thinking up these jokes...ron put some more shot ones on please

rondetto

Ok, will try.

rondetto

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." :shock:

rondetto

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

rondetto

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

barbara12

rondetto wrote:

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." :shock:

:shock: well I did ask.....