Have a laugh...again.
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Two fat blokes walk into the bar and the first one says, "Your round."
"So are you" the second replies.
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times for a wee." 0 -
Two guys are sat at the bar.
The first one says, "My wife should be on the plane now."
"Sounds nice" the other replied, "Where's she going?"
"Nowhere" says the first, "She's fitting a new bedroom door!" 0 -
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars,"
The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." 0 -
Do you make these jokes up or do you get them from somewhere??
Like some of them keep it up
Trish x0 -
Most are mine, but some are from Tommy Cooper and Bob Monkhouse.
Here's one of mine:
Wife: When I am gone, do you think you will remarry?
Husband: Well, I am still a middle aged man, and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, so I suppose I will remarry.
Wife: I suppose I can understand that. Will you let her live in our house?
Husband: Well, with the housing market the way it is, I would lose fortune if I were to sell the house.
Wife: I can understand that too. Will she drive my car?
Husband: Well, the car is almost new. I would take a beating if I were to trade it in.
Wife: That's true. I can see your point. But, will you let her play with my golf clubs?
Husband: Well, of coarse not. We had those clubs custom built just for you. To match your length, and just how you swing the club. So, no, she will never play with your clubs...Besides, she is left handed. :shock: :shock:0 -
Most are mine, but some are from Tommy Cooper and Bob Monkhouse.
Here's one of mine:
Wife: When I am gone, do you think you will remarry?
Husband: Well, I am still a middle aged man, and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, so I suppose I will remarry.
Wife: I suppose I can understand that. Will you let her live in our house?
Husband: Well, with the housing market the way it is, I would lose fortune if I were to sell the house.
Wife: I can understand that too. Will she drive my car?
Husband: Well, the car is almost new. I would take a beating if I were to trade it in.
Wife: That's true. I can see your point. But, will you let her play with my golf clubs?
Husband: Well, of coarse not. We had those clubs custom built just for you. To match your length, and just how you swing the club. So, no, she will never play with your clubs...Besides, she is left handed. :shock: :shock:0 -
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.”
The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full £30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full £30,000.” 0 -
David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. "What's that for ?" he says.
"It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold," says the salesman.
Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. "It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold," he says.
"You ought to take it to work," she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day.
"What've you got there, son?" asks Fabio Capello.
"It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold" says David.
"That's a good idea,' says Capello. "What have you got in it?"
"Coffee," says David, "And some ice cream." 0 -
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown.
The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking." 0 -
There's three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in.
She comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can take me home."
Quickly, the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She laughs and says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." 0 -
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Nice one Abbie:
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road." 0 -
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"0 -
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your damn ice creams!" 0 -
An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. 'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up' 0 -
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!" 0 -
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response. 0 -
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been.
"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.
"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.
"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".
"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good job and one day they'll give you a speaking role". 0 -
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. And having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a childs whisper. "Hello?"
is your Daddy home? He asks. "yes," Whispered the small voice. "May I talk to him?" "No " the child whispered back. Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes"
"May i talk to her?" Again the small voice whispered "No"
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asks "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the child, " A Policeman."
Wondering what a cop was doing at his emplotee's house, the boss asked "May i speak with the policeman?" "No he's busy" whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the phone's handset, the boss asked,"What was that noise?" "A helicopter,"the child whispered
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly worried. Again whispering the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked "What are they searching for?" Still in a whisper, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.
" ME " 0 -
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.
Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook a meal.
Funny Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married. 0 -
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock”, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup”, replied the drunk.
How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch”, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You idiot! It’s three-fifteen in the morning! 0
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