Have a laugh...again.

rondetto

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

rondetto

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the poop of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with poop, but now you ask me to make decisions."

rondetto

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

rondetto

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?' The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted.
The End

Aw what a lovely story.

rondetto

This farmer has 200 hens, but he has no rooster to fertilise them.
So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.

He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.

"So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."

joanlawson

rondetto wrote:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?' The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted.
The End

Aw what a lovely story.

Yes but he had to wash his own socks :x :x

rondetto

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free beer?".. Bartender says, "sure, if it's really amazing." So the guy pulls a frog out of his pocket and a little piano. All of a sudden the frog starts playing the piano and singing! Bartender says, "wow that was amazing, here's your free beer."

After while the guy finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey if I show you something more amazing than that, can I have another free beer?" Bartender says, "buddy, you show me something more amazing than that and you can drink for free all night!" So the guy pulls out the frog and the piano and a little mouse... the frog starts playing the piano and now the mouse starts singing show tunes. The bartender, amazed, says "drinks are on me all night."

While all this was going on a guy in the corner of the bar has been watching this... He walks up to the guy and tells him he's an entertainment exec in New York. He tells the guy he wants to buy his act off of him for £100,000... The guy says, "no way, I'll never sell this act!" The entertainment exec says, "come on, I gotta have it!" The guy say, "I'll tell ya what, for £100K I'll sell you the mouse." The entertainment exec agrees and goes to the bank and gives the guy cash. After the transaction is complete the exec takes the mouse and leaves.

Bartender says to the guy, "are you crazy? you sold the guy the mouse for £100K? You could have gotten millions for that!"...

The guy says, "No, that's ok, the frog is a ventriloquist too!"

rondetto

What a woman wants in a man (Through the ages)

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

rondetto

A blonde woman in Liverpool called 999 on her cell phone to report that her
Car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
Situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
Wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake."

rondetto

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

bertyboy

needed that feel better now xx

rondetto

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "For a long time. We're gonna build a house."

rondetto

The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX , ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

rondetto

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

frogmorton

Doh!!!

Ron

thanks for that - usual high standard

Toni xx

rondetto

Thanks Toni

xxx

rondetto

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
'And what does your Daddy do'
'He's a magician'
'That must be exciting, what tricks can he do'
'He can saw people in half'
'That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters'
'Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters'

rondetto

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.

'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.

He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'

rondetto

Anyone remember Victor Borge? A wonderful pianist and comic.
Here's a few of his quotes:

I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.

I'm going to play it with both hands so that way I will get through with it a little faster.

My grandfather gave me this watch...a few minutes before he died...for 20 quid...plus tax...

rondetto

Signs that you're getting older:

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.


~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P..M.


~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.


~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!


~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.


~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

rondetto

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water,
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler
sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant.
Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill.

Couldn't you find it?" "I found it all right.
They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

ironic

Hi Ron, Love your humur.

Victor Borge... Brilliant man.

Signs of getting older. Do you Know us? :roll:

frogmorton

Very good Ron



Love

Toni xx

rondetto

Glad you're enjoying my wicked humour.

rondetto

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook..

TEACHER: Clive , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLIVE : No, sir. It's the same dog.